


Broken Parts

by denna5



Series: Jagged Pieces [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dark, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, F/M, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, M/M, Memory Loss, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:32:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 80,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2128614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denna5/pseuds/denna5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Clint fit together as well as they can but there are secrets and the past will not be forgotten and there is a claim that won't be let go of.</p><p>Next part of Jagged Pieces, multiple chapter and POV</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the next part and I have really appreciated all the support that people have given this series and hope you enjoy.

_The mission was a success and the soldier has finished his debriefing, has been looked over. It is almost time for James to be able to go back to his widow and his hawk but first he has a promise to keep and so he makes his way to the part of this base that the weapons are made at. There is already a new knife in his pocket, one that will be for Natasha but he still owes Clint arrows, had requested them right before heading out for the mission and they should be ready now._

_He waits. His body is still, his face blank, and very few people give him a glance as someone goes and gets the arrows. He is very much the soldier right now, has James hidden under the surface. Even with the allowances being made for him and Natasha, with them being allowed to keep Clint, it is still better when he is around a base to act as the weapon they originally intended him to be, eases their worries that his loyalty isn’t just theirs anymore._

_“Winter, I thought you had already headed out.”_

_It is Rumlow who says this, who comes and stands next to him. He has always called him that, uses it as his name instead of simply referring to him as the asset or the soldier as the others do. He could tell him that he can be called James but that name is for Natasha, for her and for Clint to call him, so Rumlow calls him Winter. He can be less the soldier around him but he can’t be quite James either. He speaks to the man, tells the truth because he has been taught that nothing else will be accepted._

_“Not yet, need something to take back.”_

_“Thought you already got your spider a knife.”_

_Rumlow is one of the few not in charge who knows of Natasha, of the widow, of her connection with the soldier. He did a job with them, saw enough to figure out that she was the reason he was no longer being put to sleep between missions. It did not seem to change his opinion of the soldier and he occasionally asks about the widow, nothing disrespectful, more curious than anything else._

_“This is not for her.”_

_This gets an arch of an eyebrow from Rumlow and he continues speaking and the soldier waits still._

_“I heard you two claimed someone a while ago.”_

_He is not too surprised that Rumlow has heard that they have a third now, the man finds out information, is high up in the pecking order even if he is not in charge. It has been years since they claimed their hawk but they have kept it secret as much as they could, do not let him go on any missions with others, especially when they realized just how deep Hydra is in SHIELD. It is both possession and protection on their part, not wanting others around him and not wanting any of his past to surface and cost him their future._

_Rumlow looks like he wants to say more but that is when a woman comes, gives the soldier a case. Rumlow dismisses her with a nod of his head and she leaves without acknowledging the soldier. He does not care, simply opens the case so that he may get a look at them, to make sure they are what was requested._

_There are nine arrows in it. Two of them are plain, are the promised ones to replace the one he had to leave behind and the others are trick arrows, designed for different tasks. Clint likes variety and some of the more unusual arrows have come in handy for them before. He closes the case and Rumlow is watching him still, had seen the arrows. He gestures that the soldier can leave but he walks with him, speaks as they make their way out of the room._

_“I went on a SHIELD mission with a sniper once, he was the best I had ever seen. Didn’t really use a gun, instead used a bow.“_

_The soldier just keeps walking, knows that Rumlow has pieced together what the arrows mean and will listen to see what more he could want to know._

_“He disappeared quite a while ago, a body found but there are rumors that it wasn’t his, that he is still alive. You wouldn’t happen to know where Agent Barton is, would you?”_

_It is a question but not at the same time but the soldier still answers it._

_“There is no Agent Barton, not anymore.”_

_It is the truth as far as the soldier, as far as James is concerned. There is just Clint now, their hawk and they intend to keep it that way. Rumlow gives a nod at this, seems satisfied with the answer._

_“Well whoever he is now, maybe you should bring him along next time we need multiple snipers. I wouldn't mind seeing him shoot again, but only if you want him there.”_

_It is a request not an order and Rumlow leaves him after he says it. The soldier walks away, will think about it later. Right now, he has somewhere to be, gifts to give._

James waits in the dark, some papers sitting in front of him, gun on his hip. The room is quiet and he has been here before, usually for debriefings, but this time he is not expected, is here on his own for information.  He sits very still but he does glance down at the papers for a moment and he sees the newspaper clipping that holds the reason he is here. It is an article about the attack on New York from a few days ago, about those who stopped it, some team that has been called the Avengers. There are some pictures accompanying it and it is the one of a figure on a roof with a bow in his hands that has his attention, that makes his thoughts go to their Hawk, to what has been taken from them.

It has been around seven months since James has last seen him, a little longer for Natasha. She had been separated from them but that had turned out to be a misunderstanding, something designed to get them all separated. It had worked and by the time it was figured out, Clint had disappeared, taken by SHIELD but they did not know where, hadn’t been able to find out. SHIELD had still been on the hunt for them but just a few short days ago, news had come. The attack on New York was plastered everywhere and there was their Hawk, right in the thick of it. They know he is alive but there are still questions they need answered and now the soldier waits for someone who can give some answers.

It is not long until the room is entered but the soldier does not say anything. Pierce goes about his business before noticing he is not alone. When he does, he comes to where the soldier sits and sits down across from him. The soldier slides the article forward and Pierce looks down at it.

“I knew you would be here about him.”

The soldier just looks at him, waits for Pierce to say more.

“Fury had him kept under wraps, kept on a base used for training. There was no way to get to him and then he was placed on a security detail till the Loki incident happened. I assume you want him back?”

“He is ours.”

The soldier says this plainly, wants Pierce to know that it isn’t going to be a negation that their hawk will be coming home. Pierce is quiet for a moment and then gets up, goes to a cabinet and grabs a file from it and sits back down, hands it to the soldier.

“The security council wanted to take him but Fury has asked that he not be given to them and I have honored that request. He will not be back on duty for a while but there are plans in place to secure him later if needed.”

The soldier has opened the file, is scanning it briefly as Pierce speaks. It is information about Clint, an official file and then some that aren’t official, that have been hidden. It will all be useful.

“What plans?”

The soldier asks but he doesn’t look at Pierce, just keeps reading the files he has been given.

“He will be transferred to Rumlow’s team when we can manage it and from there he can be secured again.”

That could work but they have already gone without him for too long. The soldier looks up from the files now, looks Pierce in the eyes.

“We will secure him ourselves. What is his current location?“

It may be in the file but the soldier hasn’t seen it yet.

“I figured you might say that. He is off base right now, staying with another Avenger, with Rogers. From what I have heard, they are close. Rogers may try to keep him.”

Pierce points at a picture, the man in the stars and stripes costume. There is something about that costume that almost seems familiar to James but this man has their Hawk and so any familiarity he sees, he pushes aside. This man is an enemy.

“You can collect him but he is not how you made him anymore. Fury wiped him clean, he doesn’t remember anything of the time he was with you and there is no way to know if any of the conditioning you put him through is intact. ”

“It doesn’t matter, he is ours.”

If their Hawk doesn’t remember his place, doesn’t remember that he belongs to them, then they will remind him.

“Very well. Most of what you will need to know is in there, just do it discreetly. There may be some other jobs you will need to do in the meantime.”

Pierce dismisses him after this and the soldier takes the file and leaves. There are plans to be made and a hawk to reclaim. If it is needed, James will cut all who would take him away down, leave nothing else for him but them, just as it should have been in the first place.

<><><><><><><> 

The run had been good, had helped clear his head just a bit, and it had been nice to meet Sam. Steve is well aware that he hasn’t really met very many new people yet so it is nice to know someone outside of SHIELD. He may go and see him sometime, maybe drag Clint with him. It has only been about three weeks since Loki, since New York and Clint hasn’t really left the apartment much, not that Steve really has either, but it might do them both good to go somewhere else sometime. Steve is visiting Peggy this afternoon, maybe he can get Clint to come with him this time.

Steve is thinking about Clint as he climbs the stairs, wondering how his morning has gone. Clint has stayed with him these last few weeks, has been trying to figure himself out since what happened. He has the majority of his memories back , but not all, and his mind is a bit of mess because of everything but Steve still enjoys having him around. He wants to help him but he isn’t sure how, so for now, he simply lays beside him at night and holds him when his guilt gets too be too much, and listens when Clint talks. It seems to be helping a little.

Steve really isn’t paying much attention to anything while he thinks about Clint and so he doesn’t see a woman coming down the stairs carrying a basket of laundry till he bumps into her. It causes her to lose her footing and she starts to fall, Steve helps catch her, helps her regain her footing but her basket isn’t so lucky and it goes everywhere.

“Sorry about that, let me help you. Steve Rogers by the way.”

It seems rude to not introduce himself after almost causing her to fall down the stairs and so he does and then bends down to help her pick up the cloths.

“Thanks. I have heard of you. You were quite the news item for a while.”

She gives Steve a smile as she puts some of her things in her basket. She is pretty, bright red hair frames her face and her smile is nice.

“I just moved in. Natalie Rushman.”

She offer her hand for a shake and he takes it. It is a quick one and then they both keep gathering up the clothes.

“You live in this building?”

She asks and he gives her a nod.

“It seems nice, glad to finally have a place without a roommate. You by yourself here?”

Steve isn’t sure why she is asking but he shakes his head.

“I have a,” he takes just a second before saying a word, trying to decide which to use, not sure what to call Clint before settling on one, “friend staying with me.   I am sure you will see him around sometime.”

Everything is in her basket now and she stands and he picks it up, hands it to her.

“Maybe when I’m more settled in, you and your friend can come over to dinner sometime.”

The offer seems friendly enough so he tells her maybe and she leaves the stairs, tells him that she will see him around.   He goes to his apartment , opens the door and walks in. There is no sign of Clint and he gets worried till he finds a note.

It is on the fridge, held there with a magnet and it is in Clint’s messy handwriting. It starts out with telling Steve that he should carry his phone with him and then says that Clint got a call from Fury and had to go meet him, something about another physiological test that he has to take because of Loki. He wasn’t sure when he would be back and Steve can picture how annoyed Clint is at having to go talk about Loki again. Steve puts the note back on the fridge and gets a glass of water. When he goes and sees Peggy this afternoon, he will take his phone with him, just in case Clint needs to call him.

<><><><><><><> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is some more. Let me know what you think.

<><><><><><><> 

The test isn’t too horrible and Clint is starting to get very used to psych exams. Between his bout of not having any memories and this Loki mess, Clint has taken quite a few, has also had quite a bit of blood drawn as well. He understands why he has to go through them but it doesn’t make them any easier to get through and it is a bit uncomfortable being on a SHIELD base right now. He wasn’t in control of himself when he led the attack but it was still him and that has led to a few stares as he walks down the halls here, as he goes to meet Fury after the tests for the day are finished. He does his best to not return any of them, to just walk straight to where Fury is waiting.

Fury is waiting for him and he gestures for Clint to sit down. He does, right across from Fury, has a few things he wants to talk to him about but he lets Fury start first.

“You holding up ok?”

It is not the first time Fury has asked this and it may not be the last. Clint just gives a bit of a shrug.

“About the same as last time you asked me, sir.”

There is just a tiny bit of sarcasm in his tone, not enough that Fury finds it disrespectful. He does shake his head at Clint, but there is just a hint of amusement on his face. Fury has known him a long time, is used to him and Clint is finally starting to remember it, the time they spent together, and that makes some of the suspicions that Loki raised hard to deal with. Fury speaks again when he is done looking amused by Clint.

“Are your memories still coming back?”

“Most of them are, still don’t have around the last six years or so.”

Fury had been leaning forward just a bit before Clint said this and now his posture relaxes just a bit.

“Just keep me updated on it.”

Fury says this and Clint nods. Fury goes over some of the early test results with him, tells him it may still be a while before he is cleared for missions but that he expects Clint to keep training and be ready and that it appears that Loki is gone from his head. That is good news even if Clint is sure he will not be ok after what happened with Loki. There is still too much he has to find out, still too many questions that Loki raised that he doesn’t have answers for yet but maybe today he can start the ground work to be able to get answers.

“Sir, my last mission, the one before the memory loss, the widow, it wasn’t completed. I want to finish it.”

Clint knows this, has looked it up, and had even brought her up to Loki as a possible ally against SHIELD. Enough was said for Clint to know that whatever happened to him, it has to do with her, with that mission.

“When you went missing, it was assigned to someone else, isn’t your responsibility anymore. “

Fury’s tone is no-nonsense but Clint needs to know what happened, won’t let this get away from him.

“I know that it was assigned to someone else but I also know that the agent that was in charge of it is no longer active.”

Clint can’t bring himself to say dead, still hates that Coulson is gone, can’t say his name. His voice had wavered a bit at no longer active and Fury had noticed, a little look of sympathy crossing his features and something almost like guilt before he speaks again.

“It is being looked into now, it still not your responsibility.”

His tone tells Clint that the subject should be dropped now but Clint can’t drop it, needs answers.

“ Sir, I want that assignment. I want to finish this, need to finish it.”

He is almost pleading, something he hates doing but he needs Fury to understand. Fury shakes his head at him, gets up from his seat and comes right next to him. Clint rises, faces him as he talks.

“You need to stay away from that assignment, worry about getting yourself back together. Are you coming back to a base tonight?”

Clint shakes his head at this, doesn’t want to go back to base. There is a tightening of Fury’s mouth, not the answer he wanted to hear but he leaves Clint after a squeeze to his shoulder. Clint lets him, knows that he may have to go after his answers on his own.

_Clint remembers more now, Loki said it was a gift for him but Clint knows it is because he needs the information those memories provide, needs to know how SHIELD works. Clint tells him, requires allies, gets things ready. The whole time Loki watches, tells Clint what he needs, looks pleased at Clint’s progress , at how quickly things are getting done. Loki agrees with everything Clint tells him, every person he says will be of use, except one._

_“There is no need for the spider, for the weapon. Their price would be simple but I am not certain that I want to pay it.”_

_Loki’s eyes are on Clint when he says the word price and Clint wishes he had those memories back but Loki said they weren’t needed so he simply goes back to his tasks. When there is a lull in the work, Loki has him sit down near him, close enough that Loki can touch him. He does so, takes Clint’s chin, tilts his face up._

_“Tell me about the Captain.”_

_Clint does, tells him about Steve. There are things he doesn’t want to say but he can’t keep anything from Loki and so he doesn’t. He talks about his tentative relationship with Steve, about the kisses and touches they have shared._

_“You are fond of him. Why?”_

_Loki says this simply but there is a slight narrowing of his eyes as he does so, fingers tightening on his face, as if he is not pleased by this. Clint’s loyalty is for Loki now and he tells him a bit of why he cares for Steve, how he is a good man, makes Clint less lonely._

_“He understands, what it is like to be broken, to be lost.”_

_Somehow that is the most important thing about Steve. Loki’s hand is still there and his thumb brushes against Clint’s lips. He doesn’t move from the touch because Loki doesn’t want him to._

_“Ah, but you are no longer lost. I have found you, Hawk.”_

_Hawk, he knows that name, knows that it is his and in this moment there is a ghost of a memory at the edge of his mind. He can almost hear another voice, different than Loki’s but still male, whisper it in his ear, calls him ours. He can almost feel soft skin under his fingers, silky hair near his face. He can almost picture them, bright red hair and a flash of metal but Loki tilts his head up more, looks into his eyes. His touch is cold on Clint’s face and the memory fades just as quickly as it came._

_“Their marks are still upon you, even with all SHIELD has done to make you their weapon again. How much they took from you, so much of themselves put back in, and SHIELD still doesn’t understand that they have just caged you again, that you can never be who you were before. “_

_There is so much Clint doesn’t know but he only asks one question._

_“Who?”_

_Clint asks but he doesn’t think that Loki will give him an answer and he doesn’t, not really._

_“The ones who stole you from SHIELD before you were taken back. Stolen so many times, my little Hawk. Perhaps I will be the one to keep you.”_

_There is something in Loki’s eyes right now, a dark sort of hunger and a part of Clint wants to move away from him but he doesn’t, simply keeps looking at his god._

_“Whatever you want, Sir.”_

_Loki smiles at him, rise up and gestures for Clint to do the same. He does and as they walk to finish some more tasks, Loki places a claiming hand on his shoulder._

_“ I am starting to see why you have been claimed so many times. You were SHIELD’s weapon, their companion, but you will be my second, will stand by my side as this world falls.”_

_Clint simply listens as Loki talks, as he tells him of some of his plans, and he does not question, not even later that night when Loki calls him to a room and says he wants to have everything that Clint can offer._

Clint doesn’t go straight back to Steve’s, instead goes to a range for a little bit. Shooting is always his standby when he doesn’t know what else to do and it doesn’t take long for him to finish off a couple of targets. It doesn’t do much to help clear his head but he heads back home anyway.

It is early evening when he gets back and Steve is there when Clint enters. There is music playing, something soft, sad, and from years before Clint was born and Steve has one of his sketch pads out, is drawing. Clint knows he is back from visiting Peggy. Steve gets like this sometimes after the visits but he still goes, needs to see someone who used to know him and Clint understands.

“Hey. How was your day?”

Clint says this as he sits down next to Steve who looks up. He closes the sketch book as he talks to Clint.

“Met some new people, a guy I ran with and a new neighbor. Saw Peggy, it was a good day for her. I would like you to meet her sometime, if you are up to it.”

“Maybe the next time you go.”

Those words get him a smile from Steve and Clint likes his smiles. This thing between them is still new but Clint thinks it is nice, a small bit of comfort for both of them.

“How did it go with Fury?”, Steve asks.

“Still not cleared , still don’t know what I need to. ”

Clint has reached a decision about it but he will tell Steve later. For now, he just wants a little taste of normal, or at least what is normal for them right now.

“We can talk about it more later. Want to make some dinner together?”

Steve gives him a nod and gets up. They talk as they make a quick supper, Steve telling Clint more about the people he met today. It doesn’t take long to finish it and then they eat. Clean up happens and then they watch a movie, Steve trying to catch up on the seventy years he missed. They sit close together and touch the whole time, exchange kisses. They don’t finish the movie, get distracted and it doesn’t take long for clothes to be on the floor and for there to be more than kisses.

“You can go harder. I won’t break.”

Steve says this often and Clint just grins at him, thrusts just a little harder. Steve is under him, his hands on Clint’s back, pulling him closer, deeper into him. They are still figuring out what the other likes but it is a fun learning process at least.

It doesn’t take long before they finish, before they are both a bit sweaty and messy. They are both covered in a few red marks but by morning, neither of them will be. The serum heals Steve faster so minor bruises or cuts never last more than a few hours and Clint seems to not bruise very easily anymore. It is just one more thing about his life he doesn’t have an answer for.They clean up and after Clint lays with Steve on the bed.

“Something is still bothering you from today.”

Steve says this, waits to see if Clint will answer. Clint turns so that Steve can see his face as he speaks.

“Fury is keeping something from me, something about my last mission.”

“What do you want to do about it?”

It is such a simple question but Clint takes just a moment before he answers.

“I’m going to finish it. I’m going to find the widow, even if I have to do it on my own.”

Steve gives him a nod, promises to help. He understands, knows what it is like to not have answers. Clint just hopes it is the right choice, that he will finally have his answers, can be whole again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.

<><><><><><><> 

_The lights are dimming and Natasha has a great view of the stage from the balcony seats that James got them. He sits on her right and their hawk on her left. This is their first outing that isn’t a mission with him and Natasha is looking forward to it, hasn’t seen a ballet for a while. It starts and Natasha watches but she finds her gaze drifting to Clint every few minutes._

_He watches the stage and she can see every expression on his face. He is so open to them now that he has been remade. There are at times looks of confusion on his face as he watches but also fascination. He may have never seen a ballet before and for all intents and purposes, even if he had, he is watching it for the first time. She watches it when she isn’t watching him and it is a beautiful production, one that is a good introduction of ballet for their Hawk. She hope he enjoys it or will at least be able to tolerate like James does. It is one of her favorite indulgences._

_The ballet is over after a couple of hours and then they are walking back to where they are staying for the evening. Natasha has her arm linked in Clint’s and is explaining some of the different dances preformed tonight as James walks just a little behind them. Clint asks her how she knows so much about it and she leans closer to him, makes sure no one but him and James will hear her answer._

_“I have studied it before, for various covers. I think in another life, I would have been a dancer or would have at least wanted to be. Perhaps once in this life, I was a dancer.”_

_It is nothing that she has not shared with James before but now that Clint is finally theirs, she can share these pieces of herself with him as well._

_“You should show me.”_

_He says this and she agrees. When they get to where they need to be, after they have made sure everything is secured, they push some furniture against the walls, and she shows him a few moves. After a little while, she gets James to dance with her. He has always been good at it. She grabs Clint when James steps away from her for a moment, has him wraps his arms around her waist._

_“I’m not as graceful as you. I might trip you up.”_

_There is something sweet about how Clint says this and she simply guides him into an easy step as she gives him a quick kiss._

_“You’re not clumsy and sometimes that is enough.”_

_Their hawk moves well enough and James watches them for a while. It is a nice evening and there is something that feels very right about the three of them together and Natasha knows she made the right choice when she didn’t slit his throat those months ago._

Natasha left the window open, the one closet to the fire escape. It lets a nice breeze in and it will make things a little easier. She is alone right now, spreads out her papers on the table, looks over all of them. It has been less than a week and she knows that they will need to wait a little longer but their plans are shifting into place and she has had glimpses of their hawk, has been able to observe and gather information.

She looks through some pictures, some from just the other day. There are not too many, can’t risk following him too closely, but there is one that is very clear of him as he leaves the apartment. Her fingers pick it up and she looks at it, sees Clint. He is turned towards the person next to him, has a tiny bit of a smile and it is that smile that bothers her, more what it means, who it is directed towards. She knows that smile well, it used to be directed towards her, towards James and she doesn’t like that he gives it to Rogers now, that Rogers has managed to claim a part of their hawk.

The breeze is no longer coming in and the window closes softly. Someone has just climbed through it. She is not worried, simply puts her picture down and looks up.

“He is on this floor, isn’t he? How close?”

James says this as his greeting, sits down right next to her. They haven’t seen each other since she came here, he had another task to do first and she gives him a kiss before answering.

“He is across the hall, five doors down. Roger’s apartment has a fire escape, just like this one and the distance to the next building is not very far. “

It is so very tempting to tell him that they should go there now, but she knows that it isn’t the right moment yet. She isn’t the only one keeping an eye on them after all.

“Have you spoken to him?”

There is almost an eagerness to his voice right now and she shakes her head.

“Haven’t had a chance to, but I have spoken to Rogers, have been able to watch their movements. He called Clint his friend when he told me about him but there was hesitation, a nervousness, and I have seen how he looks at him, how our hawk looks at him.”

She hands James the picture as she tells him this and he looks down at it. She can see his eyes flare with a bit of jealousy but there is something else when he looks at the part of the photo that shows Rogers, something she isn’t quite sure of but he looks away from the picture after a moment and whatever was in his eyes is gone.

“Rogers doesn’t matter. Our hawk will still come home. This time, he will stay, SHIELD will not take him again.”

His words are a sweet promise and they speak about them for a little longer, go over everything they have, all their plans. It is late now and Natasha turns to him, places another kiss against his mouth.

“Is there somewhere else you need to be?”

He shakes his head, the soldier has no tasks that can’t wait right now and she smiles at him.

“Stay with me then.”

He kisses her again, tells her always. They move to the bed after a few moments, let their cloths fall to the floor. It is slow tonight, touches more reassuring than claiming. When it is over, she nestles against him, her head on his chest. It is a very familiar position, one that feels right, but the bed still feels empty without their hawk next to them.

“Do you think Rogers hold him at night, is holding him now?”

James asks, has his fingers in Natasha’s hair. She thinks about it, can picture it in her mind, Rogers drawing their hawk to him, Clint molding his body against Rogers’. Their hawk likes to be held and no doubt seeks it out from Rogers since he is not with them now. It makes her want to hurt Rogers.

“Yes.”

James draws her a little closer, strokes his fingers through her hair.

“If there is a chance, we can break his arms.”

She smiles at him, understands the possessiveness and she lets her self drift off to sleep with his fingers in her hair and his promises in her ear.

<><><><><><><> 

Clint likes to be held when he sleeps and Steve holds him, enjoys it. He wraps his arms around him and holds him most of the night and most nights it helps them both sleep a little better. Tonight is not one of those nights and Steve finds himself awake but he keeps his hold on Clint, doesn’t let go as he stays awake and thinks.

He thinks about the past, about Brooklyn, about Bucky, about Peggy, about battles fought before and during the war. He thinks about now, about waking up with 70 years past, about Clint, about figuring out how to live in this new time. He thinks about the future, about what might happen when Clint gets his answers.

It is that last thought that has him awake now. Clint has been looking into his last mission and there are things that aren’t quite making sense. He knows who he is after, has told Steve what he has been able to piece together about the black widow but he feels like he is missing something very important. He told Steve just the other day that he feels like the widow has or had a partner, Loki kept saying they stole him, not she or he. Steve isn’t sure what Loki meant when he told Clint that he was stolen and he is starting to wonder if there is a specific reason why Fury doesn’t want Clint looking into this.

Clint is still beside him but he is moving in his sleep, tossing around just a bit. He is murmuring now, words under his breath that Steve tries to make out. It takes him a few moments but it sounds like a list, a random collection of words and he is only able to make out a few, red, metal, Natasha, soldier. Clint is still moving, a little more violently now and Steve tries to soothe him but it isn’t working. He is thrashing about and Steve tries to hold him, doesn’t want him to hurt himself.

“Clint, you need to wake up, you’re having a nightmare, wake up.”

He repeats these words and Clint bolts up, eyes wide open now and he looks very startled. Steve sits up with him, keeps his arms around him.

“Clint, you’re safe, you’re ok.”

It takes a few moments but he is calming down and he is looking at Steve now. His eyes are focusing and he is starting to look like himself again.

“It was a dream but it didn’t feel like it, felt like it had happened. “

“Can you tell me what it was?”

Clint is a little shaky right now but he speaks.

“ There was a chair and I knew what it would do, had been put in it before or one like it but this time, they weren’t there to tell me it was needed and it was others and I didn’t want to lose them.”

He sounds so very confused, like he is starting to lose the dream already.

“What didn’t you want to lose?”

He asks the question and Clint shakes his head.

“I don’t know. “

Steve thinks for just a moment and he remembers those words that Clint kept repeating. He tells Clint about them now, those four words and they make something click in Clint’s head and he is scrambling out of Steve’s arms, going to the living room. Steve follows, isn’t sure what is going on.

“The solider, it has to be but he isn’t supposed to be real. Loki had said the spider and the weapon, it makes sense.”

“Clint what makes sense?”

Steve asks as Clint goes to his computer and pulls something up. Clint turns to him, shows him the screen. It is a file, one that doesn’t seem to have much info in it but there is a name at the top, one that seems more like a code name than anything. It says the winter soldier.

“They had me, did something while I was missing. It is not just the black widow I need to look for but also the soldier, the one everyone thinks is a ghost.”

Clint has remembered, not enough from what it seems but just enough to have a missing piece filled in. Steve knows that they won’t get any more sleep tonight so he sits down next to Clint.

“Tell me about the soldier.”

Clint reads the file that he has about him, the tiny bit of information and it doesn’t help to lessen the feeling that there is something very wrong in Clint’s past. Steve isn’t sure he will be able to protect Clint from it but he will do all he can to.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a little more and I just want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. It really helps motivate me to write.

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_The bar doesn’t have the greatest lighting, about a third of the light bulbs in the place are out, but Clint can still make out the dart board. It would have been so very easy to sink every single dart into the center but he can’t do that right away. No one wants to be their money if they think they will lose straight away. He had learned that the hard way the first time he tried to hustle out darts. He doesn’t make himself look too sloppy at first either because then when he starts sinking target after target, they tend to know they have been hustled and that doesn’t work out well either. That lesson came with a broken rib and pain has always been a strong motivator for Clint to remember things, it is why Buck used it so much._

_He shoots by himself for just a while till he get challenged and then he goes to work. He doesn’t need a whole lot of money, just enough so he can buy some new papers, a new id. The one he has now is good for getting him into bars since he is still two years too young to be here legally but it won’t hold up for enlisting. He knows that if he shows up with his real name, he will end up in prison or worse but he can’t stay doing what he is doing now. At least snipping for the army should let him get more sleep without nightmares._

_The games go well and Clint misses just enough that people want to play against him but no enough that he doesn’t clean them out. He soon has a little stack of cash that he puts in his pocket. It isn’t enough but he will hit another place tomorrow and then leave town the next day. He isn’t getting ready to leave this bar, thinking of seeing if he can hit another tonight maybe when someone comes up next to him, speaks._

_“You seem pretty good at that. How about I buy you a drink ?”_

_Clint saw the guy watching him most of the night, he is a little hard not to notice, what with the eyepatch and all. He has a feeling the guy wants to talk about something. Clint should try to avoid this but it may be easier if he plays along for a little bit, find out what the guy wants so he shrugs and says sure. The man orders himself a whiskey and starts to order the same for Clint._

_“Not that. Prefer beer or something else.”_

_Not whisky, never whisky, makes him think about how much his dad smelled of it when he got in the car with mom that night. The man switches Clint’s order to a beer, gestures that they should go sit in the table furthest in the corner. Clint follows, hopes he isn’t making a mistake._

_“So what is the name of the undefeated dart player of the evening?”_

_The man asks as they sit down. Clint tells him the name on his latest id, John Barney. He hadn’t been thrilled with the last name but there hadn’t been time to have it changed._

_“And you would be?”_

_“Nick Fury.”_

_That almost sounds like a fake name but Clint doesn’t say anything, takes a sip of his beer. Fury, if that is his name, is watching him, his good eye focused solely on Clint. It is just a little unnerving. They talk for a little while, nothing of importance just basic chit chat, like what brings them to town. Clint says that he just needed a change of scenery, a tiny bit of truth. Fury says he is there for a job interview. He asks Clint a few more things and Clint really wants to know what the guy wants._

_“So do you find it harder to make or to miss a target?”_

_The question seems like just idle chat but Clint feels like there is a reason he is asking. Clint almost wonders if he suspects that Clint missed some of his shots on purpose._

_“I don’t like to miss.”_

_He hopes it is enough of an answer that the guy will drop the question. He doesn’t._

_“That isn’t what I asked. Harder to make or harder to miss, Mr. Barton?”_

_Clint doesn’t look away from him, tries not to look shocked._

_“Why did you call me that name?”_

_He is trying to play this off but Fury is still looking at him, watching him intently._

_“It is your name. I can call you Clint if you prefer but I would still like you to answer the question.”_

_He isn’t messing around, Clint can tell and he is angry at himself for not leaving when he had the chance._

_“Harder to miss.”_

_It is the truth. Clint takes another drink of his beer, he had watched closely enough that he is pretty sure it isn’t poisoned._

_“How long have you been watching me?”_

_Clint asks, unsure if he is going to get an answer._

_“Long enough. You have made quite a name for yourself, Hawkeye, have quite a bit of a rap sheet. Lots of people are ready to bring you in.”_

_“You one of them?”_

_It would be just Clint’s luck to take a drink from a fed. He has just added charges of underage drinking to his theft, scam, and murder. Fury shakes his head just a bit._

_“Not unless I have to. I am here to offer you a job, one where you can make your rap sheet disappear.”_

_Clint isn’t sure but he decides to listen to the guy anyway. The worst that happens is that he will have to run away._

_“What would I have to do?”_

_“Nothing you haven’t already done but this time you will be on the right side of things.”_

_He tells Clint a little bit more, explains about his organization. At the end of the night, he hasn’t said yes or no yet and Fury hands him a card, says that he expects an answer by noon. Clint calls at 11:52 and by 12:15 he is on his way to a base to be screened._

Clint’s security clearance to view his past missions has been yanked. He discovered it just today, had went and talked to Fury about it, the man refusing to reinstate it before Clint is cleared. It wouldn’t surprise Clint if he tries to have him relocated to a base in the next week or so and he needs to tell Steve that he is pretty sure the apartment is bugged, that Fury may have people watching them. Fury  is hiding something from Clint, something that has to do with the widow, with the soldier and if is frustrating Clint. He has gotten little pieces of memories back from that time, not much at all, but enough that he is starting to think he was comprised by them somehow. It still doesn’t explain how he ended up losing all his memoires and his dream from a couple nights’ prior jumps to his head. He has been wiped, at least once, he just isn’t sure who did it.

He thinks about everything as he makes his way back to the apartment. At this point looking into the widow and the soldier more would basically be going rouge and he has to decide if that is something he is willing to do. He has to discuss it with Steve, hasn’t kept him out anything that he has been going through and won’t start doing it now. Clint thinks that whatever he has going on with Steve may be close to love and he isn’t going to throw it away until there is no choice.

Clint hopes that Steve will be in the apartment when he gets back but he knows that Steve had a visit with Peggy today so he might not be. Clint has met her now, can see how much she means to Steve and he almost feels jealous but he doesn’t. It is good that Steve still has someone from his past, is making other friends like Sam. Clint should follow suit and start going out into the world more but there is still a part of him that feels like something is missing, that needs to know his past before he can focus on his future.

He is in their building now, makes his way to their floor. There is hardly anyone else out right now, the hall very empty and Clint is okay with that, doesn’t want to make much chat with the neighbors. It as soon as he has that thought that he sees some one ahead of him, a woman, stopping near and apartment, trying to find something in her bag. Clint looks at the floor, sees some keys just a few feet away from her. He picks them up, hopes that they are hers and that she won’t be too chatty.

“Are you looking for a set of keys with a ballet slipper chain by any chance? If you are, I have them.”

He asks as he gets closer to her. He back is turned to him but he can see her hair, a bright red. She doesn’t turn to him yet but she stops searching through her purse.

“Thank you, what ever your name is.”

There is something about her voice , something that seems familiar, but Clint shrugs, gives out his name, and holds out the key chain. She turns and faces him, gives a little smile. It is a nice smile, friendly, causal but there is something about it that doesn’t quite seem right to him.

“You’re Steve’s friend, right? He has talked about you. Natalie Rushman, nice to meet you.”

She is still smiling at him, eyes on his face, watching him intently. There is something about how she is carrying herself, about how normal she seems, and he is pretty sure at this point that she isn’t just some neighbor. He wonders if she is Fury’s, someone he sent to keep an eye on them. She has reached forward to shake his hand and he takes it.

Her touch is soft, very soft and feels familiar. She is holding the shake just a bit long, her fingers wrapped around his. Those fingers are stronger than she is letting on. He can almost feel an ache in his own at her touch and in this moment, he gets a flash of a memory, of a crunch of bones, of red hair, of a gentle kiss against broken knuckles.

She isn’t one of Fury’s and his past is here right now.

“He told me about you. You just moved in, right?”, Clint asks this, keeps his tone friendly and tries not to show anything on his face. His body has tensed up just a bit and he forces it to relax. He is sure she noticed but she doesn’t say anything about it.

“Yep, first place without roommates. It is nice so far, though rent isn’t that fun when you are the only one paying it.”

She is still preforming right now, hasn’t broken character though she has finally let go of his hand. Clint plays along for a few moments, talks to her about rent, hands her the keys. She invites him in for coffee and he shrugs, tells her some other time. He isn’t going into her apartment till he has confirmed his suspicions. He leaves her, starts to walk down the hall when she calls out.

“Hey, see you soon.”

She makes the words sound like a simple promise and Clint says sure and she gives him a smile that has just a hint of threat to it and that seems more real. He enters the apartment and Steve isn’t there. Clint isn’t sure how much time he will have but the makes sure to lock the door, attaches the chain.   He gets to his computer, makes sure he is in a good spot. He can’t check the name through SHIELD right now but there are other ways. He does the search quickly, also makes a quick message to Steve, one to let him know that something is about to happen. Steve always checks his texts now even if hasn’t quite gotten the hang of sending them.

He gets his results quickly and Natalie Rushman is a cover, a good one, but one that is fake none the less.   He wonders what her plan is, wonders how she has evaded SHIELD for so long. Maybe he will get his answer right now because he hears the door opens, the chain being fiddled with and someone entering and then closing the door, locking it behind them once again. The footsteps are too light to be Steve’s and Clint doesn’t get up yet.

“You weren’t lying when you said see you soon. “

She has come into the room, her mask discarded and she leans against the door frame. She is watching him, eyes looking over every inch of him.

“I was hoping to play the game a little longer but you always did have good eyes. Tell me, do you remember enough that you know why I’m here?”

There is curiosity in her voice and she stands relaxed. She knows about his memory loss, may have a source inside SHIELD if she was able to find him here so quickly. He wants to buy a little time so he answers her question, doesn’t lie. Somehow, she would know it, he is sure of it.

“I’m pretty sure you broke my fingers once and that we have unfinished business that is coming up as a blank right now. Are you here to kill me, widow?”

She shake her head at him, moves a little closer. Clint just has to stall her a little longer, has to hope that the bugs he suspects are in his apartment are being listened to fairly regularly.

“No, not here to kill you. I suppose kidnapping would be the right word, unless you want to leave now before anyone else tries to interfere.”

She is right beside him now, offers this as a choice. He shakes his head no, gets ready to fight, hopes they don’t wreck the apartment too badly. She smiles at him, something dangerous and almost fond, then she leans forward and Clint is able to just move out of the way before the needle plunges into his neck.

It is a fight now and she is fast, probably better at unarmed combat than he is. He has a feeling that she is holding back and he isn’t quite sure why. It is a pretty even fight, both of them seeming to know how the other fights. Clint catches her with a kick, a pretty good one that sends her across the room. She crumples to the floor and he goes to make sure she is out, that he can bind her. This is a mistake and he doesn’t move away fast enough this time and the needle is jabbed into his throat, something being injected in.

“We’re going to take care of you again, show you everything that has been hidden. You’ll remember your place soon enough and this time, you are going to choose it.”

Her words are spoken close to him, sound like a promise. He tries to move away from her but what ever she gave him is making him sluggish. She gets up, is watching him, doesn’t go to move him out yet. She seems to be waiting for something but Clint isn’t sure what. Darkness is starting to creep into the edge of his vision and before he succumbs to it, he can hear the door being broken, someone coming in.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a little more, enjoy.

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The soldier gets into position quickly, doesn’t waste any time. James has been keeping close to the area, Natasha planning to speak with Clint as soon as possible and there was no way to know his exact reaction. It was a good call on their parts and James is on the next building with a clear sight line within minutes, is there when Natasha goes into the apartment.

There is no way of knowing how long their window of opportunity is right now but they have plans in place, can improvise if needed. He watches as she walks closer to him, listens in through one of the frequencies that they are keeping track of. He still doesn’t remember fully but their hawk is remembering a bit now that Natasha is near him. She offers him a chance to leave with her now and it would be nice if he takes it but he doesn’t. Their hawk is always so stubborn and soon enough he is fighting her. James watches, still finds their movements beautiful together. Their hawk is still fast, what they put him through has not been undone but Natasha still manages to get the needle into his neck, gets him subdued. There was a possible other way they could have secured him but they want to wait, see if they can get him to remember with out it first.

She is waiting to see if anyone will show up and that is when the door is broken, a man entering. James has him in his scoop, sees Rogers standing before her. He isn’t in his uniform right now, is in street clothes, but as James stares at him through the lens of his scope, he can picture him in his uniform, somewhere other than this place, some where far away. There is that nagging feeling again, the one that keeps popping into James’ head when he sees a picture of Rogers, the feeling that he knows him somehow, that there is something important that he has forgotten. He pushes it aside, has his finger on the trigger in case it is needed. He doesn’t pull it until Rogers goes to move Clint away from Natasha and that is when he fires.

It is more a warning shot than anything, a purposeful miss to startle Rogers away, but it still feels very wrong to fire at him for some reason. He buries the thought deep in his head and there are others filling the apartment now. He could get down there, could fight them off but he remembers their plans, knows that they need to do more than simply take their hawk. He fires instead, clips one of the SHIELD members in the shoulder, and fires a few more shots. It is enough to cause Rogers to look for him and then the man is giving chase.

He leads Rogers, needs to leave enough of an impression that Rogers will be curious, ask questions. The man is something, quick and determined and he almost wants to fight him right now, wants to see what sort of challenge he would be. James doesn’t, just keeps running and Rogers tries to slow him down, throws his shield. James turns, catches and he sees Rogers’ expression when he does. His eyes are wide and his nostrils flare in breath. He is surprised that James caught, is staring at his metal arm right now. James throws it back, leaves and makes sure he isn’t followed. He has a few things he will have to plan on his own now and he knows that SHIELD won’t be prepared for it.

<><><><><><> 

_Clint remembers so much more now and Steve asks him a few questions the days after New York. He tries not to ask too much, to cross any boundaries but it is nice to finally get to know Clint, to hear stories about his past that before Clint mostly had to guess at. Steve shares as well, little pieces of his past, and right now they are laying in bed, looking over each other’s scars._

_“Bullet?” Steve asks as his fingers rub against a scar on the back of Clint’s right shoulder. Clint is bare chested right now and Steve can see every little mark. Clint’s fingers come up next to Steve’s, touches the mark so he knows which scar Steve is referring to before he speaks._

_“Yep, bullet. It had to be dug out and I had to be in a hospital bed for a while. I got in the way when someone was shooting at Coulson. Phil was not very happy but I didn’t have to do paper work for the next week.”_

_There is a look on Clint’s face when he talks about Coulson, the look of guilt, anger, and grief. Steve decides to draw Clint’s attention away from the memory, tells him about one of his own scars._

_“Most of my scars come from before the serum, after it heals me up pretty quickly. This one on my thumb came when I was about 19 and wasn’t paying attention when I was slicing potatoes.”_

_He shows Clint his right thumb, the faint line across the pad of it, the slight indent because he took out a little hunk of skin. Clint touches it, strokes it with his own thumb._

_“Looks like it hurt.”_

_Clint says this softly, keeps his thumb touching Steve’s._

_“Yep. Bleed over most of the kitchen and Bucky yelled at me and wouldn’t let me cook for about three days. He got tired of doing it all himself after a while and then I got to handle knives again.”_

_His story gets a little chuckle out of Clint and Steve is glad to hear it. Clint hasn’t been able to laugh much since New York, has so much guilt and confusion in his head and Steve is happy when he can distract him for a few moments._

_Steve goes back to looking Clint over, runs his fingers down his sides. There is a scar there as well, a long slash that is pretty faded but still there. His fingers linger there, trace over it and it draws Clint’s attention. He looks down at it, his own fingers coming close to Steve’s and tracing the scar as well._

_“Where did this one come from?”_

_He asks and Clint is quiet for a moment._

_“I don’t remember that one yet.”_

_He shrugs as he says that, the one Steve knows means he is trying to hide how much the fact he can’t remember something bothers him. Steve simply moves his fingers away from that one, gives Clint a kiss. They will talk about it more later, now Clint needs a distraction, affection and Steve is willing to give him that._

The last minutes have been a mess, chaos that Steve wasn’t expecting. He had gotten a text from Clint, one that made him run home to find the door locked, the chain in place, and sounds of a fight coming thru the door. He had broken the door with out a thought, ran into to discover Clint on the ground, their neighbor above him and then there had been shots fired, SHIELD personal entering as well. He had just finished trying to chase him, was unsuccessful and now he is back in his apartment, being spoken to by one of the agents, as an unconscious Clint is being looked over and their not so normal neighbor is being cuffed and sat down.

“Thought I would meet you under better circumstances but it is what it is. Brock Rumow, in charge of the strike team.   We are getting things taken care of.”

The man who has introduced himself to Steve seems pretty straightforward, honest. Steve nods at him but keeps his eyes looking back and forth between the woman who had called herself Natalie and where Clint is being looked over.

“You guys got here quickly.”

Steve says this plainly and Rumlow gets his meaning right away.

“We had orders to keep this place watched. “

Steve nods and he isn’t thrilled about this but it can’t be changed now. Rumlow speaks to Steve for just a few more minutes, explains that they need to leave soon, that Fury will want to talk to him. Steve watches as they load up the wounded, as they load up Clint. He is breathing and unhurt for the most part, just knocked out from whatever she gave him. Steve thinks about riding with Clint but he sees them loading her up and knows that he may not have a chance to ask questions later.

“I want to ride with her, keep an eye on her.”

“She not supposed to be questioned till we get her to a base but she did break into your apartment. Don’t know if she will answer anything but you can stay in the back with her.”

This is all Rumlow says before Steve goes to the truck that they loaded her in. She is cuffed, feet and hands, and the cuffs are attached to the floor of the vehicle. There are people in the front of it but it is just her and Steve here and he sits across from her now, shield in front of him in case she tries anything.  

“Captain Rogers.”

She gives him a look of knowing when she says his name, is sitting so very calmly.

“Neighbor.”

He tells her this and there is a smirk on her face for just a moment before she speaks.

“Guess you won’t be coming over for dinner any time soon, huh?”

It is almost a tease and she doesn’t seem upset that she has been captured.

“Who are you?”

She raises a brow at him when he asks this and he isn’t sure she is going to say anything.

“I’ve been lots of people, had lots of names. SHIELD likes to refer to me as the black widow.”

Clint’s last mission is sitting right here across from Steve and he is pretty sure that the guy he chased on the roof was the winter soldier. Steve needs to know more.

“You were watching us these last weeks, watching me. Why?”

She is looking at him, staring right into his eyes. There is nothing of the girl he met a few weeks ago in her gaze and there is something disconcerting that she had been able to wear that mask so well, that he hadn’t suspected anything of her.

“SHIELD took something of mine and then you made it yours. I’m going to take him back, Captain.”

She is referring to Clint, he can hear it clearly in her voice. It makes Steve tense, for his fingers to tighten their grip on his shield. He doesn’t like how confident she sounds and possessive words leave his mouth.

“He isn’t yours. You won’t get near him again.”

<><><><><><> 

Natasha has hit a nerve, she can tell by Rogers’ words, by how tight his fingers are against his shield. He cares for their hawk, might love him, but that doesn’t matter. Nothing will stand in the way of their reclaiming of their hawk.

“So possessive. Does Fury know you’re fucking him?”

She uses the crude word, knows it will get a reaction out of him. He stays silent but his body is still tense.

“I bet Fury does, there is little he doesn’t know but he keeps so much hidden from everybody else. SHIELD is full of lies, Caption, I wonder how many you have been told.”

She wants to put doubts in his head, gives him a tiny bit of bait. He will probably share what he learns here with Clint and they need their hawk to start doubting SHIELD, to ask questions. They have so much to show him when they get a chance.

“You tell lies.”

It is a simple statement but she can tell from his face that he has listened to her words. He doesn’t trust Fury completely.

“Yes but I can tell the truth as well.”

“Are you going to tell me the truth about who was on that roof? Who was shooting?”

He is asking about James now. She gives him a little smile.

“Would you believe me if I told you it was a ghost?”

His eyes narrow a bit at her but that is all she will tell him about James. He is quiet now and they are stopped now, have made it to their destination. The vehicle opens and the captain gets out first. She is taken out next and she remains calm, doesn’t show any emotion as she leaves the vehicle. She will probably be dragged to a cell soon, will be questioned again. It is nothing she can’t handle, nothing that they don’t have plans in place for. They don’t realize it but they have dragged her just where she is wanting to be.

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	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter gave me fits but I got it done. I will try to have more done as soon as I can, just having a little bit of trouble getting things to work like they should.

<><><><><><> 

_SHIELD has had him for about a week, maybe two. It is hard to tell but Clint has done everything he can to try to get out of here, to get back to them but he hasn’t managed it and things are starting to get to him. He had been expecting torture, had been expecting integration and then death but that hasn’t happened yet. Instead, he has been visited everyday by the man in the suit, Agent Coulson, who claims to be his friend and shown things from a life he doesn’t remember, doesn’t know. Sometimes, a man with an eyepatch is there as well and he talks to Clint as well._

_Clint doesn’t know them, doesn’t remember them. He says as much , when he decides to talk to them but that isn’t very often. Instead, he listens as they tell him that he is Agent Clint Barton and that they are going to help him recover from what has been done. It appears that what was stolen from SHIELD was him._

_He listens as the days pass and he starts to decide it is the truth or at least the version of that SHIELD believes. There are files and pictures, things that could be lies, but there are also things like his first target saying Agent Barton when he first saw him and the fact that James and Natasha would not tell him much about his past, about what was stolen. They wanted to keep him away from SHIELD because they were afraid to lose him but it was not due to death as he had first thought but rather SHIELD being able to reclaim him._

_He should hate them if it is true, if they took his life from him, but he can’t. As SHIELD tries to get him to talk, tries to get their agent back, Clint’s thoughts dwell on what he knows, on James and Natasha. Whatever they did, it wasn’t to hurt him or to hurt SHIELD, he is certain of that, certain of their care, their love. He feels right with them and he can’t remember if he felt right with SHIELD but he decides that doesn’t matter. He wants to return to them and so he tries to escape._

_He almost makes it, manages to get a pin from someone’s pocket one day. Clint uses it the best way he knows how, stabs Agent Coulson with it, in the arm. It isn’t meant to kill, just to distract and it works. Clint is able to get out of the room, almost makes it out of the building. He is dragged back, fighting the whole way and the man with the eye patch, Fury, watches as he is sedated. There is a look on his face for just a moment that Clint sees, a brief flicker of hurt, of sadness before it fades into resolve._

_The next day, Fury and Coulson are not there but some techs bring in a chair with various wiring. Clint somehow knows what it is, what it will do. They are going to take away everything he remembers now, are going to take them away, the soldier, the widow, James, Natasha. He won’t lose them if he can help it, they are his._

_He fights as they get him to the chair, does all he can to not get strapped down. It is a fight he loses. There is a list in his head right now, words that are important. He repeats them to himself._

_Hawk, Clint, Widow, Natasha , solider, James, mine, metal, red, need_

_The machine starts and he repeats them in his head until the pain overwhelms him and he can’t think of anything._

Clint isn’t quite sure where he is when he comes to. That is a worrying feeling but one that he has felt before. He keeps himself calm, can feel the remains of what ever she gave him still leaving his system but his head is clear enough now that he knows he is on a bed, no cuffs but there is a something on his finger, possibly a heart monitor. Hospital or more likely SHIELD base. He can hear voices now and one of them is Steve’s and that makes him less worried and he opens his eyes.

“What do you mean that she gave him a larger than needed dose? Are you trying to say he may not wake up from this?”

There is such worry in Steve’s voice and Clint can see him in the corner of the room, talking to someone Clint recognize from SHIELD medical. That answers whether he is in the hospital or not. He wants to say something but his head still isn’t quite clear yet so he doesn’t.

“No, Captain Rogers, we are saying it may be a while before he wakes up. His vitals are steady, he doesn’t seem harmed but it was a very powerful sedative.”

Clint isn’t sure that the doc knows what he is talking about since Clint is awake now, his heartbeat even picking up a bit. The beeping is steady, picking up just a bit of speed now and Clint doesn’t like having this thing on his finger so he pulls it off. The beeping shuts up and both Steve and the doctor turn to him.

“Agent Barton, you need to stay in the bed, we need to look you over.”

The doctor says this but Clint isn’t really paying attention to him, is watching Steve come over to him, standing in front of Clint now and looking at him with both relief and a tiny bit of worry still.

“How are you feeling?”

The fuzzy feeling is almost gone now and so Clint finds it a little easier to answer Steve’s softly spoken question.

“Head’s a bit woozy but that is going away. Were you the one who broke the door?”

Steve gives a bit of a shrug, takes his hand, holds it like he needs to touch Clint to make sure he is ok. Clint doesn’t mind.

“Didn’t have time to use my key.”

Clint gives him a tiny bit of a smile.

“We needed to replace that door anyway, it creaks. Did she get away?”

Clint has to know this, can hear how serious his voice gets when he asks the question. Steve still has his hand and his grip becomes a little tighter, a tiny bit more possessive.

“She didn’t get away, she was brought here, but there was someone else on one of the roofs that tried to help her. He was strong, fast, had a metal arm. He got a way.”

The winter soldier was there as well. Clint needs to talk to Fury, says this out loud. The doctor tries to keep him in bed but Clint feels less woozy now, gets up on his own. He starts to make his way to the door, Steve right beside him, when he hears a voice coming from out in the hall.

“Rogers is in Barton’s room, correct? “

It is Fury so Clint doesn’t leave the room. He waits and hears someone tell Fury yes, Steve is in his room and they can hear his footsteps coming closer and Steve stands right next to him, still has ahold of his hand. He lets go of it right as the door opens.

“Barton, I wasn’t told you were awake yet.”

Fury doesn’t seem too surprised that Clint is awake.

“Just woke up, sir. We need to have a bit of a chat.”

Fury just gives him a nod and Clint wonders how this chat will go. He gestures for the doctor to leave and then Steve. The doctor leaves right away but Steve stands by Clint, doesn’t leave right away.

“I would like to speak to Barton alone.”

Fury’s voice is no nonsense but Steve doesn’t leave until Clint gives him a bit of a nod, a sign that it is ok. He leaves and the door is shut. It is just Clint and Fury now and there is so much to talk about. Fury starts.

“Tell me what happened.”

It is an order and though Clint has his own questions to ask, he answers. He tells Fury about her showing up, the fight, the little bits of info he has been able to piece together. Fury listens and then he tells Clint that the widow is in custody, that there is a leak somewhere, information being stolen and that they are going to find out if she knows anything about that.

“Sir, I want to be able to speak with her, question her.”

Fury shakes his head at this.

“She isn’t your problem, Barton, her case has been reassigned.”

“She found me, tried to take me out of Steve’s apartment. I say that makes her my problem.”

Clint isn’t going to give up on this, has to know the truth. There is something missing for him and it isn’t just his memories from those years, it is like there is something he used to have and it just isn’t there anymore. Having Steve has helped but it hasn’t quite made the empty feeling go away. Somehow he knows that the answers lie with her, with the widow, with the soldier and he needs them desperately.

“She is SHIELD’s problem and you don’t need to deal with this, you need to focus on moving forward, getting your life back on track.”

It is the same disagreement they have had for the last few weeks and Clint needs him to understand.

“My life is off track because I am still missing large chunks of the last six years of it. I know that the widow had something to do with that, know that my memory loss wasn’t some sort of accident. I need answers and she can give them to me. ”

There is a tiny bit of anger in his voice, a lot of desperation. Clint needs his answers and Fury stays silent for a moment, simply stares at Clint, a bit of worry and something that looks like guilt on his face. The look only lasts for a moment and then it is gone, replaced by Fury’s no nonsense face.

“ I know you want your answers but believe me when I tell you that the widow is not the way to get them. You won’t have contact with her.”

It is a statement, Fury’s voice giving no room for argument. This makes Clint tense up just a bit, feels some anger rising up. There is definitely something Fury doesn’t want him to know.

“Am I being kept at base, Sir?” Clint asks. He has no doubt that Fury will put him under arrest if he thinks it is needed and he wonders if maybe he already has been.

“Yes, as long as it is needed. She will be moved as soon as she can be and you will not have access to her files. This is something you need to let go of.”

Fury starts to move towards the door now. Clint has one question still to ask, figures it won’t do any harm at this point to ask it. Fury has already grounded him from getting his answers, not that Clint will let that stop him.

“Was I compromised that mission, sir?”

Fury freezes for just a moment and then he leaves the room, doesn’t give an answer. The reaction is just enough to tell Clint a little more about what has been kept from him and it makes him vow to get answers from the widow, even if he has to fight against SHIELD to get them. 

<><><><><> 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may try to work on my other series next but here is a chapter for now, hope you enjoy.

<><><><><>

_This last mission had been a mistake to take, has kept her from her boys too long. There is something not quite right about it, about how long it has taken, about how she has not heard anything from them. She manages to finish it but when she gets to the safe house she left them at, they aren’t there._

_She looks for them, goes to different places. They always seem to be just out of sight. She keeps looking, knows that she is being led on a chase, that they may be as well. The trail leads to a safe house, one of hers and when she gets there, it is destroyed. Someone had planted a trap for her but it seems that it caught someone else. She hopes it was not her boys._

_It is only a few days after she finds the destroyed safe house that the clues stop coming. It appears that whoever laid them out has what they want or they are taking a break from trying to snare her. She holes herself up somewhere safe, leaves her own clues now. It does not take long for her clues to be picked up and soon she is reunited with her soldier. He comes to her alone, looks worried when he sees that she is alone as well._

_“James, where is Clint?”_

_She asks the question, has a feeling of dread in her stomach that only increase when he speaks._

_“I don’t know. We had to split up, needed to cover more ground. Last I knew, he was headed to one of your safe houses.”_

_The feeling of dread is a tight knot now when she asks him which one. He tells her and she has to tell him about the destruction she saw. They talk about what they each know, put their own clues together and by the time they lay down that night, they have an idea of what may have happened to their hawk. SHIELD has taken him but they will not be allowed to keep him._

They put Natasha in a simple holding cell. She is cuffed, hands in front of her at the table cuffed there, legs cuffed to the chair. She has been here for a few hours, hasn’t been questioned by anyone yet. She could possibly get out of the cuffs but she doesn’t, not yet. She needs to see what their move is.

A few days ago, she did a job in between watching Rogers and Clint. It wasn’t too horribly difficult, just stealing some highly classified files from SHIELD. It was done to help keep a few things hidden from Fury and also to be able to set up something down the line. No doubt SHIELD is going to want to know where those files went.

She waits, more time passes. Her wrists are getting a little sore from the cuffs, her nose itches and she can’t scratch, the room smells a little bit of dust and dirt, but overall she has been in much worse conditions. She waits, the door remains closed. Natasha remains still for the most part, ignores the itch of her nose. It goes away after a few more minutes. She waits, there is no noise outside the room she can hear.   Her fingers are not bound and so she stretches them a little bit. This is nothing more than a waiting game and so she waits, closes her eyes.

There is now noise, a door opens and someone is coming closer. She keep her eyes closed until a voice speaks.

“We haven’t had the chance to meet yet but I don’t think we need to have introductions.”

The voice is stern, no nonsense and Natasha opens up her eyes to see Nick Fury seated across from her now.

“I would have thought that questioning prisoners is below your pay level, Director Fury.”

She is only mildly surprised that it is Fury doing the questioning. She and James have been a thorn in SHIELD’s side for a long time and their stealing of Clint must have rankled Fury, after all he has gone to so much trouble to return Clint to who he was before them. She stares straight at him, refuses to be intimidated.

“You are a special case, Miss Romanov, you have caused quite a bit of trouble, stolen a few things from us. Thought it might be a good idea to ask about them myself.”

He is looking straight into her eyes right now as well when he says this. This is where the game begins, the standoff. They both know a little bit about what the other can do. Threatening torture will not work on her and Natasha knows that Fury will be unlikely to let himself be baited by her playing weak. Instead, she is blunt.

“Which are you wanting to talk about, the sniper or the information?”

There is no reason for her not to mention Clint and Fury does not look away from her. Instead, he is calm when he speaks.

“We have recovered the sniper despite your attempt earlier today but you took some very important files a few days ago, files we would like back.”

“And what happens to me if I tell you where they may be?”

She knows that her freedom isn’t going to be offered but that doesn’t matter. She doesn’t plan on staying SHIELD’s prisoner long.

“We don’t hand you over to some of the more unsavory governments that you have managed to piss off.”

She takes a moment to pretend to think about it. Fury watches her the whole time. Now it is time to see if she can get him to play into their hands a little more.

“If I was to give a clue about the whereabouts of those files, I would be more likely to give it to someone other than the director of SHIELD.”

It is a small request, a test to see how much control he is going to give her.

“Is there someone you are wanting to have a chat with, Miss Romanov ?”

They both know what she is going to say, how this is going to play out but it doesn’t stop her from speaking.

“I would give a location to Agent Barton. We were quite close for a while after all.”

Just a gentle reminder to Fury that Clint is hers. His answer comes quickly.

“That is not going to happen.”

Fury isn’t a fool, doesn’t want to risk putting an agent that she has managed to compromise with her if he can help it. She gives him just a hint of a smile now.

“If I can’t speak to Barton, I want to speak with Rogers. I’ll give a location to him, no one else.”

There are other ways for Fury to try to get the information, they both know it but this would be the quickest. He doesn’t say anything, gets up and ready to leave the room.

“Don’t get used to this room, you will be leaving it shortly.”

Those are the only words he says as he leaves and Natasha thinks about how true they are. Now she only has to wait and see if Rogers will come.

 

<><><><><> 

Steve goes and finds Fury when he isn’t allowed back in Clint’s room after Steve came back from giving his record of events. He is not very happy with the man right now, has a feeling that there is something going on. Steve tries to keep calm when he finally finds him but his first words come out a bit angry.

“Is Clint under arrest for almost being kidnapped? Is that why there are guards outside his door and I’m not allowed in?”

“Barton is not under arrest, he is under observation and guard so he doesn’t go near the widow. I get that you want to see him Captain but there are a few things we need to discuss.”

Fury’s voice is calm but his shoulders are tensed up a bit.

“I already gave you my briefing, sir.”

Steve knows that there is just a hint of bit when he says sir. Fury shakes his head at this.

“This isn’t about the briefing, this is about whether I can have you go into that room and talk to her, get some information out of her.”

That isn’t really what Steve expected. Fury tells him now about how some classified files were stolen the other day, how they know she did it but do not know where she took them.

“She is willing to give a hint about the location but she won’t give it to me, will only give it to you or Barton and he is not an option.”

“Why isn’t he an option?”

Fury is doing all he can to keep Clint away from this mission and Steve wants to know why even if he has his suspicions.

“Barton has a history with her, one that I will tell both you and Barton about once she is taken care of, once whoever was on that roof is taken care of. Right now, I need to know where those files are. “

“I’ll talk to her, but I want answers when this is over. Clint deserves them.”

Fury gives him a little nod, tells him that he will be watching as he speaks to the widow. Steve wonders if Fury wants to watch to make sure he doesn’t ask a question that Fury doesn’t want him knowing the answer to.

<><><><><> 

_He feels cold, skin chilled and body stiff from it. There is solid ground under him now and he is slowly warming up, the air around him less cold now. He doesn’t open his eyes yet, is waiting for something to happen, what he isn’t sure. There is suddenly more warmth against his face, a soft gentle touch and then there is warmth against his lips. It is a kiss and it feels familiar in a way, comforting as if he used to have something that he found safe instead of what he has now. He takes a breath and he opens his eyes._

_There is a part of him that expects to see blue eyes, yellow hair. He doesn’t know why he wants to see these things and there is a bit of disappointment when they aren’t there, a feeling of grief he doesn’t think he is supposed to have. Instead of blue eyes he finds green and instead of yellow hair he sees red, bright like flame and the kiss had been so warm._

_“Who are you?”_

_It is a girl who says this, the one whose eyes and hair he had been looking at just now. He has to answer questions, to do what he is asked and so he answers._

_“James.”_

_He gives the name but he knows that it isn’t right, that she didn’t ask for a name, asked who he is and he isn’t James, not anymore._

_“I am the soldier.”_

_That is what he is now, who he is. A weapon to be used and he wonders if this girl is much the same. She helps him to sit up now and he looks at her fully now. She is young, smaller than him but there is a strength to how she looks as well. He asks her who she is and she is quiet for a moment before giving a name._

_“Natalia.”_

_He repeats the name and she is watching him. He is confused by her, confused by why he has not been given a mission yet. She takes his hand, her smaller fingers curling around his, her warmth against his cold. He wants to pull her closer, to tuck her next to him, and have her head on his chest so that he may keep her safe. He did that once before, not for her, but for someone but he can’t remember who but his mind thinks again of yellow hair and blue eyes._

_“We should run away. We could take care of each other.”_

_She says these words and they aren’t a command, are more of a request, a plead.   A part of him wants to, wants to take her far from here, but he knows that can’t happen. He keeps a hold of her hand as he speaks._

_“I will care for you but we can’t run. There isn’t anything to run to.”_

_There used to be something he tried to run to, something, someone he needed to find, yellow hair, blue eyes, but that is gone now, has been for a long time. He will care for her though, if he can, if it isn’t taken away._

_She doesn’t say anything after this, keeps her hand on his. She sits closely to him, her warmth fighting his chill. They are like this for a while, moments, but it ends with footsteps, with words and hands pulling them apart and then he is put in the chair, than the chamber. After there are no more thoughts of blue eyes or green, of red hair or yellow, just the cold._

Plans had been made very quickly after the events of Rogers' apartment, a new mission given to the soldier by Pierce. The man had been a little annoyed that they had let themselves be seen, the widow caught but it did give him an opportunity now, one he had been waiting for. The soldier will see it done and his own missions as well, the widow freed and their hawk either with them or on a path that will lead him into their arms.

Hiding in plain sight, sneaking into places that should keep him out, is not something the soldier does as much, is much more the widow’s game but he can still do it. He does it now, gets close to the base, gets inside of it. Everything is being set up so it leaves a trail, one that points at them but also to someone else as well. Everything is soon in place and it is time for the soldier to get to work, to get those who are his out of here.

<><><><><> 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter, hope you enjoy.

<><><><><> 

Steve is given a very brief summary of information about the black widow. It is not much to go by but Fury doesn’t want to send him in without anything. He wants the information as soon as possible and wants the widow moved as well. He is going over how talking with the Widow should go down when someone comes up to Fury, pulls him aside.

“Sir, something has come up. You are needed right away.”

This is all Steve hears but there is more being said and Fury is looking at his phone. Something has happened and Steve has no idea what but Fury is turning to him now.

“I have to do damage control. Get the location of those files and I promise once she is moved and things are taken care of, I will explain things to both of you but I need to know where those files are, if anything else has already been leaked.”

Fury rushes away after this and Steve walks to the room where the widow is by himself. There are guards near by and he is allowed to enter, the door closing behind him. She is cuffed to a chair, hands in front of her, and she seems just as calm as she did on the ride here. She is looking at him straight on and there is something almost predatory about her gaze. He doesn’t shy away from it, doesn’t sit down, just comes closer to her and speaks.

“Fury said you wanted to speak with me, may tell me where what you stole went to.”

“Is that why you are here or are you wanting to know more about my relationship with Clint Barton?”

She says Clint’s name with a hint of fondness in her voice and there is a bit of a smile on her face right now. Steve knows that he is being baited but he still can’t help but say something.

“I know that you have some sort of history, that you were his last mission before he ended up forgetting his whole life. “

She is looking at him, has that little bit of a smile still.

“He was sent to kill me, made a different call. He wasn’t SHIELD’s anymore after that, became mine. He still is, you will know that soon enough.”

She makes it sound like Clint chose her over SHIELD, that he is going to do that again. Steve doesn’t want to hear her talk about Clint anymore and so he asks another question, wants to see if she will answer.

“And the man on the roof, the winter soldier, is he yours too?”

Another little smile as she answers.

“Already told you, Captain, the winter soldier is a ghost.”

She isn’t going to give him anymore than that.

“If I ask about the files now, are you going to tell me the truth ?”

There is no smile right now and she is quiet for a moment. When she speaks again, her words sound like a warning of some sort.

“The truth is a matter of circumstances. You are surrounded by liars, more than you realize, maybe someday you will find out just how close the enemy has been.”

He is pretty sure that this is a trick of some sort and the way she shrugs after a few seconds just confirms that feeling for him. Her little smile is back when she speaks again.

“Most of the files have already been sent, returned even. As for the rest, I think I may have left them in my pockets when I did the laundry.”

Steve is about to reply to that when there is a knock on the door, agents appearing there, one Steve remembers from before, Rumlow at the front of the line.

“Sorry about this Cap but something is happening right now and we need you in the hallways. We have to move her. Something has been done to the computers here, surveillance and communication are down. There has to be a hostile loose.”

Steve knows exactly who is here and he leaves the room without a second thought, knows that he may be one of the only ones who can survive a fight with the man from the roof and he goes and gets his shield from where he had placed it just outside the widow’s holding room. Something big is about to happen, he is sure of it.

<><><><><> 

_Clint is still discovering himself, figuring out what he like, what he doesn’t, what his limits are. There is only so much he can gather from files, from what Coulson and Fury have told him, the rest has to be found out by experience, by time. He isn’t as much of a blank as he was when he first woke up but the things he has remembered are mostly small, don’t seem to fill up the emptiness he feels. The only thing that comes close to making the emptiness go away is Steve._

_Clint wasn’t sure what to make of him that first night he met him but he had been nice to Clint, seemed lonely. The friendship developed quickly after that. It was easy to talk to Steve or at least less difficult to talk to him than to others. They are different in many ways but there is one similarity that binds them together, they are both lost right now, broken and perhaps that is why they seek out affection from each other._

_It starts as just one kiss, Clint telling himself that it would probably be the only one, that Steve won’t want it, but Clint doesn’t remember any kisses he may have had and he wants it. It is selfish but he wants something that is his, that he can remember so he kisses Steve and Steve doesn’t push away. He returns the kiss instead, tells Clint that he trusts him, and that starts whatever it is they have. Right now, Clint doesn’t give it a label, just enjoys it._

_They are in Steve’s room right now, on his bed, laying close together. They are propped up by Steve’s pillow and his arm is around Clint, holds him close as they talk. Clint has his head on Steve’s shoulder. It is nice, Clint likes the contact, likes the feel of Steve’s body near him. He has been here for a while and Clint is starting to get a little tired, knows that he should head to his own room._

_“I should get out of here, let you get some sleep.”_

_Clint says this, turns his head so that he can give Steve a kiss. He returns it but he doesn’t move his arm away from Clint quite yet._

_“You could stay, if you want. I wouldn’t mind sharing the bed with you.”_

_Steve says this, not really hesitantly but a little shy, like he isn’t sure that Clint will want this. He thinks about going back to his own bed, laying down and feeling cold and empty and how Steve is warm next to him right now. It is an easy choice._

_“I think I would be ok with that.”_

_He gives Steve a grin with his words ant there is a pleased look on his face, one that also looks like relief. He lets Clint up now but just so that the lights can be turned off and the covers drawn back. Clint settles in next to him, head against Steve’s chest, and this feels nice, much better than being alone._

_“I’ll try not to steal the covers or kick you.”_

_He says this to Steve and he can feel the movement of Steve’s chest when he chuckles a bit._

_“I’ve had blankets stolen before, didn’t freeze then, think I will be ok now.”_

_“You share a bed a lot back in the day, Cap?”_

_Clint asks this both as a tease and as a genuine question._

_“Just with Bucky.”_

_There is a hint of softness in Steve’s voice whenever he says that name, Clint hears it and he tries not to feel jealous about it. Steve had a whole life before they met, one that took place years ago, one he can’t ever get back. Clint knows everyone has a pasta and he tries to accept Steve’s just as he tries to accept that he may never get his back fully, never find those pieces that are missing. He doesn’t dwell on that right now, instead focuses on asking a question._

_“Did either of you snore a lot?”_

_It gives another bit of a chuckle and then Steve tells him a little bit of what it was like for them back then and Clint finds himself drifting off after a little while, content for this moment._

There are guards outside his room and a little while ago he had heard Steve approach and then being told he could not go in. There hasn’t been any noise for a while and so Clint is pretty sure that Steve has gone to find Fury, to demand answers or entrance to the room. Clint paces the room right now, thinks about what he needs to do and he wishes he could have a chance to talk with Steve before he breaks out of this room.

He has been compromised before Loki, he is sure of that now, just isn’t sure how much or what was done to achieve it or how much damage was done by him. Memories are starting to trickle in now, memories of red hair and the glint of metal, of words spoken about only breaking what is needed and putting pieces back together, claiming touches and pleased smiles. The memories are still fractured, are still not enough and Clint rubs his pinkie and ring finger on his main trigger hand as he thinks about it.

His attention is drawn away from his memories, from wondering if getting his answers will be worth what trouble he may end up causing, when there is noise coming from the hall way. Something is happening right now and Clint knows that this is his chance and so when his door is opened, he is ready for it, has placed himself in the room so that he isn’t seen right away. It does just what he wants, the agents who opened the door walking all the way in and Clint moves quickly out of the room, finds the hallway deserted. Something is happening and so he walks quickly, keeps his head down but eyes aware of everything, he ducks into another hall.   It won’t take long for them to be on his tail but he is pretty sure that something else is happening right now and what he sees in this hall just confirms that.

He has stepped into one of the halls that has a surveillance panel and it has been disabled, one of his own arrows sticking out of it. There is a feeling of dread in his stomach now and that feeling only intensifies when he makes his way away from the panel to find his bow and quiver of arrows against the wall. He knows that they were brought here for a reason but he can’t just leave them behind so he grabs them as he moves out of the hall. Whatever is going on, whatever is about to happen, they want it to seem like Clint is involved. He just has to hope he can stop it.

<><><><><> 

Natasha is free of her cuffs now, hadn’t even had to do too much work since Rumlow was in charge. He filled her in quickly about what was to happen, how the soldier is here on a mission and how she is to help if needed. She still left them all in a heap on the floor but that was to cover Hydra’s tracks and her own more than anything.

She walks the halls quickly, thinks about her talk with Roger as she does so. She has planted seeds of doubt in him, just enough to make him question everything, to question Clint. If all goes well their hawk will be leaving with them, if not there should be enough evidence for Rogers to turn against their hawk, to drive him away from SHIELD.

There is a corner ahead and as she approaches it a familiar figure turns it. There is a bow pointed at her now and eyes looking straight at her. She stills, puts her hands up in front of her and then she speaks.

“Last time I saw that, it was in Rogers’ living room. How ever did it end up here?”

He doesn’t move his bow, keeps it pointed at her as he walks closer. There is something she could try right now and their hawk could return to them but she wants to wait on it, watches as he gets closer, as he talks, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“I thought you might know, might tell me what is about to happen now, what happened six years ago and why I can only remember bits and pieces of it.”

He is so close to her now, arrow still pointed at her chest and just a few inches away. She moves forward just a bit, leans so that she is right near his face. The arrow is even closer now and that is a risk but she knows him well, knows he won’t shoot till he has some sort of answer.

“I don’t know about the bow, why you can’t remember is something you should ask Fury about if you get a chance, and as for what will happen now, come with me and you will find out, my hawk.”

The words my hawk make him move the bow down just slightly and his eyes widen and his breath increases. It may be triggering something in him and he shakes his head as she moves even closer to him.

“Not yours.”

His voice is shaky and she knows that he isn’t quite ready to come home yet, is planning on being stubborn. He is just a bit distracted so she takes advantage, starts to attack, grabs ahold of both of his wrists, pulls them so that he is forced to let go of the bow, of the arrow he had ready. It is a fight now and Natasha moves quickly, manages to get him against the wall, smashes him against it. She does it hard enough that he is a bit stunned, the bow and arrows falling from his hands and she places a kiss against his forehead as he slumps down against the wall. He isn’t knocked out, just disoriented enough that she is able to make her way out of there, knows that he will follow as soon as he is able. She is counting on it.

<><><><><> 

James makes his ways through the compound, takes care of any agents he comes across, picks up more weapons as he does so. This needs to be quick but also as destructive as possible. He has taken care of the video feeds, of communication, left their hawk a present in case he is wandering these halls and now he makes his way to take care of something, knows that the widow will join him as soon as she can.

He finds Fury very quickly and it is nothing to enter the room the director is in and immediately start to open fire. He tries to avoid it but the soldier will not give up, fires as much as he can and he hits more often than he misses and the director soon is laying in a heap on the floor. He leaves the room them, starts to make his ways down the hall when something is thrown at him. He ducks but then a body tackles him.

He falls from the tackle, drags who did it down to the floor with him. He rolls away from them and the other does the same, moves towards where the SHIELD has landed. It is Rogers and he picks up the shield, turns and faces the soldier. There is still that odd sense of recognition but the soldier ignores it, gets ready to attack again. If Rogers wants a fight, the soldier will give him one,  and he charges forward just as Rogers does and metal meets metal and James knows that this is going to be a challenge. He looks forward to it. 

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	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I couldn't sleep tonight so you guys get another chapter after only a day. Hope you enjoy.

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_The training base that they have Steve at has a gym, one with various equipment and one that very few people use at midnight. In fact, right now there is only one other occupant and he isn’t even using anything yet. Clint just sits a few feet away and watches as Steve pounds at a punching bag, uses the technique that he learned so long ago._

_“Did you learn this in the army?”_

_He gestures at Steve’s stance, at how he keeps his feet stationed, how he follows through on his hits, all those little tricks Bucky showed him so long. He stops hitting the bag, turns to Clint and shakes his head at him._

_“Bucky taught me, I could barely move the bag back then. He thought it might help me to stop being beat up in alleys.”_

_He has been telling Clint more about Bucky as the days pass, as whatever this thing between them grows. Clint tilts his head just a bit and then asks a question._

_“Did it?”_

_“Not as much as he had hoped.”_

_Clint gives him a bit of smile and if they were in one of their rooms, Steve would kiss him but instead he says something instead._

_“He was always a bit protective, even when I became this. The only thing that really changed was that I could protect him as well and he tended to watch my back through a scope.”_

_He tries not to think about how after all the times Bucky protected him he hadn’t been able to do the same. His death has been years now but for Steve it was still only months ago. He doesn’t dwell on this because Clint is giving a bit more of a grin now as he speaks._

_“Sniper, huh? How good was he?”_

_“Pretty good, not sure if he was a good as you. “_

_This is the truth and Clint is positively smirking right now at the compliment. Steve sometimes wonders if Clint had always taken such pride in his shooting or if some of it is because it is one of the few things that he is sure of right now, his ability to hit a target. Steve gives him a smile of his own._

_“He may have been as cocky about it, though.”_

_Clint reminds him of Bucky sometimes and the smirk on his face right now is one of those. He doesn’t say anything about it, instead asks if Clint wants to give the bag a go for a while. He does and Steve sits and watches, tries not to think about the past when his present is right here._

Steve had thought that everything that had happened in his apartment earlier was a mess but right now, this is worse. There are so many wounded and there are people coming to attend to them but Steve can’t focus on that, on any possible casualties instead has to focus on the man he is fighting. The winter soldier is here, face masked and metal arm gleaming and that is what meets Steve’s shield as he brings it forward.

That arm is strong, doesn’t bend the shield but it doesn’t seem to be effected by connecting with it either, pushes it out of the way quite well. They are mostly blocking each other right now, arm against shield. Steve tries to dodge it when it comes near him, knows that even with the serum that arm could leave quite a bruise. It is a weapon just as anybody’s fists can be but this one is even more dangerous and the soldier knows how to use it. Steve dodges it one more time, throws a kick that connects with the soldier chest, drops him to the ground for a moment. It is only for a moment and the soldier is almost immediately up, has gotten a hold of a gun now, fires off a few rounds at Steve. He uses the shield to block them and then he charges at the soldier again, gets the gun away from him.

They continue to fight, are making their way through the base. The soldier is fast, strong, so very dangerous and Steve is doing all he can to try to keep him contained, to try to keep him from leaving through the door they are near now. He has a knife now, manages to slice Steve’s side, a long slash, and blood starts to trickle out but Steve doesn’t pay attention to it, focuses on the fact that it is just the two of them. Steve manages to throw the soldier, his mask coming off his face as he falls to the ground. There is the sound of footsteps coming and Steve is about to turn slightly to see who it is when the soldier rises, turns so that he is staring straight at Steve just a few feet away and the sight of him without a mask makes Steve freeze.

The man before Steve has stubble across his cheeks, blue eyes staring at him with a hard expression and lips closed in a tight line but he knows that face, knows those eyes. The widow had called him a ghost and that is just what Steve sees as he stares at him right now. He can’t help but call out a name that he still dreams about shouting on a cold winter day so many years ago.

“Bucky.”

“Who the hell is Bucky?”

Steve knows that voice but he isn’t’ used to the confusion in it, to the lack of reaction in Bucky’s eyes as Steve moves closer to him. He doesn’t make it more than a step because there is suddenly a sharp pain in the back of his shoulder, and he can feel something in it and there are footsteps even closer now and a voice.

“Finish him if you want.”

It is the widow’s voice and Steve can see her running towards Bucky, towards the door, out of the corner of his eye but he can’t make himself move any farther away from Bucky. There is a gun in Bucky’s hand now, one that had been on his back, and he is about to pull the trigger when an arrow flies, knocks it out of his hand.

“Hawk.”

Bucky says this, and his voice is different than it was before, something almost warm in that one word when the sentence he had uttered before had been devoid of almost anything. There is blood dripping down Steve’s back now, more blood to join that already on his side and his knees are starting to buckle, he can hear another voice now, Clint’s, and it calls out a name as Bucky moves closer to him but still a few feet away.

“James.”

Steve hasn’t fallen yet, tries to keep standing and he can still see Bucky’s face and there is a bit of smile at the name James and he pulls another knife, gets ready to throw it at Steve when there is another arrow, this one hitting the ground before it explodes and Steve can’t stand anymore, and he lands forward, on his front and there is some smoke and Clint is saying his name, is closer now and Bucky is gone.

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Clint grips his bow tightly as he gets closer to Steve, his body shaking and his mind a mess. He should have gotten here sooner, should have stopped her before she slammed him against the wall, should have put the arrow in his heart instead of just knocking the gun away. There are so many different should haves running through his mind right now and there is a part of him that thinks maybe he should be following the soldier and the widow but Steve is on the ground and there is a knife sticking out of him and that is what he tries to focus on, not anything else.

There are memories trickling in again, ones of the widow, of the soldier, Natasha, James. He is trying to push them out of his mind and he is to Steve now. He puts his bow down, his quiver and he bends down to the floor, grabs Steve. He puts his hands under him to bring him closer and he can feel sticky blood on Steve’s right side. The knife is his shoulder is helping to close the wound a little bit but Clint knows he can’t leave it in and so he moves Steve so he is in Clint’s lap and then he is ripping his shirt, will need to use it to put pressure onto the wound when the knife is gone.

“Bucky, it was Bucky. Looked right at me, didn’t know.”

Steve is saying this under his breath, is trying to turn so he can look at Clint. He stops him, holds him still.

“Can’t move, Cap, got get this knife out of you, apply pressure.”

This is all the warning Clint gives before he pulls the knife out, tosses it to the side as Steve lets out a little shout of pain. He puts the remains of Steve’s shirt on the wound, puts both of his hands on top of it and pushes down. He needs to keep Steve conscious, there should be help here soon.

“It’s going to be alright, the serum will take care of this in just a bit. Stay awake, talk to me if you need to.”

He is staring down at Steve’s back, his shoulder, at his own hands pressing down as he says this. They are covered in blood, Steve’s blood but the flow of it is slowing down now. His hands had been covered in blood before but they didn’t mind, she had washed them off and he had called him our hawk. The memory is so strong but Steve is speaking now and it draws Clint back to now, back to Steve, back to what happened just a few moments ago.

“You called him James and he smiled at it but he didn’t’ know me.”

There is such confusion in Steve’s voice, confusion and hurt and something almost like fear. Clint isn’t sure what to say to it and there is noise now, people, footsteps, the sound of guns being raised and triggers readied. Clint doesn’t look up yet, keeps staring at his hands, at the blood.

“Agent Barton, move away from Captain Rogers.”

He doesn’t move but he looks up now, is surrounded by agents, guns drawn.

“He’s bleeding, needs medical.”

One agent moves forward, kicks his bow and quiver away from him and he knows that he is being considered a danger again.

“Move away.”

“Someone takeover pressing his wound and I will.”

There is a nod and then two agents come forward and Steve is helped to sit up, one agent behind him, keeping pressure on the wound and the other next to him. He looks at Clint now and there is confusion written all over his face and Clint is sure it is reflected on his own.

An agent comes over to Clint now and he is dragged up. He could fight but he is outnumbered and Steve is hurt so he just lets his hands be cuffed. He can hear Steve asking about what is going on, why they are cuffing him and then he is being led down the hall, Steve still with the other agents.

“Are you going to tell me why I am being led away in cuffs?”

Clint asks, has an idea already but he wants to know for certain. Rumlow is one of the agents leading him down the hallway and he is the one who answers.

“You are going to be questioned in a bit about the files stolen a few days ago, some classified files that were sent to the World Security council a few hours ago, the break in of his base, and the shooting of Director Fury.”

Those last words make Clint stop in his tracks and his arm is yanked harshly to get him to start moving again.

“He’s been shoot? What condition is he in?”

Clint needs to know and thankfully Rumlow tells him as they lead him into a small room, make him sit down at a small table.

“He is in critical, may not make it but they don’t know yet.”

That is all Rumlow will say about it but at least Clint knows about Fury right now. They leave him there, tell him that someone will be by shortly to speak with him. Clint is left alone with his thoughts, with the memories that are surfacing, and he knows that James and Natasha had something to do with all this, that they will come for him somehow and part of him wants to shoot them when they do but another part wants them to come for him, wanted to go with them earlier. When it happens, when they show again, those parts are going to be in conflict and he has no idea which will win.

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	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So have some angst on your Friday. Hopefully everyone enjoys.

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_“Do you ever think about who you were before the widow?”_

_Clint asks, his fingers in her hair and Natasha stills for just a moment before putting her book down and shifting to face him. It is just the two of them and she wonders what has brought up this thought, if it is going to lead down a dangerous path. She decides to give him an answer, a truth._

_“I used to but I haven’t for a long time.”_

_She has accepted the fact her past is gone, that even if she could remember everything, it wouldn’t matter, that she can’t go back, can’t change what she is._

_“Why did you stop?”_

_His voice is very curious and she thinks about the answer for just a moment. There are a few different answers she could give him, ones about how it was safer to not think about it, how by not dwelling on it the few memories that surface aren’t taken from her but she tells him the one that she feels is the real one._

_“I found the solider and he became my James. There was no reason to wonder about my past when I had something in the present.”_

_She and James have always needed each other, fought for each other, made each other their world. The fingers in her hair tighten just a bit and he doesn’t say anything but she knows that their hawk is thinking about his place with them, about whether they need him like they need each other. She leans into his touch, reassuring him without words that he is theirs._

_“Did you ever wonder who he was before the solider? Do you think he wonders who he was?”_

_Another question. He is full of them tonight and they are questions that she has thought about before but had pushed aside before they ever found him, claimed him. She had wondered who he was once, knows James had a life before her, before the soldier, one that was torn away from him, one that would sometimes surface before being pushed down again by the ones who broke him. She tells Clint an answer._

_“Not very often. All that really mattered was that he was mine, still is, just like you are. Do you wonder who we were?”_

_This gives her a nod from him. There is another question, one she has to ask though she fears the answer._

_“Do you wonder who you were before?”_

_Her voice is not as steady as usual and she is not playing a part right now, doesn’t mask anything from him in this moment._

_“Yes.”_

_It is a small truthful word and it makes a tiny bit of her worry. They don’t want him to think about his past, about who he was before they broke him, don’t want his old loyalties to surface. He didn’t choose them, didn’t decide to join them, they forced it, but he fits now, is content most days and Natasha knows that they won’t give him up now._

_His hand strokes her hair now, the touch gentle and he is looking at her, eyes watching her face intently. Those eyes see so much, see more than they should sometimes and she wonders what they are seeing now. He speaks after just a moment and his voice is steady and sure when he does._

_“I wonder but I don’t really care. I have you, both of you and I think that is more than I had before so that is all that matters.”_

_This makes her smile. He is their hawk, their Clint, and as his lips claim hers, she is sure that it will stay that way._

James meets up with her after only a few minutes, not long at all , and they do not talk yet, focus on making a clean break from here. He is covered in a bit of dust, dirt, but he does not look hurt. She wonders if Rogers is alive or if James finished him, she had not waited to see, had simply ran out. Escape had been a priority right then and they have achieved it now.

They find a safe place and settle down for a few moments. Now it is the time to ask about Rogers and so she does.

“Did you finish him?”

He shakes his head.

“Our hawk stopped me. He called me James, he is starting to remember.”

It is good that their Hawk is remembering them, it will make reclaiming him go easier and perhaps they will not have to break him again.

“He is, he will still be stubborn for a little while. I said enough to Rogers that he should have doubts about him now, may turn away from him.”

James gives her a nod but there is a troubled look on his face since she said the name Rogers.

“I need to find out more about Rogers, about the name he called me.”

He says this and there is a tiny feeling of dread in her stomach. This is perhaps something they should leave alone, whatever connection Rogers may have with James, but she knows he soldier and he needs to find out more. She has an idea of how they can find out more and so they get cleaned up and then they go to find some answers. She just hopes that they aren’t anything that will hurt James, hurt what they have together.

<><><><><> 

His shoulder still aches from the blade but it has been cleaned, bandaged, and will heal soon enough and there are so many more things that Steve has to worry about right now, such as Bucky apparently being alive and the Winter Soldier and whatever is happening with Clint right now. He is still in the room that they cleaned his wound at when an older man with red hair comes in, a tablet in his hands, and he comes over to Steve, introduces himself as Alexander Pierce.

“Director Fury is in critical condition, will not likely last the night. I need answers, Captain, and the surveillance feed has been knocked out for the last few hours so I need you to speak with me about what happened today.”

Steve is still shaken from everything, from seeing Bucky, but he answers the man’s questions. They talk about what happened earlier in the apartment, about his talk with the widow, about his fight with the soldier. There are a few details that Steve leaves out. He feels like there is something going on and he doesn’t like how Clint had been cuffed earlier and he asks about that now. Pierce answers him and hands him the tablet as he does so. Steve looks as he listens.

“Just before the attack on the base, some files were emailed to the World Security Council, these files had been buried by Fury and involve Agent Barton. It turns out that he was compromised years before the Loki incident, was involved with the Widow. We believe that he may have been involved with what happened earlier. An arrow was used to take out the surveillance system and he left his room during the attack. “

The widow’s words from before flash in Steve’s mind as he looks over the files, sees the things that Clint may have been involved with. She had also said that his enemies may be closer than he knew. Clint had called the soldier James, had his arrows, but he stopped Steve from being killed. He has no idea what is true, if Clint is involved with this, but he is going to find out somehow.

“I would like to speak with him, if it is possible. “

Steve tries to keep his tone neutral and Pierce tells him that it may be a possibility and he will let Steve know when he has decided if it would be a good idea or not. Pierce leaves and Steve knows that he will talk to Clint somehow, needs to find out all that he can, needs to find out what is going on. He feels like he has lost everything now and Steve isn’t sure how he is going to deal with this, with the fact that two of the people he has cared about the most may be connected and it may not be in a good way.

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The museum is crowded and James makes sure to keep his left hand in his pocket. Natasha is right beside him and they don’t draw that much attention. This seemed the simplest way to find out more as they wait to be able to go get their hawk.

They hadn’t bothered learning much about Rogers, just enough to see how much of a threat he is. He had their hawk and so James only saw him as an obstacle, no matter how familiar he seemed at times. Then the fight at the base happened, his mask fell off and Rogers had called him a name, Bucky, and now there is a nagging feeling inside of him, something that tells him he knew Rogers once.

James pauses at one of the exhibits, at the picture of Rogers before the serum. He stares at it for a while, can feel Natasha’s eyes on him. He has seen him like this before.   Natasha take his right hand after a moment, leads him away and that is when they find the display about Bucky Barnes and James freezes.

It is him, or at least looks like him, and there are pictures of him with Rogers. He grew up with Rogers, fought alongside him, fought against Hydra. If this is true, if he is Barnes, Rogers was his friend. The man in the photos looks happy alongside Rogers, he looks happy, and James is not sure what all of this means.

His eyes scan the information about Barnes, about him, and the draft date catches his eyes. There had been a letter once, one he carried in his pocket, didn’t let anyone see. The memory is strange and sudden and it is not whole and he just keeps staring at the pictures now. He knew him, knew Rogers, and he almost killed him today.

“James.”

The name is spoken softly and Natasha has tightened her grip on his hand. He turns and looks at her now, her face is calm but there is just a hint of worry in her eyes.  He looks at her, his dancer, his Natasha, and he focuses on her, tries to push the thought of blue eyes and blond hair out of his mind.

“I don’t remember him, know him. I know you, know our hawk. That is what matters. “

He whispers it to her, tries to make himself believe it as well. They leave the exhibit and blonde hair and blue eyes are still in his thoughts but it doesn’t matter. He is the soldier, only has his widow and his hawk, Rogers shouldn’t matter.

_It is raining as Bucky makes his way home. He is pelted by it, cloths already getting soaked and he is pretty sure the letter in his pocket is going to be a mess by the time he gets home. Bucky is ok with that, doesn’t want Steve to see it and it is the reason why he has just spent a large chunk of his day away from Steve and why there is alcohol on his breath._

_He’s been drafted, will have to leave Steve here and go across the world. When he got the letter, he didn’t tell Steve, wanted to see if there was some way he could stay. He left, went and talked to the recruitment office and nothing could be done. Bucky then found himself at a local bar and the server hadn’t said much as he got him his drinks, as Bucky held the letter and stared at it. It was when he finally put the letter away that the bartender asked Bucky if he was leaving someone behind. He had told him yes and was grateful when he didn’t ask for a name, instead simply getting him another drink. A few drinks later and now he is in the rain, walking home and trying to decide what he is going to tell Steve._

_Steve has been trying to enlist, trying to go over there because he is brave and stupid and so very much Steve and now Bucky is the one going. Bucky is going to war and Steve is going to be here, by himself, probably still getting into fights, standing up to bullies and Bucky won’t be here. Steve is going to get dragged into some ally by some thugs and he won’t be there to scare them away. Bucky will be somewhere else while Steve bleeds and Bucky might be bleeding as well and they won’t be together to wipe it off and he has pulled the letter out of his pocket as he walked and his hand has formed a fist around it. It is a crumpled, soggy thing now and he sticks it back in his pocket as he finds himself in front of their door._

_He stands there for a minute before he makes himself go in. He doesn’t say anything, just goes to a chair and plops down. Steve comes over, fusses over him, and Bucky lets him. He lets him help him out of his wet clothes and then into dry ones and he speaks as he does so._

_“You always take care of me. We take care of each other.”_

_Bucky means it, will miss this when he has to leave. He is back in his chair now and Steve has gotten him water and he takes a few sips, stares at Steve, his Steve._

_“If I had to go away for a bit, you would be ok, right? You would still take care of yourself even if I wasn’t here?”_

_Maybe if Steve can tell him it will be alright, Bucky can stop worrying about it so much. If Steve can tell him that he will be ok, Bucky can leave and not be filled with guilt. He can believe it will be alright if Steve can._

_Steve looks a bit confused but when he speaks, his words are sure and they don’t ease all the guilt but they make Bucky feel a little better._

_“I would be alright, I can take care of myself. What is this about, Bucky?”_

_Bucky drinks down his water before he answers, needs time to brace himself for what he is about to do. This will be the first time he will lie to Steve, the first time it will be a lie and not just leaving certain things unsaid._

_“ I have been thinking about what you have said, about the war, about what is happening, how they need men. You are right. “_

_Bucky’s voice is steady and this isn’t really a lie. What he says next is the lie._

_“I enlisted today.”_

_Steve is quiet and Bucky wonders if he is seeing through it, if he is going to yell but he doesn’t. Instead, he gives a little smile and then ask when Bucky gets his orders. Bucky tells him a few days. They talk for a little while and then they go to bed._

_Bucky can’t help himself and he reaches for Steve, kisses him, touches him._

_“Let me know if I hurt you.”_

_He never wants to hurt Steve, Steve is what he has and there is a feeling of reassurance when Steve tells him he won’t. Bucky believes it because Steve does. They spend the night kissing and touching and Bucky knows that he will think about this when he is gone, that he is going to miss Steve but he just has to hope that Steve will still be here when he gets back._

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	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a bit more. Enjoy.

<><><><><> 

_Clint starts staying with Steve most nights or sometimes Steve stays in his room. They are always careful to make sure that they are out of the other’s room before people are out and about, neither of them really wanting to deal with people asking questions. Even with that precaution, sleeping in the same bed is nice, helps them both sleep, keeps their nightmares at bay._

_Clint can never remember his nightmares, they are just as closed to him as most of his memories but he still has them. He wakes up feeling more lonely sometimes after them than angry or scared and that is strange but that is not happening as much now with Steve beside him. Steve for his part remembers his nightmares, mostly about the night Barnes fell off the train and about the ice, the water and he told Clint about both of those, wanted to prepare him in case one happened when they were together. Clint appreciated the thought even if it appears that Steve sleeps better when he is around._

_It is really late one night when Clint awakes, not from a nightmare but a dream, a nice one, one where he wasn’t alone. He tries to keep a hold of it, tries to remember it, something about red hair and a cool touch but it fades much too quickly. He lays there for a few minutes, tries to get back to sleep but even with Steve right beside him, it isn’t working so he gets up, is careful to not wake him as he gets out of bed._

_Steve doesn’t wake up and Clint is quiet as he walks around the room. He doesn’t really do much, just gets a drink of water and then uses the restroom. He is gone maybe fifth-teen minutes at the most but it is just long enough for Steve’s sleep to turn restless. Clint can hear little murmurs as he gets closer to the bed, can hear a name._

_“Bucky.”_

_Clint has a pretty clear idea of what Steve is dreaming about now with that name. He is tossing just a bit and Clint tries to be careful as he touches Steve’s shoulder, as he starts to jostle it so that he can get Steve awake. It takes a few shakes but soon Steve is opening his eyes and staring up at Clint in confusion._

_“Did I wake you up?’_

_This is the first thing Steve says as he sits up, as he gets more awake. Clint shakes his head._

_“No, I was already up. Want a glass of water?”_

_Steve gives him a nod and Clint goes and gets him some water. He is sitting at Clint’s small table when Clint brings and he takes it, gives a thank you._

_“You can talk about it, if you want. If it will help.”_

_Clint makes the offer and he isn’t sure if Steve will take him up on it. It is quiet for a moment and then Steve speaks._

_“It was about Bucky, the worst ones usually are.”_

_“The train again?”_

_He asks, gets a head shake of no and then Steve goes back to drinking his water. Steve is quiet again after that and Clint doesn’t want to push so instead of saying anything, he gets out some cards._

_“You want to go back to sleep or feel like playing a game for a bit?”_

_“Don’t think I can sleep right now, cards sound good.”_

_Clint shuffles the deck and they start to play war. They are quiet for a few moments, concentrating on the game but then Steve says something._

_“There was a time that I thought I had lost him, a time before the train. He had been captured, put in a work camp, assumed dead. I went there. I found him strapped to a table, they had been experimenting on him, but he was alive.”_

_Steve holds his cards in his hands for a moment, looks them over. Clint waits to see if he is going to say more or just go back to the game. Steve places a card down and then speaks some more._

_“ I dreamed about it tonight, everything was about the same as I remember, the room, the table but there was one difference. Bucky wasn’t moving, wasn’t talking, and his skin was cold. I got there too late. It felt real, felt like I failed him.”_

_His voice is soft and filled with pain. Clint looks at him, meets his eyes and then says something that he hopes will help._

_“ You got there, you didn’t fail him.”_

_Steve just gives a bit of a nod, goes back to playing the game. Clint knows that Steve is thinking about the train now, about the time he feels like he failed Bucky, but he won’t ask about that. Instead, Clint plays cards with him and when Steve leaves after a while, he gives him a kiss and Steve gives him as small smile in return before closing Clint’s door._

Clint is left alone for about two maybe three hours. There is no clock in this room so it is a bit hard to guess the exact amount of time and it is possible they may make him wait longer. He wants to know what they are going to ask him, what they suspect, and he knows that they are making him wait to make him more anxious, to make it so he may slip up when he speaks. Clint knows this and he tries to be patient as he waits, as he thinks about what is going on.

He looks down at his hands and there is still blood on them, Steve’s blood and his words are echoing in Clint’s head now. He hadn’t really paid attention to them at the time, had been focusing too much on the memories that were surfacing, on getting the bleeding under control but now there is a realization. Steve said it was Bucky and Clint only knows of one person named Bucky, Steve’s Bucky whose full name is James Buchan Barnes and Clint had heard him say hawk and knew his name, called him James. He tries to tell himself that Steve is mistaken, that the soldier just looks like Bucky, that it can’t be him. Bucky fell from the train before the soldier but his body was never found. If Steve is right, if the soldier is Bucky, then Clint knows that this is even messier than he thought.

Clint is still staring at his hands, still contemplating just what the hell is going on, when he hears the door open. He turns his eyes to it, watches as Pierce walks through the door. Clint has only met the man about twice before, knows how close he is to Fury. His appearance just confirms to Clint that he is in a shit ton of trouble.

He comes and sits down across from Clint, something in his hands that he sets down in front of Clint. Pierce doesn’t say anything, simply gestures to the tablet. Clint doesn’t pick it up but he looks down at it. It is some files, some SHIELD files and as he skims the first page, he can see it is about the time he had been missing and there is no doubt left now that he had been compromised.

“Those were sent out a little bit before the attack here. Is there anything you can tell me about that time?”

Clint’s throat feels very dry and he swallows as he thinks about what to say. Memories are returning but they are still fractured and not complete and nothing that will help him out of this situation. He shakes his head a bit.

“Still can’t really remember it.”

It is not a lie, not completely but Clint isn’t sure Pierce believes him. He asks Clint about tonight, about what happened at the apartment and what happened here. Clint goes over everything, about seeing the widow, the fight in the apartment, being locked in the room here, leaving the room and finding his arrows. Pierce listens but Clint is pretty sure that he is not leaving this room anytime soon.

“The World Security Council had wanted to bring you in after Loki, Fury convinced me not to let them have you but tonight changes things. Fury has always had a soft spot for you Barton, which might explain why he didn’t follow the protocols when it came to you being compromised, but it doesn’t change the fact that you were compromised, have been linked to the people who were here tonight and that Fury has been shot and Captain Rogers wounded.”

Pierce says all this after Clint’s explanations , takes the tablet back. Clint just looks straight at him.

“I would like to talk to Captain Rogers.”

He needs to talk to Steve, needs to see him. Before Pierce can say anything to this, the door opens and another agent comes in, gestures to Pierce. Pierce moves towards the other man and something is being said in hushed tones. Clint can’t hear it but he knows it isn’t good. It is just a few minutes and then Pierce is turning towards him and his face is grim when he looks at Clint, voice firm when he speaks.

“Nick Fury has just been declared dead. You are officially under arrest and will be moved to a more secure location soon.”

Fury is dead, the man who gave Clint his second chance is dead and he is being arrested for it. Anger and grief rise in him at the same time and he is screaming.

“I had nothing to do with Fury being shot, this is a set up.”

Nothing is said to this and they both leave the room, shut it behind them. Clint is left completely alone again and he makes a choice, he is not going to let them lock him up again, he is going to get out of here, find out his own answers.

<><><><><> 

_About five days after New York Steve wakes up to find that Clint isn’t in bed with him. There is just a moment of worry but Steve pushes it aside and gets up, walks out of the bedroom. He finds Clint in the living room, sitting on the couch, shoulders slumped a bit and he has his eyes closed, seems to be thinking about something. Steve goes and sits next to him, puts a hand on his shoulder and Clint turns to him, opens his eyes and they are a bit red._

_“Coulson’s funeral is today.”_

_Clint says this simply but the words are full of pain._

_“I will go with you.”_

_Steve offers but Clint shakes his head._

_“I’m not going, can’t go. It is part of a memorial, a joint service for all those who were lost when the hellicarrier came down. It wouldn’t be a good idea for me to be there.”_

_There is so much guilt in his voice and Steve knows that it is going to take a long time for it to pass, if it ever does. For now, all Steve can do is try to soothe him._

_“That wasn’t your fault, you’re not a killer, Clint.”_

_Clint lets out a little laugh but there is no humor in it, sounds almost more like a sob._

_“That’s the thing, Cap, I am. I killed the first time when I was seventeen, I remember it now, hadn’t enjoyed it but it helped make me useful. My hands were stained in blood when Fury found me, SHIELD just gave me more acceptable targets. . Loki didn’t change that, just gave me different targets for a little while.”_

_Steve had known this already, had seen Clint’s file and talked to him about it but it is still a little jarring to hear him talk about it, to hear the slight hint of disdain in his voice directed to himself. Clint has tensed up just a bit, like he is waiting for Steve to move his hand away now after he has said those words. He doesn’t move his hand, in fact his grip gets a little tighter._

_“Clint, you’ve killed but that doesn’t make you a killer. You’re not a cruel man, you don’t kill because you want to, you killed because you had to. ”_

_It is a very big difference. Clint can’t change his past but Steve knows him now, knows he is a good man. Steve has taken lives before, it is never an easy thing and he understands that, hopes that Clint does as well and that the guilt from what happened with Loki doesn’t destroy him. Clint gives another shrug and he doesn’t say anything. He leans into Steve’s touch just a little more though and Steve scoots closer to him, wraps his arms around him. They stay like that for a little while, quiet and touching till Steve asks Clint if he would like some breakfast and then they get up, spends the day inside with each other._

Steve gets the news that Fury is dead at the same time that he is told that he will not be allowed to speak to Clint, that he is going to be moved within the hour. He is told this by some agent, Pierce apparently already leaving to take care of some other things and Steve is told he can go home now. He gives a nod, just enough reassurance that he is going to leave the base soon, and he is left alone after that. He leaves the room he is in but he does not go to the exit, instead going further into the base. He walks the hallways and tries not to draw too much attention to himself. There is something that just isn’t quite feeling right since everything has happened and he doesn’t feel right not finding out Clint’s side of the story and if Pierce isn’t going to give him the chance to speak to Clint, Steve will make his own.

He walks quickly, tries to think of where they would take Clint. The only place that makes sense to him is the hallway where they had the widow, the integration rooms. Steve makes his way there, his thoughts still a bit of a jumbled mess. His shoulder and side still hurt and it makes him think about the soldier, about Bucky, about the widow and what they have to do with Clint. He tries to push the thought aside as he nears the room, grips his shield a little tighter and he can hear some noise coming out of it and Steve doesn’t think at that point, enters the room quickly to find Clint fighting with the agents that came to take him.

There should probably be more thought behind what Steve does next, a little more thought into the possibility that helping Clint isn’t the right thing to do but there isn’t. This moment it is a choice between SHIELD and Clint and Steve chooses Clint, stops the agent that has a sedative in their hands. It is a fight now but it doesn’t take long for Steve to be able to get the key to Clint so his cuffs come off and then soon enough, it is only the two of them still standing up.

Clint turns to Steve as soon as they are the only ones still awake and he looks pretty shaken up about things. There is so much Steve wants to ask but Clint stops him with his next words.

“Steve, there is a lot going on and I will try to explain but I can’t do it here. We need to get out of here.”

Steve gives him a nod and they head out and Steve can only hope he isn’t making a mistake by walking out of here with Clint.

<><><><><> 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part gave me fits but I hope everybody enjoys it.

<><><><><> 

_Natasha dreams sometimes, things that feel like a life lived long ago. She is young in the dreams that are sweet, young and there is still red in her hair but not on her hands. She dances in these dreams, movements graceful but not in the same way that they are when she is awake and she laughs, giggles, makes sounds that aren’t practiced. There are people in these dreams sometimes, people who are kind to her, who speak softly to her, who loved her. She can never remember their faces or their names when she wakes up, but she always remembers that they are gone. Everything from her dreams is gone but that doesn’t stop her from dreaming, from those little shards of memory to play in her head while she sleeps._

_She wakes from a dream now and there is still an echo of voices in her head, a name that does not belong to her, and there is still that sense of loss that she always has after one of these dreams. It is pushed aside as her eyes blink open more, as she sits up in the dark, trying to figure out what roused her. The dream fades and the figure lying next to her in bed is shifting in his sleep, words being mumbled and it takes Natasha a moment to recognize that it is a name, that James is whispering Steve in his sleep. He is having his own dream now, long forgotten faces plaguing him just as they do her and Natasha watches him for a moment, debating over whether to wake him or not._

_It takes just one more moment of watching him toss and she moves closer to him, places her hand on his non metal arm. The touch is light, just a gentle wrapping of her fingers around his forearm, but it is enough to wake him. He startles awake, his metal hand coming to rest against her throat. It is not too tight a hold, so Natasha simply stares at him, keeps herself calm. It is the soldier who is staring at her, his training kicking in right now and this is nothing that has not happened before so she takes a breath before speaking._

_“James.”_

_It is all she has to say, that name and the hold loosens and the mask of the soldier fades just a bit, her James coming to the surface. His hand leaves her throat now._

_“Natasha.”_

_There is a hint of concern in his voice, an unspoken question in that one word about whether he hurt her in his confusion. She gives him a smile then a kiss as reassurance before speaking again._

_“You were dreaming. Do you remember about what?”_

_A part of her want to know about that name he was muttering, wants to know if there is a part of his past that he remembers. She is not sure whether to feel disappointed or relieved when he shakes his head._

_“I never remember.”_

_There is a sadness to his words, one she understands but there is nothing either of them can do about it. Their pasts are gone but they have each other. That is enough and she gives him another kiss and James returns it and they do not linger on their dreams as they claim each other again._

They had been given very little information about Rogers from before he was found in the ice, from before the serum, and now Natasha knows why. They didn’t want James to know about Rogers, about the man who he had been once. They hadn’t wanted James to know but now he does and Natasha worries about what it means, how once being Bucky Barnes is going to affect her soldier, her James.

He has been quiet since they left the museum, since they made their way back here. She is wondering if he is trying to remember, if something about the photos has sparked some long forgotten memory. He had reassured her before they left that Rogers doesn’t matter but she isn’t sure if that is the truth. They should talk about it, should figure out if it changes anything but there is a call for the soldier before they can and he takes it.

He is in the other room right now, Natasha looking over what they have at this location as he takes the call. She can hear little bits of his side of the conversation, enough to know that his mask of the soldier is firmly in place, that he is hiding what he has learned. It is a tactic that she approves of. If they think their soldier is remembering more that he should, they may try to wipe him again and there is no guarantee that they will not try to take more than they should.

“There’s been a complication.”

His conversation is over and now James has come back to where she is, stands in front of her.

“Did Fury survive?”

It is the first complication that she can think of, one that would have James called again. There is a shake of his head.

“No, Fury has died. The complication is Clint. He escaped SHIELD custody, they do not know where he has gone. “

“We will find him.”

Natasha has no doubt about that but she knows that there is more to it than that.

“He had help.”

James says this simply and Natasha knows exactly who he is talking about. It appears that her little hints were not taken.

“Rogers.”

She says this simply and there is a bit of a nod from James and then a few words.

“He doesn’t give up on things, is stubborn.”

This is said with a certainty and Natasha moves closer to James now, is looking at him closely.

“Are you remembering him?”

It is a simple question but from the look on James’ face, Natasha knows that the answer isn’t. There is a moment of silence, a few breaths taken as James thinks on his answer.

“I don’t know. There are little hints of things now and he always seemed familiar, but I’m not him, not that name he called me. “

She takes his hand at this, wants to ask him if he thinks that the man he was once before is going to surface but she can’t bring herself to ask. Instead, she says something else.

“No, you’re not.”

She says it just as much for herself as for James but it seems to be enough reassurance for now. He gives her a kiss, whispers a promise against her lips now.

“I’m yours and Clint is ours. We will get our hawk back, he isn’t Rogers’. “

She nods at his promise, at his reassurance and also tells herself that James doesn’t belong to Rogers either even if he might have once. She only has her boys and she will make sure that they stay hers.

<><><><><> 

They managed to get out of the base in one piece, Steve’s shield and his bow and arrows with them, and they managed not to have to kill anyone. They had been able to exchange a few words as they fled, both of them knowing about Fury, about Clint looking like he had something to do with it, but that had been all they had been able to exchange, fleeing more important than figuring out stuff right away. There was still the matter of where to go, of what places they could hide and that was how Clint finds himself finally meeting Sam Wilson, standing next to Steve as the door opens and the guy gives Clint’s bow and arrows a strange look.

“Sorry about this. We need somewhere to lay low for a little bit. I don’t know a lot of people around here.”

There is a lot of sincerity in Steve’s voice and Sam just gives Clint one more look over before telling them to get inside. The door is shut behind them quickly and then Sam is extending a hand to Clint. He returns the shake, a little awkwardly but the guy is letting him into his apartment without any fuss, Clint isn’t going to be rude.

“We haven’t met yet, Sam Wilson. You work with him, I’m guessing?”

“Something like that.”

Clint isn’t sure what to say exactly, how much Steve wants Sam to know. It seems like enough of answer for now and Sam is showing them to a room with a bath room attached, tells them there is a first aid kit if they need it and that they can tell him what is going on after a bit. He walks away and it is just Steve and Clint now, just the two of them and everything that has happened tonight.

“I fought someone I thought dead tonight, someone I saw fall off a train. He had no idea who I was but he smiled when you called him James and the widow said you are hers and there are files that say you were compromised. We are on the run from SHIELD now, Fury’s dead, and I need you to tell me what is going on.”

Steve’s voice isn’t angry, more tired than anything else and Clint understands the feeling. Everything is so screwed up and it all has to do with Clint and he isn’t sure if anything he is going to say is going to help make all of this make sense. Clint at least owes it to Steve to try to explain.   He sits down next to Steve on the small bed turns so that they are looking at each other as he speaks.

“ I don’t know about James, if he is your Bucky, I still don’t remember everything but I know enough now to know that I was with them the years I was missing. I know that they set me up tonight, made it so that SHIELD would think I had something to do with what happened to Fury. They are going to look for me.”

It is a truth and Steve is just looking at him, something closed off about his expression. Clint isn’t sure how much he should say, what is going to possibly drive Steve away from him, but he needs to tell some one about all the mixed up feelings in him right now and Steve is the only person he has.

“I wanted to leave the base with them, a part of me wanted to follow them. I don’t know how much of that is genuine and how much is something that they did to me, but I couldn’t hurt them tonight and I had chances and a part of me wants them to find me.”

“What stopped you from going with them?”

The question comes and there is a pause and Clint has to look away for just a moment. He looks back at him when he answers, looks into his eyes and hopes that Steve can tell how truthful he is being right now.

“You were hurt and I couldn’t let them kill you. You’ve been the only steady thing for me these last few months and I know that I asked a lot when I asked you to run with me tonight. If you need to walk away now, I won’t stop you.”

He is giving Steve this option, a chance to go back to SHIELD. There is a shake of Steve’s head and then he is grabbing Clint’s hand, the grip just a bit tight.

“I’m not walking away from you. There were things said to me tonight, things that I’m pretty sure were meant to make me walk away from you and I can’t do that.”

Steve is still staring at Clint and his expression is a little more readable now, a tiny bit of pain but determined all the same.

“I was almost killed tonight, almost killed by Bucky but you stopped him. I need to know why, need to know what was done to him, what happened to you and what the widow has planned. I can’t walk away from this anymore than you can. Something isn’t right about what is going on, but I’m not giving up on you.”

Steve leans forward as he finishes speaking and it takes only a moment and then his lips are claiming Clint’s. It is a desperate kiss in a lot of ways and Clint can’t help but return it. He needs this right now, needs to know he still has Steve even now that he is unsure about anything else. They are caught up in it, so caught up in it that it isn’t until they hear another voice that they tear apart.

“I have some food, if you guys want some but I think I might have interrupted something right now so I’ll just be in the kitchen.”

It is Sam’s voice and Clint looks to the doorway, sees him standing there with just a hint of an embarrassed smile before he leaves. There is a hint of a blush on Steve’s face at being caught and it makes the moment a little less heavy than it was before. Clint gives a bit of shrug before getting up off the bed.

“Food now, go over everything after?”

He holds his hand out to Steve as he asks and Steve gives a bit of a nod and takes his hand and Clint hopes that they can get some things figured out soon.

<><><><><> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a bit more. Thank you so much for sticking with this story.

<><><><><> 

_“Hey, leave him alone.”_

_Bucky shouts the words, not quite sure why he is doing it but from what he can see there is no reason for this boy to be held down and punched. The boys turn towards him and the one they are holding tries to get out of their hold, jams his shoulder into one of them. It doesn’t do him much good, gets him shoved to the ground and that is when Bucky charges, throws enough hits that they scatter and it is just him and the boy on the ground now._

_“You all right?”_

_He asks the boy, holds a hand out. Bucky gets a good look at him as he pulls himself up, sees blonde hair, almost yellow, and blue eyes, probably the bluest he has ever seen. The boy is small, smaller than Bucky and he is very skinny, almost looks sickly. He tells Bucky that he is ok though Bucky isn’t quite convinced of that._

_“You should have ran away. They wouldn’t have hit you if you could out run them.”_

_Bucky says this, wonders why the boy allowed himself to get caught in the first place. He might be a little slow or something. The boy shakes his head and then speaks again._

_“Running doesn’t fix it and I can’t run very fast anyways. “_

_Bucky nods his head, believes at least the running fast part and decides that the other kid isn’t slow just a little too stubborn maybe, a little too brave. The boys offers a hand and Bucky takes it, shakes it slowly._

_“Thanks for stopping. I’m Steve Rogers by the way.”_

_He is polite and Bucky lets go of his hand after a moment, gives a name and asks a question._

_“Bucky Barnes, you have somewhere to go?”_

_“Heading home.”_

_With that, Steve starts to head out of the alley but Bucky doesn’t quite feel right about letting him just walk by himself so he follows._

_“I will be ok, you don’t have to follow me home. “_

_“Don’t have anything else to do.”_

_This is what Bucky tells him and it seems to be enough for Steve and so he lets Bucky walk beside him and they talk. Steve is around his age and he is nice, seems to like talking to Bucky. Bucky decides to look for him the next day and he finds him, keeps some of the older boys away. It isn’t hard to like Steve, he is brave and kind and Bucky likes having someone other than his sisters. Steve is special, Bucky decides this quickly enough, and he needs someone to look after him sometimes, someone to protect him and Bucky makes a promise that as long as he is around, Steve will always have that someone._

Blonde hair and blue eyes still swim in his head, faded memories of soft touches and teases, of something long lost but James pushes them aside, buries the thoughts deep in his head as he focuses on the task now, on getting his arm looked over. It is standard procedure, something that he and Natasha can not do on their own, are not allowed to keep the needed tools. It is something they could secure on their own but it is a defiance they have not risked yet. James knows that they make him come back after each fight for the arm to be looked over so that he can be looked over, so it can be determined that he is still Hydra’s, that there is nothing surfacing that could cost them their asset. He knows this and he cannot risk a wipe, will not risk his memories of his widow and his hawk to be tampered with, and so he keeps his face blank, pushes the soldier to the front so that James can stay.

There are footsteps coming as the techs work on his arm, as the little damage that was done to it is repaired. The soldier does not look in the direction of the footsteps, waits to be acknowledged before speaking. The footsteps stop right next to him and then there is a voice speaking and James is not surprised that he has come even after debriefing over the phone.

“Is there anything that was left out of your initial report?”

It is phased like a question but the soldier knows that it is a command, that he is supposed to answer. He looks up at Pierce and he is the soldier as he answers, keeps his voice steady as he answers, keeps his face blank.

“No, sir. The mission was completed, Rogers engaged and we made our retreat. Every track has been covered. “

The soldier puts no emotion in Rogers’ name and he had seen Pierce watching him closely, looking for a sign of recognition. There is none. The soldier was not taught to play a part but the widow had been and she has taught James and now the soldier is a mask he wears and it is firmly in place and Pierce gives a nod at his words and continues speaking.

“As you know, Rogers fled with Barton. SHIELD will be pursing both of them, Rumlow’s team in charge and your connection to us can not be hinted at. If you want Barton, you need to recover him quickly. If he can’t be made yours again, he will be a liability.”

There is a threat in his words and James wants to wrap his metal fingers around Pierce’s throat for even the idea of a hint of harm coming to something that is his but the soldier simply gives an answer, keeps his voice and face impassive.

“It won’t come to that. He is ours.”

This is still a bit of warning but it is not enough to cause concern. The soldier has been allowed the widow and the hawk, they are his reward for not fighting, for obeying and so there is nothing wrong with him being possessive over them.

“See that it doesn’t. Barton is useful.”

The soldier says nothing to this and Pierce is quiet for a few moments as the arm finishes getting fixed. James wants to ask about what the order is for Steve, for Rogers, but he doesn’t. It will give too much away, any sign of concern, of curiosity so he simply waits for the arm to be finished and ask a slightly different question, one that will still give him his answer.

“Are there any other objectives? What are the requirements for the mission?”

Pierce is silent for a moment long, looks like he is thinking about what exactly he wants. The arm is fixed and the soldier tests it, flexes his fingers, stretches it out.

“Main objective is reacquiring Barton, making sure no one knows exactly what happened to Fury and keeping project insight needed.”

The soldier only knows the basics of Pierce’s big plan, only knows what he needs at the time and he nods. He doesn’t care if it succeeds or not, doesn’t care about anything other than his widow and his hawk, but he still wants to see what will be said about Rogers, waits with anticipation.

“ As far as Rogers, he fled with Barton, is being pursed as well. I would like to still have use of him but if he refuses to give up on Barton then he may have to be taken care of. See that he turns against Barton and comes back to SHIELD if it is possible.”

It is not a kill order, not yet, and that causes a bit of relief that the soldier tries not to dwell on. Rogers is nothing to him now, even with the knowledge that once he may have been. When he is dismissed, when he starts to make his way back to Natasha, he tries not to think about Rogers, about blond hair and blue eyes, about promises made once. He isn’t Bucky Barnes, can’t be Bucky, not anymore, and he can push aside Rogers if it means he can keep what he has now.

_He has been with them for years now, put in somewhere cold and made to sleep, has been taken out and told to kill. They look over his arm, poke and prod him, put him in a chair that makes pain shoot through his body. They call him soldier, asset, nothing that sounds like a real name and he has started to lose the names he had, the memories. He is their weapon, he does as he is told, but there is something in the back of his mind, something that tell him that he once was something else, had something else. There is a picture in his head sometimes, a kind smile, blond hair, blue eyes, and though he knows he isn’t supposed to leave, he still tries sometimes, wants to find that missing piece. They always bring him back._

_He had tried to run today, wanted to find what he knows is waiting for him, find him. He was caught, he is always caught, and as strong and fast as he is, as dangerous as they made him, they outnumber him and they get him to the chair, strap him down. They don’t start the chair yet, instead a small man with glasses come into the room, has a folder with him. He is calm as he comes forward, isn’t scared of the soldier of the damage that could be done with him. The soldier runs but he rarely attacks anymore, knows that it isn’t allowed._

_“You keep running. Do you believe that there is something out there for you?”_

_He knows this man, knows his voice, and he knows that he is expected to answer and so he gives a yes. The man, Zola, opens the folder now, pulls out a picture. He gestures to one of the techs and then his hands are free, though there are still guns trained on him. He takes the photo when it is handed to him._

_“Is this who, what, you try to run to?”_

_He looks at the photo as the question is asked, sees the face of a man with blonde hair and blue eyes. He knows that face, knows that this is who he wants to go back to. He clutches the picture tightly, doesn’t want to let it go and he doesn’t answer the question, just stares at the familiar face and tries to make a name come to him mind. The name doesn’t come and he is slapped so that he is forced to look away from the picture._

_“You answer when you are asked a question. Is this who, what, you try to run to?””_

_Zola’s voice is calm but there is a command there and he is expected to answer, so he does, says yes and goes back to looking at the picture. He still doesn’t have a name yet but he remembers a promise, till the end of the line, and that is why he tries to run. He is trying to keep his promise._

_“Ah, I should have seen this earlier, thought about your attachment a little more. There is no reason for you to run anymore soldier, he will not be waiting for you.”_

_He clutches the picture tighter, doesn’t want to let go of it, to let go of him. Zola hands him something else now and he will not let go of the photo till he is commanded to, till it is pulled out of his hands and the newspaper clipping given instead. There is a photo of the man again, different body but the same eyes and there is a name above the picture. Steve Rogers is who he has been looking for and when he looks at the clipping, his heart breaks and something inside of him is shattering._

_Steve is dead, sacrificed himself, fell somewhere and hasn’t been found. Steve isn’t waiting for him, is gone, and the soldier hates it. Zola is still speaking and the soldier just stares at the paper, at the news that Steve is gone._

_“He has been gone for years now, will not be returning. There is nothing left for you, nothing but your purpose. There is nothing left to fight for.”_

_Zola reaches for the clipping and he lets it be taken more easily than he had the photograph. Steve is gone, there isn’t any reason to try to leave now. He leans back into the chair now, lets them strap his arms down. He lets them put the mouth guard in, lets them get the machine ready. The last thought he has before the pain starts is that there is nothing to run to anymore, nothing left but this._

_There is still a ghost of blonde hair and blue eyes for years after that, but there is also the memory that it is gone,that he is gone. Then there comes red hair and green eyes and there is once again something to fight for, to keep, and he is allowed it and the blond hair and blue eyes stay hidden in memory for a while. They resurface with the hawk for a moment, with his dark blonde hair, green blue eyes. They aren’t the right shade, the eyes not blue enough, the hair too dark, but it is just enough to stir that feeling of loss again but he still has her, red hair, green eyes, and they make the hawk theirs and he is as content as he can be._

<><><><><> 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.

<><><><><> 

_It is Peggy who tells Steve about SHIELD’s memorial wall, about a particular name that is there. It is during their second visit, in the moments when she is very lucid and they talk about the war, about what was lost during it. For her, it had been years ago but for Steve it was still only months, still so fresh in his mind that sometimes he wakes up from dreams of it, only Clint next to him being enough to remind him of where, when he is.   So many years gone, years Steve can never get back, years that he was thought a ghost, and Peggy speaks to him about it now, tells him of SHIELD and everything that went into it after the war was done._

_“We didn’t want to forget what had happened, wanted a way to remember, to honor the losses, the sacrifices. It has grown over the years, larger than we would have liked, but there were two names that were put on there first, although yours will have to be removed now. I made sure his was right beside yours, it seemed fitting.”_

_She doesn’t say the name, doesn’t have to, and Steve understands, tells her thank you. He thinks about the wall for a while but he doesn’t visit it right away, waits till things settle down just a bit. It is about two weeks after the battle of New York when he decides to go see it, about a week and a half after he was first told about it. He goes alone, knows that Clint would have come with him if he asked but this feels like something he needs to do on his own and Clint is still not comfortable being in the heart of SHIELD right now. He manages to go there when not many people are around and he finds the name quickly, traces his finger over the stone, feels the indention of the letters just as he had with his mother’s stone after her funeral so many years ago._

_Bucky didn’t have a funeral. There hadn’t been time and Steve had planned to have one, to make him a grave even if it would have been empty after Hydra was gone but that didn’t happen. His body was never found and as far as Steve knows, there is no grave, no official memorial or tomb for Bucky other than this wall. It is a tribute but Steve still wishes he would have been able to give Bucky a proper burial. The past can’t be changed now and Steve stays at the wall, at Bucky’s name for a while._

_There are other names as well and he looks at the ones he knows. His eyes keep going to Bucky’s, his death still so fresh, still so painful for him to think about. Steve hadn’t been there for the others, the ones who passed gently after full lives or those whose lives were cut short in tragedy like Howard but he had been there for Bucky’s. He mourns for the others, there is no doubt about that, but Bucky’s death sticks with him, is one he can’t quite move on from. It might be that none of the others died right near him, for him, or it may just be the fact that it is Bucky and Steve had always thought he would have Bucky for longer than he did._

_He isn’t sure how long he stays at the wall but when he leaves he traces his name one more time. He heads home and Bucky is still in his thoughts, the pain from his loss still there. Steve thinks it is always going to be there, the guilt and the loss but maybe with time it will lessen, become a little less heavy. It already has a bit, became an ache instead of a sharp throb. Steve is pretty sure a lot of that is because of Clint, because he has something in this time, and when he gets back home, Clint is waiting for him and that helps make the ache just a little less._

“You know when I woke up this morning, I didn’t expect to have Captain America shirtless in my living room. It is a good thing I have blinds or there would be a few pepping toms.”

Sam is saying this as he helps Steve with his bandaged shoulder, Clint in the shower right now. Steve gives just a little smile at the comment but doesn’t say much, his mind still a little occupied with everything that has happened and Sam doesn’t seem to expect him to talk too much, just goes back to taking the bandage off and checking it.

Steve lets Sam look over the wound on his shoulder and then the one on his side. Steve is a bit sore from everything, a little bit in pain, but it easing off now that he can rest, now that there is food in his system and they have told Sam a little bit about what is going on. Physically, he should be fine in a few days but Steve knows that it is going to take more than a few days for him to be fine in any other way. Bucky is alive and doesn’t remember him, is part of the six years that Clint is just now starting to remember. So much of his world has been shaken now and Steve thought he felt lost when he woke up in another time all those months ago.

“Alright, everything is bandaged up again. “

Sam’s words draw Steve out of his thoughts and he turns and helps him put stuff back into the first aid kit.

“Thanks for this, for letting us in.”

Sam gives a nod, puts the stuff away.

“Hey it isn’t everyday two avengers show up at my door. Besides, from the sound of it, you both have had a pretty rough time of it lately. You guys can lay low here as long as you need or until someone charges through my door.”

Steve really hopes it doesn’t come to that. Sam leaves the room for a few minutes and when he comes back, he hands a file to Steve.

“What’s this?”

“Consider it a resume. From what you guys have said, you may need a little more help than just a place to crash.”

Steve opens up the file, sees pictures of Sam, some official documents and pictures of what looks like wings. He raises a bit of a brow at that.

“Thought you said you flew planes?”

Sam gives him just a bit of a smile.

“Just said that I flew. I know where the last set is, if we need them.”

Steve is pretty sure that they could get them if they need to but he isn’t sure about involving Sam more than he has to.

“I appreciate the offer but I’m not sure what is going to happen yet and this doesn’t have to be your fight.”

Sam shakes his head a bit.

“Captain America showed up at my door and I’m going to help him out. Besides, I have a feeling that there is a lot more going on than you have let on, something that makes this a little more personal for both of you. It might be good to have a more neutral party to watch your backs.”

They had just told him about SHIELD, hadn’t talked about the widow, about Bucky to him yet.Steve thinks that they may have to, that Sam may end up involved with this no matter what so he gives a bit of a nod, tells him that they need to talk to Clint and then they can figure out what is going to happen.

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_His head feels a bit groggy and it takes Clint a few minutes to wake up, to open his eyes. He is in a bed, can feel iv’s connected to his arm and it takes him a moment to focus, to know he isn’t alone. Natasha is on the bed with him, James in a chair near by._

_“How long was I out?”_

_He asks and Natasha turns to him, places a kiss on his forehead._

_“Long enough. You lost a fair amount of blood but it’s been replaced and you have been patched up.”_

_She tells him this and he looks down, notices the bandaging on his side. He remembers the mission going a little wrong, taking a knife to his side. He knows that the mission was completed, remembers that the target had already been taken out and the man who stabbed him was just there, a body guard that they didn’t keep good enough track of. He doesn’t remember much after moving away from the man, after putting pressure on the wound._

_“The one who touched you was taken care of.”_

_James has stood now, comes to the bed at those words. He is looking over Clint closely, touches the bandage for a brief moment._

_“How do you feel?”_

_James asks, has moved his fingers off of Clint._

_“Not too bad, there isn’t much pain and I would like to get these things out of my arm.”_

_It is the truth, the wound barely hurts. He must be on some pain killers. Natasha stops his hand as it goes to take out one of the ivs. She shakes her head at him._

_“Not yet. When it is time to change it, then we will unhook it. You lost a lot of blood, this is needed. We almost lost you.”_

_There is something very honest about her voice right now and Clint lets her move his hand away from the iv._

_“It will take more than that for you to lose me.”_

_His words are a promise and it make Natasha give him a smile and James sits down next to them now._

_“Yes, it will.”_

_James says this and there is something certain about his words and his fingers work their way back to the bandage. They rest there for the next few moments and Clint doesn’t mind._

_They stay with him, make sure he is comfortable, that he eats a small meal. The iv bags run out during that time and they remove them just as Natasha said they would. They change his bandages that night before they go to sleep, all three laying together, care taken to make sure Clint’s wound isn’t touched._

_They leave after only a few days. Clint’s wound heals within the next two weeks, perhaps much sooner than it should, and it looks like it will scar. Clint isn’t too bothered by it, especially not when James takes to running the cool metal of his fingers against it and Natasha kisses it. It is just proof that he didn’t have to leave them, that he is staying right where he wants to be, with them._

The water is warm and Clint lets it run over him as he thinks, as various memories and thoughts come to the surface. There is still a lot that needs to be figured out and there is no idea about how much time they have before they are found but Clint takes these few minutes to shower, to try to make himself a little less tense. He tilts his head down as he lets the water run over his hair and he opens his eyes for a moment and he can see the scar on his side. He is starting to remember how he got it, knows that it came from his time with them, and he looks at it even more closely when he gets out of the shower.

It is a long slash, a knife mark, and he can remember them touching it after the bandages came off for good. They had touched him a lot, he is remembering that, and he had returned the touches in turn. It would be so much simpler if he thought that they had just used him when he was with them, but the memories that are coming to the surface tells him that they cared for him, that he cared for them. The feelings are resurfacing just as the memories are and he feels torn between these past feelings he isn’t quite sure of and his current feelings for Steve.

Clint tries to push his thoughts away, gets dressed. There is a lot they need to figure out and as he looks around the bedroom, he sees his bows and arrows by the door where he put them and there is a thought that flashes through his head and he gets them quickly. He puts them on the bed, looks over his bow, and then starts to pull his arrows out of his quiver. The soldier had brought them there, had laid them somewhere that Clint would find them, and there had been a reason for that. The arrows are out of his quiver now but there is still something in in it, he can feel the weight of it, and he grabs the object and pulls it out.

It is a flash drive, a small one and Clint wants to see what is on it. There is a computer nearby, one Sam said they could use if the they needed to and so Clint does now, wants to see what they left him before he shows Steve. They may have a way to track it but he will be quick, will be careful and he boots up the drive quickly, finds out that there isn’t much on it, just one small file. He assumes it must be a copy of one of the ones stolen from before and he clicks on it, finds a video and starts it.

It isn’t very long, only about five minutes of footage, but the first few seconds of it makes Clint nervous. It is him, strapped to a chair and he watches as Coulson comes to him, as he speaks to Clint, as he asks him what he remembers. Fury comes in after a minute or two and it is clear that this is from after he had been with the widow and the soldier, that Fury and Coulson both knew what happened. The video stops playing after a few more questions, after it is made clear that Clint isn’t going to answer the questions. There is a feeling of fear in Clint’s stomach now and he needs to show this to Steve, needs to find the rest of the files. She had said that they would show him the truth and Clint is pretty sure that he isn’t going to be happy with what it is that they want to show him.

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	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but I hope to be able to update again soon. Sorry it took a little while, I'm trying to get a few things sorted out in story and it isn't a very exciting chapter but there should be more excitement in the story soon. Thankyou so much for reading and commenting and if anyone ever wants to chat about this or any of my other stories,you can message me on my tumblr. http://denna5.tumblr.com/

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_He had not be gone long at all but Natasha is glad to have her soldier back, had taken the knife from him with a smile and a kiss and had watched as Clint opened the arrows. There had been a nod of James’ head after the gifts had been opened and Natasha knew that meant there was news he had wanted to give her and she followed him when he left the room._

_“Rumlow knows about him now, saw me get the arrows. They worked together once, back before.”_

_James says this to her when they are in the kitchen, away from their hawk who is still fiddling with the arrows James just gave him. His words are spoken softly so that they cannot be overheard. This is something that they can not let their Hawk hear, must keep from him and Natasha knows that she needs to tell James of the conversation from a few days ago, of their hawk’s questions but she waits, let him finish telling her about this._

_“ He requested I bring him along sometime, requested not ordered. I will not bring him yet but there may come time when he will have to interact with some of the others, we will have to keep that in mind.”_

_It is something that has always been in the back of both of their minds, the fact that eventually their handlers will want Clint on more missions, exposed to others that are not them. They will keep him from it as long as they can, keep him from his past, they will not lose him now that he is theirs._

_“Was there any sign of SHIELD while I was gone? Any complications?”_

_He asks once he is done telling her of Rumlow and now is the time to speak about what Clint told her. She stands close to James, keeps her voice soft just as he had._

_“No sign of SHIELD but our hawk did ask me a few questions, about who we were before, if we ever wondered about it. I told him the truth and then asked if he wondered about it, if he wondered who he was before this.”_

_James has turned to her, a flicker of worry across his face for just a moment, the same one she had had when Clint had spoken of this to her._

_“What did he say? Does he remember something?”_

_She knows what he is really asking, if they will have to break him again even though he had taken the arrows with a smile, had thanked him with a kiss. She puts her hand around his arm, a touch to reassure him as she speaks._

_“He doesn’t seem to remember anything. He says that he wonders but that it doesn’t matter, that he has us and that is what matters.”_

_This seems to reassure James just as it had her and he gives her a kiss._

_“He is happy here, with us. This was the right call.”_

_His words are simple and she agrees with him, gives him a kiss of her own and then they make their way back to their hawk._

Natasha is alone right now, is searching for any information about where their hawk has gone, anything that could be useful. She finds something, not about their hawk but about something else, about the attack on Fury being known, about her and James being here. It is just enough for her to see that company is coming, that the one who has been after them since SHIELD took Clint back is here. If everything falls into place correctly, they will be able to show their Hawk just how much has been kept from him. She starts to make plans in her head about what to do with this information but she will wait till James is back before finalizing anything, wants to make sure there is nothing else that they need to know about before claiming their hawk.

She double checks everything as she waits, makes sure that their position is secure. This is something she has always hated, the waiting when James has to check in, the worry that he may not be James when he returns, that the soldier will be at the fore front. It has happened before, early on when they were still being kept apart most of the time, times when they would forget each other. There had always been a pull, a need and Natasha has always trusted that, trusted that James would return to her somehow, that he has always been hers and always will be but that doesn’t ease the worry. It is fresh now because of Rogers, because of the threat of old memories coming forth that may rob her of only constant.

There is a picture of Rogers that she lets herself look at right now, eyes lingering over it as she waits. She hates him a bit, this man who has claimed their hawk, who has possibly had a claim on her soldier as well. James had said he was stubborn, would not give up but Natasha can be just as stubborn. If he tries to keep Clint, tries to reclaim James, she will do all that she can to make sure he suffers.

There is a noise and she is drawn away from her thoughts of Rogers and James is now entering the room. She watches as he comes closer and as soon as he is near enough, he is reaching a hand out for her and she knows that he is still hers, that no wipe was done today.

“It went well?”

She asks as she takes his hand, as he sits down next to her. He gives her a nod and then tells her what Pierce spoke of and they discuss what to do now, the little clues they have left their hawk so that he may look for them. Natasha tells him of who else has come here, of what she had said to Rogers. There is a plan in mind now, one that should allow them access to their hawk or at least enlighten him more about SHIELD.

“What of Rogers?”

She asks now, James hadn’t mentioned him yet and the question makes him still for just a moment.

“There is no kill order yet, he is to be left alone so that he may return to SHIELD.”

There is almost a hint of relief in his voice as he tells her this and Natasha’s hand tightens around his. She wants to know if he has remembered more of him yet but it is clear that he is trying not to think about him. She lets it go for this moment, gives just a nod. They will speak about this more but first they must get ready for whatever their hawk’s next move is.

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“This was left for me, he put it in my quiver. “

Clint doesn’t say a name as he puts the flash drive in the computer, as he starts the video, but Steve knows he is talking about the soldier, about Bucky. Steve doesn’t ask why it was put in the quiver, as soon as the first picture comes up , he knows why. It is a video of Clint, of him being questioned by Fury and Coulson and the video is just enough to show that SHIELD has covered up so much of Clint’s life, that Fury has covered up so much of what happened to him. The video ends and Clint takes the flash drive out, clenches his hand around as he speaks again.

“She told me that if I wanted to know about my memory loss that I should ask Fury. I think SHIELD may have wiped me, that there is proof of it in the files they stole. I need to find them.”

His voice is desperate and Steve comes closer to him, puts his fingers on Clint’s fist, rubs the knuckles as he speaks.

“She didn’t give me a location, Clint, just hints that SHIELD was lying about things. I have no idea where we could look.”

“She had to have said something that was a kind of hint, she would have planted it to see if you or I would look for them. Her lies would have shades of truth in them.”

He says this so confidently and Steve wonders how much he has remembered now if he has ideas about how she works. He thinks about what she said again and then there is an idea in his head, one he is unsure about but shares because Clint may be able to confirm it.

“She said she must have lost them in the laundry. She had been staying in our building, is it possible she took the files there? If they are on a drive like this one was, there would be lots of place to hide it in the laundry room.”

Clint gives him a nod, his fist finally starting to relax just a bit.

“It would be as good of a place as any to look. They wouldn’t have gone back there right away, would have gone to another safe house first. We may be able to get there first but SHIELD may be there as well.”

Clint’s words are sure again and Steve is going to trust him on this. They need those files and Steve wants to be able to find Bucky as well.

“Sam has offered to help but I think we need to explain to him what is going on and if there is time, I think he would like us to get him his wings.”

There is just a hint of confusion on Clint’s face at the word wings but he shrugs it off, tells Steve that will be fine. They go find Sam now, explain everything as briefly as they can and he looks a little confused when they try to explain who the soldier is.

“So let me get this straight, the man who killed the director of SHIELD is apparently your childhood best friend who fell off a train seventy years ago? How is that possible?”

Sam has a very good point and Steve tries to tell him what he knows.

“He was captured during the war, a scientist named Zola experimented on him, it may have helped him survive the fall. As far as how he is here now and hasn’t aged that much, I have no idea.”

“He used to sleep, in ice, between missions. He told me that once, it was why he didn’t like the cold.”

Clint says this and they both turn and look at him and Clint shrugs just a bit, not his shrug of confusion from before, something a little different, something that looks just a little guilty.

“My memories are coming back a bit more now.”

He says this simply and Sam cocks just a little bit of an eyebrow at him and asks a question.

“You used to work with them right? Is that going to be a problem if they find us when we try to get these files?”

“I don’t know, just know that they are going to look for me whether I go after the files or not and I need to figure out what is going on.”

It is an honest answer and Steve hopes it is enough for Sam to still be willing to help them. It seems to be as he gives a bit of a nod.

“You guys lead very complicated lives but I’m in. Let’s find out what we can before someone comes looking for you here.”

They make a plan and head out and Steve hopes that they can find their answers before they get arrested or he has to fight Bucky again.

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	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a very flashback heavy chapter but I wanted to set up a few things. Hope you enjoy.

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_“So what does it feel like? The kissing?”_

_Bucky looks over at Steve as he asks this, there is just a bit of a blush across his cheeks and it makes Steve look a bit younger than he really is. Bucky thinks about it, wants to give him an answer that means something. He has had a few kisses by now, remembers most of them and Steve is asking him and he wants to describe it right. He can’t find the right words but he tells Steve something._

_“It is a little hard to describe but kissing feels nice.”_

_It isn’t the best explanation but Steve gives a little not even if he doesn’t look completely satisfied with the answer. Steve has never been kissed and right now Bucky thinks about how unfair that is. Kisses are nice and if there is anyone who deserves nice things, it is Steve. It is that thought that makes him lean forward, to do something that he has thought about before but had decided long ago that it wasn’t something he should take._

_He kisses Steve, a soft gentle touch of lips against his. It is a sweet kiss, something just meant to show Steve what it is like and Bucky can feel something in his chest flutter a bit when instead of moving away, Steve returns the kiss. It is tentative, not very skilled, Steve’s very first kiss and Bucky makes himself pull away after a moment._

__“I thought it would be easier if I just showed you. It might be better, when it is a dame, when it is someone you care for. We can forget about it, if you want.”__

_The words rush out of Bucky now and he means them. He won’t ever mention this if Steve doesn’t want to talk about it, will never do this again if Steve doesn’t want to, but he knows that he will never forget this. There is a moment of quiet and Steve is just watching him and Bucky wonders what he sees, what he is thinking._

_“I didn’t mind it, it was nice.”_

_Steve gives a little smile with those words and relief washes through Bucky with them. They don’t talk about it after that but just a few days later, it happens again, this time Steve brushing his lips against Bucky’s in the middle of the night. It starts to happen more as days pass, the kisses becoming more sure, less shy, and soon there are other touches as well. He tries to make himself stop, to let go of these touches, these kisses, but Steve deserves kisses and if no one else is going to give them to him, then Bucky will. He is always willing to give Steve what he needs._

The plan is simple, should work if their hawk does as they think he will. It should not be too long till they find out if he is making the move they are counting on. It will not be long and they will have their hawk back. It will not be long and they can reclaim what it theirs, touch him after so long of not having him. It will not be long but everything is not quite ready yet and so the soldier waits, hidden in a safe spot as the day starts to fade away.

He thinks as he waits, tries to keep his thoughts from drifting to Rogers, to Steve. He had been his once, the soldier is sure of that now, just as he is sure that Natasha is his, that Clint is his. Steve had been his once and Bucky had been his but Bucky is not around now, has been gone a very long time. Steve was taken away from him, he isn’t allowed to keep him and this is what James has to tell himself as he waits, as he tries to push thoughts of Steve aside. Steve isn’t his anymore but Natasha is his and Clint is theirs, no matter what claim Steve has placed on him. Clint is theirs and James will take him away from Steve and just hope that Steve can accept it, that he won’t have to destroy what was once his. He will not be allowed to keep Steve and so he pushes the thoughts of what might had been and waits for the right moment.

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_He is at the opening of the vent, has been inside here for about an hour or so and he thinks that maybe he should jump out of it. He isn’t entirely sure that he should leave his little safe haven but he needs answers and he also needs to pee. He takes another breath and then jumps out of the vent, lands with no problems and he finds himself facing the men who he woke up to about an hour ago, the man with the eye patch and the one in a nice suit. They are both looking straight at him, have spent the last hour or so trying to get him calmed down and out of the vent and they look like they are waiting for him to say something and so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind._

_“I need to piss.”_

_It may not be the best thing to say but it doesn’t get him shot. Instead, the man with the eye patch, the one who said his name was Nick Furry, points to a door a few feet away._

_“Bathroom is right there, Barton. Do what you need to and then we can have little chat about your situation.”_

_Barton, that is what they have called him a few times, that and Clint and neither bring up any sort of familiarity but he gives a little nod and goes to the bathroom, shuts the door behind him. He relieves himself and then goes to the sink to wash his hands. There is a mirror above the sink and he looks at himself in it, hopes that maybe seeing himself will help clear the confusion in his head, makes something pop into his head, some sort of memory about who he is, what is going on. There is nothing and he makes his way out of the bathroom._

_They are both seated when he comes out, sitting at a little table a few feet away from the bed he was in. There are a few things sitting on the table and the third chair is already pulled out for him and he moves to it. He sits down and they both just look at him right now and it is the one in the suit, Coulson, who speaks._

_“ Are you feeling better about speaking with us now?”_

_The question seems simple enough, spoken plainly. Clint shrugs his shoulders and answers the question he really thinks is being asked as he sits down._

_“If you want to know if I have remembered either of you, the answer is no. I don’t remember anything really but you haven’t shot at me yet so it can’t hurt to hear what you have to say. “_

_“There isn’t anything you remember from before you woke up?”_

_Fury asks him this now and he shakes his head. The other two exchange looks, just a brief glance that he catches but isn’t sure what to make of it. There is just a pause before Fury speaks again, voice matter of fact._

_“We were informed there may be some memory loss, we just didn’t realize it would be this severe. You were in a coma for a while, had been missing before that. We will fill you in and try to see if you can recover.”_

_This is all the warning he gets before the debriefing of the night starts. It is just basic information at first, his name and various records, his association with the two men sharing the table with him. One is apparently his handler and the other the director in charge of the whole agency that Clint works for and they both assure him that they are also his friends. He isn’t sure about that but he doesn’t know where else he would go and so he sits and talks with them, Fury eventually having to leave for a while but Coulson stays and has dinner with him. It is not too bad, he still isn’t quite sure of everything but Coulson isn’t bad company. Clint could maybe buy the friend thing now even if he isn’t sure of much else._

_It is when dinner is finished that other people come into the room, a doctor and a couple of techs or maybe nurses. They need to look over Clint and he isn’t thrilled about it. He squirms a bit as they look over him, as they draw some blood. ._

_“What is my blood going to tell you about memory loss? Pretty sure memory loss is a brain thing.”_

_He mutters it as they stick the needle in. Coulson gives a bit of chuckle and Clint turns to him when he speaks, has noticed that he has taken off his suit jacket and the nurse that isn’t fussing with Clint’s arm is over with him._

_“Don’t worry, there are going to be plenty of brain scans as well. We will have the vents locked up by that time.”_

_His voice is dry but it almost sounds like he is making a joke about Clint, about jumping up into the vents from before. He is about to respond to it when he notices the bandage on Coulson’s arm, the one that the nurse is taking off now. There is bruising around what looks like a small round wound that has been stitched. He doesn’t look away from it as he asks about it._

_“How did you get that?”_

_He is curious about it and there is moment of silence as Coulson looks at his arm and then at Clint._

_“I was stabbed with a pen the other day.”_

_It isn’t exactly what he was expecting to hear._

_“Why a pen?”_

_He asks and Coulson gives a bit of a shrug._

_“It is what he was able to get ahold of. “_

_“Who stabbed you?”_

_There is a pause now, Coulson staring at Clint right now. He is looking at him and his expression is a bit closed off, a little hard to read, but there is something just a little sad in his eyes._

_“ An agent who is a bit confused about things right now. We are getting things worked out.”_

_It is all he says, doesn’t give Clint a name and he puts his jacket back on as soon as the wound is rewrapped. He stays a bit longer with Clint that night but he doesn’t say anything else about the wound and Clint doesn’t ask, though he thinks about it a few times over the next few days, wonders why Coulson doesn’t want to tell him too much about it._

Clint’s stomach is still in knots, has been since he watched the video. It stayed that way as they came up with their plan, had stayed that way as they got Sam his wings, had stayed that way even as Steve gave his hand a reassuring squeeze before they separated. The knots don’t go away as he puts himself in position, as he starts to scan the area for any threats that may prevent Sam and Steve from entering the building. He wishes he could walk in with them but SHIELD is going to go after him harder than they may Steve and so Clint is at a vantage point, can watch their entrance and make sure nothing keeps them from the building.

They make it in and Clint breathes a sigh of relief but the knots don’t go away. He can’t see them now and he has to wait till they find the files before he can do anything. They have ways of contacting him if needed and so now Clint just sits and waits, tries not to dwell on the feeling of betrayal that has been in him since watching the video. Fury had his reasons for hiding this from him, would have had to have reasons but now Fury is dead, Coulson is dead, and Clint will never hear their reasons for why everything was covered up, why they lied about what happened.

Minutes pass and Clint watches, watches and waits. The light is fading and it is quiet up here. He keeps ahold of his bow, tries not to think about anything but what is happening right now, on waiting for any communication from Sam or Steve. He waits and it is quiet but there is just a slight bit of noise, something that Clint knows was deliberate and he turns to it, sees even in the fading light the slight gleam of metal and hears a very familiar voice speak as a figure approaches. The words are spoken clearly and Clint knows that everything is about to get a bit more complicated.

“Hello, hawk. Ready to come home?”

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was made for this series and it is awesome.   
> http://begitalarcos.tumblr.com/post/104463988210/it-is-not-just-the-wipes-that-are-needed-but


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I meant to have this chapter posted Thursday but I have been sick all week and I had to rewrite part of this about five times. I hope you enjoy and comments would be super awesome right now.

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Steve isn’t sure if splitting up was the best idea but there really hadn’t been much choice. Clint can’t risk going into the building, being seen by SHIELD and Steve didn’t feel right just sending Sam into the building alone. He had thought about having Sam stay with Clint but it will be quicker if there are two of them looking for the files and so he and Sam both head into the building, about ten minutes apart just to be safe. Sam had entered first and Steve now finds himself walking through his hallway, trying not to draw attention to himself. The laundry room is in the basement floor and Steve makes his way there, hopes that no one else is there right now.

The hallway is pretty empty right now and Steve is glad of that but it might get busier soon. It is around the time that people are going to start coming home for the evening or leaving their apartment to go out. They need to get in and out quickly so that if there won’t be any commotion.

He has reached the basement and only Sam is there. He is already looking and Steve goes a spot near him, starts his own search. There are a couple loads of laundry going and Steve hopes no one comes down for them as they look.

“So it should just be a flash drive, right? Not paper files?”

Sam asks quietly as he checks the empty washers. Steve answers from where he is looking.

“We think so. We don’t have a lot of details but Clint was left a flash drive so the files should be digital.”

Sam gives him a nod and Steve moves a little farther away from him. Steve isn’t quite sure that they will find the files, if they are even here. He isn’t sure if it will be the best thing if they find them. If Clint is right and she gave them a hint to find them, then she has a reason for it, wants them or at least Clint aware of certain things. He can’t help but feel like they are playing into the widow’s hands a little bit but Clint needs his answers and Steve will help him find them, will do all that he can to make sure that they don’t drive him back into the widow’s arms.

He thinks about the widow as he looks for the file, as he checks the various spots she could have put the files in. It is easier to think about her, to consider her an enemy, to pretend that she is the only one after Clint. Steve knows that it isn’t the truth, knows that Bucky is involved with this as well and that is painful. The soldier is so different from the man Steve knew so long ago and there is a fear that the soldier is all that he is anymore, that Bucky is truly gone. The thought hurts but there isn’t time to dwell on it because he is at the candy machine now and there is something that doesn’t belong, something small and plastic behind some of the gum. Steve doesn’t say anything yet, simply digs out some change and starts to put it in the machine. He has just enough and soon enough then it is dropping. He can see it clearly now, the flash drive and he reaches for it just as Sam comes over and Steve can hear the door opening.

“I think we may have company.”

Sam says this, voice not very loud as he stands next to him. Steve simply turns to him, shows him the flash drive.

“Doesn’t matter, we can leave.”

Sam gives him just a bit of a grin and Steve returns it for just a second as he puts the drive into his pocket and then they turn to go to the door. They don’t make it very far, a voice making Steve stop in his tracks.

“I told you I left them when I did the laundry. I think I will take them back now.”

 

The widow has closed the only door behind her, stands in front of it and Steve gets himself ready for a fight, hopes he hasn’t dragged Sam into something he can’t walk away from.

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_“You enjoy being with us, Hawk?”_

_James asks as he glides the razor down Clint’s throat, waits for the answer. He will ask every once in a while, likes to know that their hawk is content here. When they decided to make him theirs, there had been no consideration about his choice, about whether he would want to be with them. They wanted him and so they broke him, made him theirs but now that he is theirs, now that he has been with them for years, James likes to know that he is content, that even if he wouldn’t have chosen this, that he is glad to be theirs. The yes comes soon and it fills James with relief and reassurance as it always does._

_He finishes Clint’s face, starts to clean the razor as Clint splashes his face clean. It is a ritual of theirs, this cleaning up together though usually Natasha is here as well, always helps James with his face. She is not here and so he gets ready to do it himself, lathers himself up. As he reaches for the razor, his wrist is caught in a firm grip._

_“ I can do it, if you want.”_

_It is the first time he has offered and James hesitates for a moment. Clint is theirs, has been for a while now and James trusts him and so he gives a nod, lets him take the razor from him. Clint shaves him, keeps the blade close to his skin. His hands are sure and steady. He could slice his throat right now, bleed him out, but he doesn’t. It is not long till it is done and James’ face is smooth once again. He splashes it as Clint cleans the razor now._

_“You don’t like the disposable, do you?”, Clint asks this as he closes the straight razor. James thinks about it for just a moment. He has always used the straight blade, there is a bit of familiarity to it. He has seen disposables used, has tried them once but this is still easier to him._

_“I prefer this. It gets a closer shave.”_

_He touches Clint’s cheek as he says this, touches the now smooth skin. Last night, Clint had still had his rough stubble and though the marks are already gone, James had enjoyed how it had felt against his skin when Clint was on top of him, in him, trailing kisses and bites along his throat.   Natasha sometime enjoys that as well but not always and they wanted to clean up for her a little bit. She should be back around tomorrow. James is ready for her to be home but for now he is content to have his hawk here and he pulls him in for a kiss._

_They find themselves in the bed a little bit after that, clothes already taken off and James traces the scar on Clint’s side as he kisses him. Their hawk always seems greedy for touch and tonight is no different, one of his hands is tanged in James’ hair and the other is on his neck, both pulling James closer to him. They are like this for a little while till James pulls away for just a moment, asks him what he wants and Clint responds quickly._

_“I want you inside me but first I want to feel these first.”_

_Clint’s hand goes to James’ metal on, his finger tips brushing the cool knuckles as he speaks. It is something they have done before, not for a while but James is willing to indulge him in this. He gives him another kiss before moving away for just a moment to get the lube. Clint spread his legs for him, props himself against the head board with some pillows. He dribbles some of the lube directly onto Clint’s hole first and then puts a little on his one of his fingers. He can’t really feel the wetness of it on the metal like he can if he put it on his flesh but he will still be able to feel Clint around it. He starts to ease it in and as he does so, he speaks._

_“Let me know if I hurt you.”_

_James has done this before but the metal can be a little more painful, could cause a little harm. He will go slow but he wants Clint to tell him if it hurts, if it is uncomfortable at all. He has no desire to damage his hawk._

_“You won’t.”_

_Clint gives him a bit of a smile as he says those words, sounds so sure and something about it makes James still for just a moment, closes his eyes. Right now, it isn’t his hawk near him, there is a flash of someone else for a moment, yellow hair and the bluest eyes he has ever seen, someone so much smaller than him, someone he could hurt but he won’t. It is a glimmer of something he is not sure of but it feels so real right now._

_“James.”_

_It is Clint’s voice murmuring his name, Clint’s body squirming just a bit because James hasn’t moved his finger all the way in yet and he opens his eyes. The ghost of blonde hair and blue eyes is gone now but his hawk is right here and James eases his finger in the rest of the way, starts to work it in and out slowly, getting him stretched out. Clint responds to it well, breathy little moans and James smiles at them, does this for a little while. He adds a second finger after a bit. He can feel Clint loosening around them just enough and that is when he pulls them out, pours a little more lube on them before wrapping them briefly around himself so that he is hard enough to enter his hawk and then he slides into him._

_There is nothing in this room now but the two of them, no past, no ghosts and when Clint bucks up against him the only thing that James would change is that Natasha would be here, watching. She always enjoys the show they put on for her. She isn’t here right now but James knows she will be back soon and so he thrusts into Clint, makes sure their hawk gets just what he needs right now. It doesn’t take long and when they are finished, James doesn’t pull out right away, leans forward and places a kiss upon Clint’s hair. It gets him a soft smile and James is content right now._

“Hello, hawk. Ready to come home?”

James calls the words out as he stands a bit away from their hawk, as he gets a full look of him now. He stands at the ready, bow drawn and arrow in place, pointed in James’ direction and his eyes are looking directly at him. There is so much emotion in those eyes right now, fear, anger, worry, longing, and James finds him beautiful and he wants nothing more than to move closer, to touch him but he waits, stands where he is for now.

“You mean go back with you.”

There is a tightening of his fingers against his bow as he says this and some tension in his shoulders but he does not look away from James. It isn’t a question but James answers it like it is one, stays still for the moment, eyes not leaving Clint’s face.

“Yes. You are ours and you have been kept from us for long enough. It is time for you to come home, SHIELD cannot keep you. We will not allow it.”

James’s words are a promise, they will not allow Clint to stay where he is now. Peirce’s words from earlier still echo in his head, the softly spoken threat of what will happen if they can’t claim him again. That will not happen. They have plans in place to assure he comes back to them but they would like it to be his choice this time, to know that he understands that he is theirs.

“Is that why you killed Fury? Because of me?”

There is a hint of guilt in his voice and James thinks it is misplaced. Fury took Clint away from them, has been using him, lied to him, he doesn’t deserves their Hawk’s guilt but James soothes it none the less.

“Fury’s death was a mission, an order, but now he cannot lie to you anymore.”

Clint tenses up just a little more now and it is all the confirmation that James needs to know that he watched the file he left him, that he is finding out more of the truth. There is one more truth that James could show him but he will wait for a while more, see if their hawk will return without knowing it.

“He took you from us, made you forget the life you had with us. It is not staying forgotten though, is it?”

He asks now, wants to see how their hawk will react. He knows that he is remembering more, can see some recognition in his eyes. Clint doesn’t move, doesn’t shoot his arrow, his eyes never leaving James’s as he starts to speak.

“I remember, bits and pieces, more coming. I remember you took me, you broke me. “

There is just a bit of anger in his words and James wants to soothe it a little bit.

“We only broke you because it was needed, because it was the only way we could keep you.”

It is another truth and there is a moment of quiet before Clint speaks again.

“ I should hate you.”

He says should and it is that word that lets James know that he doesn’t hate them, that their hawk is still there.

“You took away the life I had, stole me from it but it wasn’t anything that hadn’t been done to you. You were broken before, weren’t you, James?”

James doesn’t say anything, there is no need to answer the question. They had never hid the fact that they both went through something similar like him. There is just a slight tilt of Clint’s head now and a breath taken before he says something else.

“Or should I call you Bucky now?”

He tenses up at the name, not a lot but enough that Clint has to notice it. He wondered if Rogers would tell Clint, if Clint would know about that name and he does.

“That’s not my name, hasn’t been for a long time. That name doesn’t matter.”

He tells Clint this, needs him to understand. There is a shake of Clint’s head and his eyes never leave James’s.

“It does matter, it matters to Steve. He loves you and you almost killed him.”

There is a pang of guilt that goes through him at Steve’s name, at this reminder of what almost happened. It is pushed down. Steve isn’t his anymore but Clint is and he needs to come home.

“It doesn’t matter. He would keep you from us, you are not his. You cannot keep him, Hawk.”

There is more that he could say, more that he could tell Clint but now is not the time. They will talk about him later if it is needed, if their hawk still has questions about him, but for now James doesn’t want to speak about him, wants to connivance Clint that it is time to leave.

“This can be simple. Walk away from him, from SHIELD, come back to us. “

He holds a hand out with these words, doesn’t move forward yet. It would be so simple if Clint would just lower his bow, come closer to James. The bow does not lower and Clint does not come closer.

“I can’t just walk away. I care for Steve and SHIELD was my home for years. I just can’t leave them behind, not with out finding out just what is going on.”

Their hawk is so loyal, so very stubborn. There is just a bit of hesitance in his words and James knows that with the right push, he will come back to them. There is a bit of Agent Barton here but there is still more of just Clint, of their hawk and James has something that might make the agent go under the surface again.

“SHIELD is not your home. They have kept so much from you, have lied so much. There is more that has been hidden from you than just your past, something you grieve for that you shouldn’t. You can see it now.”

He takes the phone out of his pocket as he says this, tosses it carefully to Clint. It is instinct more than anything that has Clint let go of his arrow to catch it. He holds it, doesn’t look at it right away. James knows he is debating whether to look at it or not but their hawk is curious by nature and there is still a part of him that wants to listen to them and he starts to touch the phone , to open the message that is there. This is going to hurt him, James is certain of that, but it is needed and so he simply waits for him to see the truth and then he will soothe the hurt, bring him back to their side.

<><><><><> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was made for this series and it is awesome.  
> http://begitalarcos.tumblr.com/post/104463988210/it-is-not-just-the-wipes-that-are-needed-but


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas or happy whatever holiday you celebrate or just happy Thursday. here is a new chapter and I hope everyone enjoys.

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Natasha stands at the ready, the only exit behind her, Rogers and his friend a few feet away. Clint is not with them but that is alright, just means that there is a chance James will be able to find him without any interference. All Natasha needs to do right now is keep them here for just a little while. It shouldn’t be difficult.

“I told you I left them when I did the laundry. I think I will take them back now.”

She says this simply but doesn’t move forward quite yet. She is sure that they have found the files and even if they haven’t yet, she wants to distract them long enough to give James time to secure their hawk. She keeps an eye on both of them now, on Rogers and the man next to him, waits to see what they will do.

“I thought you wanted us to find them, that’s why you left a hint.”

Rogers says this, makes no move towards her yet but she sees just a small glance towards his companion. He is worried about him and Natasha will use it to her advantage as soon as she can. For now, she simply gives a shrug.

“Maybe I changed my mind. This will be easier if you hand them over now.”

He does not make a move towards her of towards giving her the files, instead he stands so very still, eyes still looking over towards his companion incase Natasha makes a move towards him, but he gives a shake of his head. The other man stands still as well, eyes looking over everything and Natasha is certain he has had some training of a sort, nothing nearly as good as what she has had, but some basic military. He should be easy enough for her to subdue if needed.

“ Where’s Bucky?”

The question seems to come out of nowhere, Rogers asking it now in the silence. She does not like that he asks about that name, her James is not Barnes, even if he may have been once. He is looking at her now, watching her as she waits to answer the question. She takes a step forward, just one and both of them shift slightly at it but they don’t attack yet. She gives an answer.

“I don’t know a Bucky.”

It is the truth in a way, her James isn’t this Bucky that Rogers knew, the sooner he accepts that the better. There is a tension in Rogers right now but she doesn’t really care if she upsets him. If he is emotional, then it will be easy to attack him, to toy with him till she is sure enough time has passed.

“Where’s the soldier, James, then?”

He uses that name and Natasha wants to hit him for it. No one has called him James except for her and their hawk and that name is not for Rogers. He must have heard Clint call him that or Clint mentioned it, it does not really matter and she does not show her anger. Instead, she gives a just a bit of a smile as she moves just a few steps closer.

“He is off collecting something else of ours, something that you have left somewhere.”

It is a bit of a hint, a bit of a taunt. She will not state it out right and she intends to keep them here a little long, but there is a part of her that is envious of Rogers, of his bond with her hawk, his prior claim on her soldier. She wants to make him hurt just a bit and so she taunts him now that their hawk will be coming home, that he has left Clint vulnerable.

Rogers doesn’t say anything but she notices just a slight tilt of his head, a gesture and then he is moving towards her. He is fast but she has been preparing for this and so she jumps out of the way, maneuvers herself closer to where the other man is. It is not what either of them expected but the other man fights her when she engages him. He is fairly quick, not that bad, but he isn’t entirely prepared for her, hasn’t been trained to handle her and she manages to get a knife pulled out and across his throat before Rogers gets to them.

“I would stay right there.”

Rogers stills and the man in her grasp struggles just a bit but he is careful in it, doesn’t want her to press the knife down. Rogers is looking at them, a hint of worry on his face but then he is speaking.

“Sam, will they cut through cloth?”

It is such a strange thing to ask and she isn’t sure what he is referring to. The man in her hold, Sam apparently seems to understand because she hears him muttering under his breath.

“I liked this jacket.”

It is all he says and then she feels him shifting just a bit, his hand moving to press something. She doesn’t press down the knife quickly enough and there is the sound of torn fabric and then something coming out of his jacket. It is just enough to startle her, to make her loosen her hold and he takes advantage, moves away and she can see he has what looks like mechanical wings on his back. Rogers moves closer to her, tries to get her in a hold, to get her knife away. She does not allow it, fights back.

“Get out of here, find Clint.”

He yells this out to Sam and there is just a moment of hesitation and then she can hear him running. She lets him go, focuses on keeping Rogers here.

“Just you and me now. “

It is all she says as she takes out another knife, as she moves to attack him. He is going to be a challenge but Natasha will do all that she can to keep him occupied for just a few minutes longer, long enough for others to come down here and then she will flee, go back to her boys. She will keep Rogers away from them.

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_The first thing Clint is aware of as he comes to is just how much his head hurts right now. It aches and he is certain that there is a lump on his forehead from Thor’s fist. The second thing he is aware of is that Loki’s voice is no longer in his head, that there is nothing telling him to listen and obey. It is a relief, to not have that voice in his head but then he hears something, a voice speaking just a little bit away._

_“Stay awake, eyes on me.”_

_Fury’s voice and then Phil’s voice is responding, full of pain and just a bit tired and that is when Clint knows something has gone very wrong. He is up now, head still aching but he needs to see Phil, needs to know just what is happening and he freezes for just a moment when he sees him against the wall, Fury right next to him._

_Phil has been stabbed in the chest, blood seeping out over his suit and Clint can see some at the corner of his mouth. Clint has seen wounds before, has had quite a few himself, can remember now the few times he has seen Phil hurt but none have looked quite as bad as this one. He could die from this, Clint hears him tell Fury this and Clint makes himself move forward, needs to talk to him before this chance is taken away._

_“Listen to him, keep your eyes open.”_

_This is all Clint says as he gets closer to them, as he crouches down next to them. Phil shifts just a bit, his eyes finding Clint’s and there is a bit of surprise in them._

_“Clint, your eyes, no more blue.”_

_Phil says this, words coming out with a hint of pain. Fury turns now, looks at him with sharp eyes while still keeping most of his focus on Phil._

_“Back with us, Barton? Is he out of your head?”_

_The words are barked out and Clint gives a nod and puts pressure on Phil’s chest to slow the bleeding. There will be questions, Clint knows that Fury is going to ask all sorts of questions, but not right now. Now there isn’t time for questions because Phil is laying here bleeding to death and everything is a mess and Fury simply sits by him, watches Phil with him._

_“I told the Captain that we would get you back. He was worried about you.”_

_Phil tells Clint this, his words coming out just a little slurred now. The bleeding isn’t really slowing down but Clint doesn’t move his hands away. He just needs to keep him talking, keep him awake, just keep him from fading till the medics get here._

_“Steve’s a good guy. Did you get him to sign your cards yet?”_

_Clint asks, remembers how proud Phil had been when he finally completed the set about eight years ago. There is a shake of Phil’s head and he starts to close his eyes again and Clint puts a little more pressure on the wound as he speaks._

_“Well, after this, we will get him to sign them, just stay awake, ok?”_

_“Not sure if I can. May be checking out now."_

_His voice sounds so weak right now._

_“Not an option.”_

_Fury says this right next to Clint and Clint simply nods at it, needs Phil to survive this. He speaks again, keeps his hands on the wound._

_“Stay awake, stay here, and I will get Steve to sign your cards and will do all your paper work for a month like you did mine after the cartel incident.”_

_Phil’s eyes widen just a bit now._

_“You remember more.”_

_Clint shakes his head yes, tells him that he doesn’t remember everything yet. There is something that almost looks like guilt on Phil’s face. The blood is still coming out and Phil’s eyes have lost most of their focus._

_“None of it was your fault, I want you to know that.“_

_Phil’s words are insistent and Clint isn’t sure what he is talking about and he is about to ask when Phil goes still, when his mouth is still open just a bit but there is no breath being taken. He is gone and Clint takes his hands away now and Fury looks like he is in shook as he stands up, as he makes Clint move as well so that the medics can get to the body._

_Everything that happens in the next few minutes is a bit of a blur, Fury talking to him, the blood being washed off his hands, being taken to a cell. There is guilt, confusion, and anger and Clint swears he is going to find a way to make Loki hurt for this._

Clint wasn’t sure what he expected to see on this phone when he opened the message but it wasn’t this and he isn’t sure if he can, wants, to believe what he is seeing.

“This can’t be real.”

The words are out of Clint’s mouth without him thinking about them, the phone clutched tightly in his hand. A photo of a man stares up at Clint, one taken from a distance but his face can be seen clearly and Clint knows that face. It looks a little pale, a little worn, but so very familiar but Clint tells himself he has to be mistaken, that the man in this photo can’t be Phil Coulson.

“He’s dead. I saw him die.”

Clint has replayed it in his head so many times since that day, dreamed about it, there is no way that it didn’t happen. He doesn’t want to believe that it was a lie. He can’t look away from the phone now, keeps staring at it even when he hears James speak.

“Death isn’t always permeant. He has been out and about the last few weeks, looking for us.”

The words sound truthful but Clint wants to think that they are a lie, wants to hold on to the hope that something like this wasn’t kept from him. He still hasn’t looked up from the phone, is looking over every little part of the picture, trying to find proof that it isn’t real. He doesn’t find any but he tells himself that he just isn’t looking hard enough. He speaks his thoughts out loud, needs to deny what is on this phone.

“This could be faked, you could be lying. “

“It is not faked, was taken just a few hours before. We will not lie to you, not about this, not like they did.”

The words are spoken so closely and Clint finally looks up from the phone and James is right next to him. He had let the shock get to him, hadn’t kept his guard up and now the winter soldier is right here and he doesn’t have his arrow ready.

“They let you mourn for him, let you think you were responsible for his death. They have used you, hawk. Come home.”

He has moved a hand to Clint’s shoulder with his words, his flesh and blood hand. Clint should move away, should shift away from the touch but he doesn’t. He remembers it now, remembers how much he had enjoyed their touches, how content he was when he was with them. He wants to tell him that they used him too but he knows that it isn’t really the truth, that they took him because they wanted him, nothing more nothing less. It would be so easy to agree to go

“I shouldn’t.”

It is what he says and he doesn’t move away from James yet. The hand on his shoulder tightens just a bit and he can see a look of determination settling over James’s face.

“If you will not come home, then I will bring you home.”

It is a warning and Clint starts to shift, places the phone in his pocket, knows that in a few moments he is going to need to move quickly if he wants to avoid whatever James is about to do. There is a part of him that says he should just let this happen, that he should go back to them, that he is theirs and they are his, but he reminds himself of Steve. He can’t leave him behind, won’t leave him behind, even if James has been forced to.

“I can’t leave Steve and if you remembered who he was to you, you wouldn’t ask me to.”

There is no doubt in Clint’s mind now that he had been forced to forget Steve. There is a shake of his head and Clint can see his metal arm reaching for something even as his other hand keeps his grip on Clint’s shoulder.

“We cannot keep him, he isn’t mine, not now. Come home.”

His words are insistent and Clint can see the needle in hand now. Clint shakes his head and that is when James starts to move the needle towards him and Clint tries to move away from it as he hears the rush of footsteps and then a familiar voice shouting to step away from Agent Barton and he knows that the picture hadn’t been a lie now and the betrayal hurts.

Coulson is alive and he is here.

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	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long, hopefully will have more soon. This chapter got me a tiny bit stuck so hopefully it is all right. Thank you for reading.

<><><><><> 

When Natalie Rushman introduced herself to Steve those weeks ago, he had thought she looked like a dancer, a ballerina, almost delicate looking. He had felt guilty about running into her, almost knocking her down because she had looked so small and her hand had felt so dainty in his. He hadn’t thought of her as anything other than normal girl. Now fighting the widow he realizes just how much of that first impression was a lie, a trick. There is nothing delicate about the woman he fights now.

She moves quickly, gracefully and maybe the thought of her as a dancer wasn’t completely off the mark. There is a viciousness in her attacks right now, the way she lunges forward with her knives, the way she throws them. He has to be quick to avoid them, has to keep his shield up. He could probably overpower her but it is obvious that she is avoiding letting that happen, that she moves out of the way so that he can’t catch her in a hold or knock her down. She also keeps herself between him and the door, attacks more when he moves closer to the way out. She is keeping him trapped here and Steve knows that most of this has been a setup. Sam has managed to get out of here but Steve isn’t sure if that will be enough to prevent whatever is planned. He has to get out of this room, has to find Clint, has to find Bucky, has to make sure he hasn’t sent Sam off to be hurt and so he dodges the widow’s attack, manages to get a little closer to the door even as she refocuses on keeping him here.

“ You are not leaving until I have what I came for, Captain.”

Her words are accompanied by another knife throw and a kick. Steve avoids them both but he knows that he may not be as lucky soon. He is pretty sure that she isn’t talking about the files right now and he hates the fact that he has left Clint alone, had basically left him for the taking.

“I can’t let you take what isn’t yours.”

He throws a hit as he says this and she manages to dodge. She throws a hit of her own, follows it up with a kick and Steve manages to block both with the shield but it gets knocked out of his hands from it.

“I can’t let you keep what is mine.”

Her arm flings out as she says this, a wild hit and Steve manages to catch it, grabs ahold of her wrist. She seems just a tad startled and he pulls her arm, twists it so that it is behind her back and he grabs ahold of her other arm as well. He could break one of her arms quickly and he keeps his hold on her, puts a little more pressure on her wrist. There is something on it, some kind of wrist guard but Steve could still crush it and he will if he has to.

“I want answers. Where’s Bucky?”

He asks as he twists her arm a little more, not enough to break it, not yet. If she tells him where Bucky is, how he plans to get Clint then Steve will have a little more idea of where to look when he gets out of here. The widow doesn’t say anything but her hand connected to the wrist that Steve has a firm grip on squeezes into a fist and suddenly there is electricity surging through Steve’s system, just enough to make him let go and fall to the ground for a moment, just a little stunned. She takes advantage and runs out. Steve gets up after a few minutes, grabs his shield and follows the path he thinks she has taken.

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_“Is there any reason why Barton was brought here instead of being disposed of off site? There is no information that is needed out of him and the mission was termination.”_

_Pierce is gesturing to the door behind the soldier as he speaks, the door to the room that Natasha stands in, Barton knocked out and tied to a chair. It did not escape anyone’s notice that Barton was still alive when they brought him here and the soldier is only mildly surprised that it is Pierce himself who has come to find out why Barton is not dead._

_“The order was that he was not to return to SHIELD from this mission. We made a call other than his death. We want him to be ours.”_

_There is a glint of curiosity in Pierce’s eyes at his statement and the soldier does not looks away from his glance. It is a risk, wanting to keep Barton, but the soldier also knows that Pierce, that Hydra has use for weapons and Barton could be a very dangerous one indeed._

_“I want a mission report now, everything leading up to Barton being brought here.”_

_It is an order and he follows it, tells Pierce about everything that lead to this moment, about Barton finding the widow, the fact that he offered her a choice, how he was subdued, and that they decided that he should not be killed. He is careful with his words right now, does not drag out his explanation, wants to be there when Barton wakes. Pierce listens carefully and he is quiet for just a moment_

_“Why Barton? What makes you want to keep him?”_

_James knows his real answer, the fact that he was willing to take a chance on Natasha, the fact that Barton reminds him of someone from long ago, of blue eyes and blond hair but this is not the answer that he should give. Instead, he answers a version of the truth, lets the soldier speak._

_“His death would be a waste. He is strong, dangerous, we want him and he could fit well with us, be useful.”_

_It is simple, to the point and Piece takes just a moment to think it over. He gives a nod after a few seconds._

_“He has potential, no doubt about it. If is allowed to be yours, he must be of use or there is no reason for you to keep him. It has worked well, you and the widow, he can be your prize but prizes can be taken away if hard work slips away. Understand?”_

_It is both permission and a threat._

_“Yes.”_

_It is a simple answer, one that he is willing to give because he does not want anything taking away this possibility from them. There is something about Barton that has drawn both of them to him and James wishes to have it, to have him. Pierce does not wait long after his answer is given before he speaks again._

_“ I will have techs come in the next few days, have him moved to another facility for his conditioning. Once he is broken and molded, he will be given to you.”_

_“We wish to break him ourselves.”_

_The soldier says this now and Pierce is quiet for just a moment, thinking it over. James and Natasha had discussed it as they moved him, as they got everything ready to bring him here. They want him to be theirs, want to keep him and they know that he will need to be broken for that and they want to be the ones to do it, the ones who decide which pieces of him can remain and which may be discarded. If others are left in charge of it, the little spark in him that draws them to him may be extinguished and they don’t want to lose it. There are a few seconds of quiet and James thinks they may be denied this particular privilege and then Pierce is giving another nod, speaking again as he does so._

_“Very well but some conditions will have to be met, a few precautions taken. There will need to be progress updates and triggers put in but he can be yours fully as long as his skills are still Hydra’s. “_

_There is relief at this answer and the soldier listens for a few more moments as Pierce finishes up their conversation, lists a few more terms for Barton being theirs before turning and leaving. James waits till he is all the way down the hall before opening the door and entering the room. Natasha looks to him as he walks to where she stands next to Barton._

_“He is going to be ours, he won’t be taken away.”_

_It is all he says to her and she understands perfectly, gives him a smile as he takes her hand for just a moment. It will not be long till Barton wakes and then they can make him theirs._

“Step away from Agent Barton.”

James hears the shout and though it is inconvenient that someone is here, a part of him is glad that it is not Steve, that instead it is the one whose picture he just showed their hawk. Clint is startled by the voice but he still fights, manages to avoid the needle, even knocks it out of James’ hand. He doesn’t manage to knock off James’s hand from his shoulder and so he keeps ahold of his hawk, brings his other arm around him as well once the needle falls, holds him close and speaks.

“Now you can see that it was the truth, now you can see how much you have been lied to.”

Their hawk is tense in his arms at James’s words, hands still clutching his bow even though he can not use it right now.

“Let go of Agent Barton.”

The voice is much closer now and James can see Agent Coulson approaching them, gun drawn and pointed towards them, more specifically James. He hasn’t fired yet, is probably waiting for Clint to be away from James before he does so. James does not plan to let go of their hawk anytime soon and Clint is not struggling as much right now, has stilled as the agent comes closer.

“Phil.”

The name is spoken and James can hear all the pain in that one word, can hear the betrayal. This has hurt their hawk and though it is needed, James does not like him to hurt. It is tempting right now to let go of him just long enough so that he could shoot or throw a knife at the SHIELD agent, cause him physical pain to make up for the pain that he has caused their hawk to suffer through. It is tempting but James does not let go of Clint, shifts them just a bit so that they are a little closer to the edge of the roof. The action causes Coulson to stop in his approach.

“Clint, I can explain later, right now I need you to trust me that this is going to be alright.”

He says these words, voice clam as if he really means them, as if their hawk should believe him. The desire to simply get rid of him is strong again but he doesn’t make a move against him, not yet. Instead, he leans closer to Clint, speaks softly against his ear so that it cannot be overheard.

“You trusted him once, Hawk, and he broke it, let truths be hidden from you. We will not hide things from you.”

“You did before.”

The words are said just as quietly as James’s had been and they are a simple truth. He keeps a hold of his hawk, whispers a promise to him.

“We will not now, come home and we will tell you everything.”

It is a decision that they have made, to let their hawk know everything once he is theirs again. He wants to be theirs, they both know it and all they have to do is show him that it is the right choice, that he fits with them better than he does anywhere else. They will let their hawk choose them but first they have to secure him, get him away from everything else and that is why James holds him so tight now, tried to drug him just moments ago.

“I need you to let go of him.”

Coulson is speaking again, the gun still pointed at James. He could shoot but there is the risk that he could hit Clint and James knows this, keeps his hawk right in front of him. They are only a few feet from the edge of the roof and if he jumps correctly and keeps a hold of Clint, they could both survive it. He starts to move that way, dragging Clint with him but they don’t make it that far. Something comes from above them, collides with them, the impact just enough to cause him to let go of Clint. He falls away from him, can hear another voice asking Clint if he is alright and when James looks that way, he sees another man now here, what looks like wings on his back. It looks like there may be a little more interference in getting off this roof but the soldier can handle it, will do what he has to if it means their hawk comes home. He gets his weapons ready and starts his attack.

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	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter but a few things happen. Don't hate me too much.

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_“Either of you gentlemen care to win the lady a prize?”_

_The man’s voice calls out as they walk near his booth and Clint gives Natasha a little bit of a grin before stepping up to the man, saying he will give it a go. Natasha stands with James a little off to the side and watches as their hawk takes a hold of the darts, as he throws them. He sinks each shot with ease and soon enough he is able to pick something out of the various cheap trinkets that are laid out. He hands his prize out to Natasha after just a moment and she takes it from him. It is nothing particularly special, just a cheaply made key chain shaped like a ballet slipper but Natasha gives him a kiss on the cheek for it anyway and puts it her pocket._

_“I could probably get you both one of those giant teddy bears if you want as well.”_

_Clint says this with a grin, gestures to one of the other booths nearby._

_“Maybe later. Let’s see what else there is.”_

_James says this and leads them both away from the booth, from the darts. The three of them walk around the carnival now, close together as they usually are. This outing is a celebration of sorts, a treat for their hawk. He has been with them around a year now, been fully theirs for a year, and it seemed fitting to celebrate it in a way. The carnival had seemed fitting, seemed like something their hawk would enjoy and so now they find their selves going to the various booths and rides._

_It is enjoyable for the most part and Natasha lets herself relax but not completely. She keeps a close eye on Clint the whole time, notices that James does as well. They always watch him fairly closely, looking for any sign that all the work they have put into making him theirs is fading, for any sign that the past is surfacing, and tonight is no different. In fact, the worry that is always present that he may remember is slightly higher considering that this is like an element of his past, that it may remind him of his time in the circus. They gave him almost a complete blank slate, left his skills in tact but none of his memories, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be flickers of things are times that there won’t be glimmers of his past surfacing. Natasha knows well that even if the past is forgotten that it still can leave marks, she and James are proof enough of that._

_They have both had their memories taken so many times, have been broken down, have been brought back to this life the few times they have tried to run, and even still there are occasionally flickers of memories for them both, habits that pop up that have no explanation other than being a ghost of a past that they do not let surface for them. There are less flickers for Natasha, she knows enough about how and when she was taken to know that she was young, that she had barely had a life of her own before it was shaped by someone else. Sometimes, she thinks it is a mercy that she hasn’t known much more than this, that she has never had much of a life that wasn’t that of a weapon. She has seen how James can get sometimes, has heard him whisper names in his sleep, has seen him buy drawing paper for some reason he can never say, can remember him saying there was nothing left to run to and how broken he had sounded. He had a life before all this, a life that he made on his own, and it was taken from him, but now it is long gone. Whatever lives they had before being weapons are no longer available for them and they have each other in this one and that is all that has really mattered to her for a long time. They have made Clint part of this life, a part of them, and there is still the worry that he may not stay in it, that his old life may claim him once again since it is not completely destroyed like theirs were._

_Natasha pushes the thought of forgotten lives to the side, focuses on now. The carnival is busy, full of people and full of life, and not many give them a second glance as the three of them wander. It is mid fall, one of the last nights that this will be open, and there is a slight chill to the air. Natasha does not mind it, finds the slight cold refreshing and it helps make James’ jacket less out of place, helps make the fact that his left hand stays in his pocket most of the night less odd. Clint does go ahead and win them both stuffed animals, a bear for James and a rabbit for Natasha, and they carry them around as they wander for just a bit longer._

_There seems to be no flicker of anything till they get ready to leave and suddenly their hawk pauses next to one of the food stands, the one selling funnel cakes. He has gone still and Natasha watches as he looks down at his arm for just a moment, at the small mark that is on it. One of his fingers touches it for just a moment and there is just a tiny flare of worry in Natasha that something is surfacing, that he is about to get ready to fight them again, and a phase is on the tip of her tongue just as he closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath. She is about to say it when he opens his eyes and speaks to them both._

_“Those smell really good. We should get a couple.”_

_It is such a simple request, spoken so eagerly, and if there had been a flash of memory, it had disappeared as quickly as it came and Natasha breathes out a small sigh of relief, one that is not very noticeable._

_“We can do that, hawk.”_

_James says this and Natasha knows that he is just as glad that their hawk did not remember now as she is. They do get a couple of the cakes, eat them on a bench just outside the main carnival grounds. All of their fingers get a little sticky and the rabbit gets left behind, but the keychain stays in her pocket and that night Clint curls up next to them as he has done so many nights before and Natasha is not as worried about the flickers of what had been for now._

Shocking Rogers has given her a little bit of time, just enough to leave the room, to leave the building and put a fair amount of distance between them. Natasha has no doubt that he is going to try to follow her, no doubt that he is going to try to interfere, but all that really matters right now is finding her boys. Hopefully, there has been enough time given that James has been able to talk Clint into leaving or has gotten him some other way. There is no reason to not have their Hawk back tonight.

Having both of her boys where they belong is Natasha’s main concern as she makes her way through the streets, as she moves towards the building James thought their hawk would chose for his perch. She didn’t even bother to try to get the files out of Rogers’ pocket when he had been stunned, they are coded and the volt may have made them useless anyway. All that really matters is getting Clint away from him, away from SHIELD, and keeping Rogers away from her James just in case he tries to get him to remember.

She can see the building now, looks up at the roof. There are figures there, four of them from the looks of it, and she is certain that Rogers is coming closer. There is a fire escape that leads to the roof and so Natasha makes her way to it, starts to climb it quickly. She can hear voices as she gets closer to the roof, knows that both of her boys are there. There will have to be choices made in the next few moments and Natasha is willing to do what it takes to have their hawk back with them.

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“Clint, are you alright?”

It is Sam’s voice, was Sam who collided into James and him just a few moments ago, knocked them down and separated them and Clint says he’s ok but he is really far from ok. Sam is helping him up now, hands him his bow and James is serval feet away from them and Clint knows that they only have a few moments before he is going to attack.

“Is Steve near?”

He asks now, needs to know if Steve is nearby, if he came with Sam. If he is here, maybe between the two of them they can get James to stop fighting long enough to maybe get something figured. There is a shake of Sam’s head as he moves a little closer to Clint, as he turns so he can get ready to fight if he needs to .

“I don’t know. We had company show and I got away from her but Steve stayed there.”

He is referring to Natasha, Clint has no doubt about that and there is worry flaring in Clint. Steve is fast and strong but Natasha is quick and smart and he has no idea what will happen if the two of them don’t hold back, if Natasha thinks Steve is a threat, if Steve has to keep himself from being killed.

“It may be a good idea for us to get off the roof.”

Clint’s thoughts are interrupted by a voice, one that just minutes ago he had thought he would never hear again, and there is a flash of hurt, of relief, of anger, of so much as Coulson comes closer to them, gun still raised in James’s direction who is getting up now.

“Who are you?”

Sam’s question comes quickly as he gives a glance over at Coulson and then another one towards James who is getting ready to move, has his hands on his knives.

“Someone I watched die, someone who was dead till just a few minutes ago.”

Clint says this as he fires an arrow at James’s feet to slow him down, one that he dodges out of the way of and Clint knows that there is anger in his voice but he doesn’t really care right now. Most of what he has known for these last few months have been a lie and Coulson was in on, one of the few people he trusted more than anything has lied to him for months and let him think he died from an attack Clint led.

“Phil Coulson, and Clint, we can talk later but first we have to get out of here.”

His voice is calm and Coulson is getting ready to take a shot at the soldier, at James when the first knife is thrown. Clint knocks Phil out of the way of it, even with the lies, he just watched the man die only a few months ago, he doesn’t want to do it again. There is one thrown towards Sam as well and he moves quickly out of its way, though it hits one of his wings. There is no knife thrown at Clint but it is clear from the way James is moving forward, that he has no plans of leaving this roof with out Clint.

The next few moments are chaos, James is on the attack, looking to subdue Clint and slow down or wound Phil and Sam, Sam is mostly on the defense, Coulson is looking to take a shot when there is a chance, and Clint is just trying to make sure no one gets hurt right now. He thinks that maybe he can end this, get James to stop attacking if he just agrees to go with him, when there is something out of the corner that catches his attention, a flash of red hair.

Natasha has made her way to the roof now, has just climbed up the fire escape and Coulson has noticed her as well. He has a clear shot, has raised his gun. She won’t be able to get out of the way quickly enough and Clint is close to Coulson but does not have an arrow ready to knock the gun out of his hand. A choice has to be made and Clint makes it without thought, steps forward just as the shot is taken and he hears the bang, sees Coulson pale just as he feels sharp pain rip through the upper part of his chest, near his left shoulder.

He has been shot before, there is a scar on his back as proof of it. That had been on a roof as well, Coulson there even, but that had been many years ago. Years ago, on a roof during the day, Clint took a shot through his back that was meant for Coulson and now tonight, Clint takes a shot from Coulson through his chest and he wonders exactly how it has come to this. He can feel his knees buckle now, can feel himself falling to the ground and there is a throbbing where the bullet went in. Clint seems to lurch forward just a bit and Phil moves almost as fast as Clint had fallen, is looking panic and grief stricken as he bends down, as his hands come to press against the wound. There is hardly any noise right now, it is almost silent as Clint tries to fight blacking out from the pain but then there is a voice that breaks the silence, words being shouted out.

“Slushayte yastreba.” 

There is just a second of darkness after those words and then everything is clear. There is blood pouring from his shoulder, a sharp pain, but it can be ignored for now. Someone is touching him, is trying to keep pressure on his wounds, but he doesn’t recognize the touch, doesn’t recognize the touch and he needs to get to the widow, to the soldier, and so it is nothing to knock those hands away, to grab ahold of his bow where it must have fallen, to get up. 

“Clint, fight it.”

 He doesn’t know that voice and it holds just a bit of desperation in it but it is not his concern. He needs to find the widow, find the soldier, needs to know what to do. Before he gets a chance to really look, he hears another statement. 

“My dolzhny uyti seychas.”

 

It is a simple order, spoken with the soldier’s voice and he can see him now, can see her as well, and so he follows the order, needs to leave this roof, leave with them. The next few moments are a blur, only one goal in mind, to leave this place. The man who spoke earlier tries to stop him and it is nothing to knock him away, to keep him from blocking their way. There is another man as well on the roof, one with what looks like wings on his back, and when he tries to move closer to them, an arrow is sent at him, one aimed at the wings so that they will be useless. Neither of them are killed, that is not the goal right now, the goal is to leave the roof and so that is what happens. The three of them climb down the fire escape.

 

There is still pain coming from his shoulder, wetness on it, but it will have to be seen to later. Leaving is what has to happen now. He keeps a hold of his bow, of his arrows. It had hurt to shoot early but he will do it again if it is needed. They are right beside him as they make their way to the alley floor and there is someone already there, a tall man with blond hair and shield is at the exit of the alley and it looks like he is not going to move.

 

He is in the way and they need to leave. It is a simple thing to grab one of his arrows, one of the ones with an explosive on it and he fires it quickly, right at the man. Whoever he is, he doesn’t have time to move, barely gets the shield up in time, and the force knocks him into one of the building and he is a crumpled heap, hurt but still alive.

 

The soldier has tensed up next to him when the man falls, does not move forward when he and the widow do, has paused, is staring at the man.

 

“James.”

 

The widow says this softly just as he starts to stumble a bit from the pain, from the loss of blood. Both things are enough to snap the soldier out of whatever state he was in, for him to move forward and wrap an arm around him, to help him walk forward. They are leaving, together, that is all that matters.

 

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	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy and reviews would be awesome.

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_The last time Bucky saw Steve was the day he shipped out, the last time he saw Steve that day he had gotten beaten up in an alley and Bucky had helped him clean up so that they could have one last double date. The last time Bucky saw Steve, he was going to try to enlist again. The last time Bucky saw Steve, they fought but left each other with a hug. The last time Bucky saw Steve, it was months ago and he was going off to war and now he may never see Steve again._

_It has been weeks since his unit was captured, weeks in this work camp, and Bucky knows now that he is more than likely never walking out of here again. When he had still been in the work lines, still in the cells, there had been hope that he may get out of here but then he got sick. He worked for as long as he could after that, the others in his cell trying to hide his illness but it was noticed and he was pulled from the cell one day, token to the hall that the screams come from, the hall no one returns from and Bucky expected to die that day. He hasn’t died yet but sometimes the pain makes him wish he had.   They are doing some kind of experiment here, using those that can’t work as test subjects and Bucky finds himself being poked and prodded, strange substances injected into him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t answer anything he is asked if he can help it, just repeats the information that he knows he can give without hurting anything, and waits to die. Death hasn’t come yet but sometimes he is allowed to sleep and that is when he dreams, when he sees Steve, and every time he wakes up, it hurts to know that he probably won’t ever see Steve again outside of dreams.   He knows that he probably won’t last much longer, the doctor has started to take an interest in him, in how long he has lasted so far and Bucky knows that no one has survived the man’s attention for long. He is strapped down and he finds himself talking,trying to stay awake because he knows if he goes to sleep now, there is a chance something will be done soon, he won’t wake up from and he can’t give up yet. Steve wouldn’t give up and so Bucky won’t._

_“Sargent.Three-two-five-five-seven.”_

_He mutters these words, just keeping saying them even though no one is here to hear them right now, even though he has been left alone. He has to keep saying them, has to stay awake, has to focus on something other than the pain. There are footsteps coming closer and he ignores them but then he is hearing something that is not so easy to ignore._

_“Bucky.”_

_He thinks he has fallen asleep again, it has been so long since he has heard that name, heard that voice outside of dreams that he is certain that he is sleeping again. He forces his eyes to look towards the voice and now he is almost sure he is asleep because there is blond hair and blue eyes and a face so very familiar to him. He knows he has to be dreaming but the straps are being loosened and he can’t help but start to ask a question._

_“Is that?”_

_“It’s me, Bucky, it’s Steve.”_

_There is such relief in hearing this, in seeing Steve and it feels real and Bucky can’t help but give a little smile, to say Steve’s name with all the happiness he feels right now. He has no idea how Steve can be here but he doesn’t care and he lets Steve help him off the table._

_“I thought you were dead.”_

_There is relief in Steve’s voice and Bucky is about to look him in the eye and tell him that it is all right but he realizes that he has to look up, that Steve is taller than him now, has changed some how._

_“I thought you were smaller.”_

_The words leave his mouth and Steve smiles at him just a bit as he grabs Bucky’s arm, helps him to start walking. There is a lot that needs to be explained, a lot that Bucky doesn’t understand yet, but there is one thing that is certain and that is that this is real. If it was a dream, than Steve would look just as he die when Bucky left him but he doesn’t. His friend has been changed somehow but it doesn’t matter. It is still Steve and Bucky does not hesitate to follow him away from the hall, listening as Steve tells him a little bit about what has happened._

_It doesn’t take long till there is a confrontation, till Bucky is on one side of the building and Steve the other and there is no bridge, nothing for Steve to walk across and he is telling Bucky to go, to leave, and that is something Bucky can’t do. He won’t leave Steve behind and so he doesn’t. He waits and Steve jumps and Bucky grabs his hand, holds on and Steve doesn’t fall. They make their way out, side by side, and Bucky promises him self that he will stay beside Steve as long as he can now that he has him again._

James stands frozen as he watches Rogers fall to the ally floor, as he collapses, his shield falling from his hands. It is on the ground just a little bit away now and Steve is in a heap, hurt but he is still breathing, still alive. The others start to move towards the exit but he does not, cannot. He just stares at the man, can almost picture this happening before, can see him differently. In his mind, he sees him still on an alley floor, in a heap but he is smaller and instead of a shield there is a trash can lid near him. The image is very strong and it makes something in James tighten up just a bit. He wants to go over there, offer his hand and help the man up, dust him off and make sure he is alright.  

“James.”

Natasha speaks the word softly, draws his attention away from Steve. She is looking over at him and there is just a hint of concern in her eyes. Their hawk is right next to her and he starts to stumble in his next step and it is enough to tear James away from the memories, from the worry about Rogers. He moves quickly, gets an arm around Clint to help support him. He is still triggered right now, will keep moving as long as they tell him to, but he has been shot, stepped in front of a bullet meant for Natasha. There is blood all over him, bright red, and his face is a bit pale. They will need to clean the wound, get the bullet out, but for now they need to leave and so James keeps ahold of Clint and starts to walk quickly with them. He spares one more glance at Steve before stepping away from him and a part of him wants to take him with them but he knows that it is not allowed.

They make their way through back alleys, careful not to draw attention, and James keeps an arm around Clint to help keep him steady. He pushes the thought of Steve away, knows that he has to leave him behind and it will do no good to dwell on him. Right now, they need to get out of here, get Clint’s wound taken care of and head out of this city, get somewhere safe and bring their hawk back to himself and so James walks quickly, makes sure Clint keeps pace and Natasha is in his sight.

It does not take long to make it to a somewhat secure location. They have Clint sit down and James tears the shirt away as Natasha gets the supplies to clean the wound and bandaged it. Clint sits so very still right now as James starts to dig the bullet out, just a bit of heavy breathing from the pain. They had told him to sit very still as they take care of him, had made sure to keep their orders in Russian as to not draw him out of this state yet, and he is calm as they clean the wound, as they get it bandaged up and they have him stay sitting, resting as they get things ready to leave.

It does not take long until they are in a vehicle, on their way out of the city. James drives and Natasha sits in the back with Clint, tells him to rest and soon enough he is sleeping, body worn out from the damage done to it and from that damage being ignored and pushed through. He can see them when he glances at the mirror. Natasha has Clint leaned against her, his head against her shoulder, her fingers in his hair but James can feel her eyes on him.

“He took the shot for me.”

Her words are spoken calmly but James can hear just a hint of amazement in them, just a hint of concern. Clint could have died on that roof tonight, died for Natasha, and they are both just a bit shaken by it. When Clint had stepped in front of the gun, when the bullet went into him, James had felt himself freeze, had felt his chest tighten and had been afraid that they were about to lose their hawk for good. He had called out the trigger without really thinking, just had to make sure that Clint left with them then. They will coax him out of it when they are safe but for now it is best that he remains as he is, asleep against Natasha and willing to listen to them with out hesitance. James makes sure to catch Natasha’s eye in the mirror after a few moments, speaks.

“We will take care of him, he should heal from it.”

He makes sure to make his voice steady, to make his words sound believable. There is still a small chance that the wound could get infected, not heal quickly enough, but Clint has the serum, should heal faster than others could and they will do what they can to make sure of it. Natasha gives a nod and then there are a few minutes of quiet before she speaks again.

“When Rogers fell, you stopped. Why?”

There is a hint of concern in her voice, also a bit of curiosity. He will not lie to her, not after everything and he knows that when their hawk is back to himself, he is going to want to talk about it as well.

“He was mine once and I never liked seeing him hurt. I don’t remember much yet but I remember that. I didn’t want to leave him there, leave him behind, but I am not allowed to keep him. “

His words are steady and they are the truth. He didn’t want to leave him there, leave him alone and hurt, but he is not supposed to keep him. Natasha is quiet and James risk a glance at her using the mirror and even in the dark he can see how worried she looks, how upset even if she is trying to mask it.

“It doesn’t change anything, doesn’t change us. I can’t have him and I am not going to leave you, either of you.”

James promises this and he can see just a little flash of relief cross Natasha’s face at these words. He changes the subject now, talks to her about what will be done when they get to the safe house, about what they need to do to keep their hawk with them. He can’t keep Steve but he is going to keep his hawk and his widow.

<><><><><> 

It takes a while for Steve to regain consciousness, for him to wake up. He feels a bit shaken from the explosion, from what happened right before. He had followed the widow, had made it to the ally he had thought he had seen her go to and when he got there, people were coming down the fire escape. He recognizes them right away but the state that Clint was in made him pause, freeze at the entrance. There was blood on him, what appeared to be a wound on his left shoulder, and when he looked over at Steve, it was eerily similar to how Bucky had looked at him early, the same look of no recognition. Before Steve could do much, Clint had an arrow pointed at him and he shot it so quickly, Steve barely had time to get the shield up, had caught some of the impact of the explosion and it had been enough to make him black out and now he finds himself coming to and everything feels like a mess right now.

“Hey, you need to sit up slowly, I don’t know how hurt you are.”

Sam’s voice and Steve can see him now, can feel his hands helping him to sit up. Steve looks at him and he looks ok, a little tired, a little bruised but he is alright, is alive and Steve allows a tiny bit of relief before he asks a question.

“Where’s Clint? What happened to him? ”

They are questions he isn’t sure Sam will have answers for but he has to ask. Last thing he remembers, Clint was covered in blood and not quite himself and he needs to find him, needs to figure out what is going on.

“I don’t where he is. We were on the roof, he got shot, some words were said and then he was attacking us, left with them. They did enough damage that some time passed before we could get off the roof and by that time, they were gone and you were in a heap. We brought you here, to your apartment and now that you are awake, we should be given some answers.”

Sam’s words have come out quickly and he had been looking Steve over the whole time that he had been talking. Steve has no idea who the we or us is that Sam keeps referring to and there is something else that he is focusing on right now, another question that needs to be asked.

“Who shot Clint?”

“I did.”

The answer comes from just a little bit away and the voice is one Steve recognizes and as he turns towards it, he finds that they aren’t the only ones in the apartment and there is a ghost here. Phil Coulson stands in his living room, hands covered in blood, skin pale and looking a bit shaken up but he is alive. It looks like there have been more lies and Steve can’t help the feeling of anger that rises in him and he knows that he needs answers now.

<><><><><> 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be translations at the bottom. Hope everyone enjoys.

<><><><><> 

“Do you want to tell us what the hell is going on? We were told you were dead.”

His voice holds a bit of an accusation in it and he has risen from the couch now, finds himself moving towards Coulson. Steve can’t help but feel a bit betrayed, angry at being lied to, angry that Clint has been lied to so much. Sam has moved with Steve, stands right next to him and Coulson doesn’t move any closer or farther away, just stands still, bloodied hands in front of him.

“I was, for a bit, but they were able to revive me. As for what is going on, that is a bit complicated and I don’t have all the answers. ”

Steve stares at him, takes one step closer to him before speaking again, voice slightly hard.

“I want the answers you have, starting with what happened on the roof and how Clint got shot.”

There is more that Steve needs to know but what led up to what happened in the ally is the most pressing right now. Coulson gives a brief nod and starts to speak, talks about finding out that the soldier and the widow were here, finding out about Fury and then tracing them here. He tells them of making it to the roof, of seeing the soldier holding Clint to him, of the soldier moving closer to the edge of the roof but not making it there.

“That’s when I showed up and things went south pretty quickly after that.”

Sam says this now, adds to the story when it is needed. They tell Steve of the fight on the roof, of the soldier attacking them and Clint fighting with them. Coulson refers to the soldier as simply that, the soldier and Steve notices that Sam does the same, has made mention of the fact it is Bucky. It is possible that Coulson doesn’t know and Steve isn’t sure he wants to tell him, isn’t sure how much he can trust yet.

“The widow showed up, came up the fire escape. I had her in my sight, had the shot lined up and that is when Clint stepped in front, took the shot for her. I think it was conditioned into him, to protect her.”

Coulson’s words make Steve think about what Clint said earlier. He had talked about how he hadn’t wanted to hurt them, how a part of him had wanted to leave with them. Whatever was done to him has had lasting effects and Clint had no idea, had not been given any real warning about it. They had simply wiped him and hoped to keep him away from the widow. It makes Steve angry again but he pushes it down, listens as Coulson keeps telling him about what happened before.

“He dropped and I put pressure to the wound and soon the soldier spoke to him, triggered him. He fought after that, fought with them, followed them and it was soon after that we found you. SHIELD is going to want you brought in, is going to want to question you.”

He says this last part simply and Steve shakes his head.

“I need to look for them. Clint was wounded, you shot him in the chest. We need to find him.”

His words hold just a bit of desperation, and it is the truth. There had been so much blood and Steve has no idea if Clint is alright.

“Would they take him to a hospital?”

Sam asks but Coulson shakes his head.

“No, they wouldn’t. Too easy to find him that way, they have probably headed out of the city already. The wound was bad but Clint should survive it, he heals fast.”

There is something about the way that Coulson says this that makes Steve thinks there is more to it than simple hope. There is a flash in his head of how bruises never seem to last on Clint, how he wasn’t as hurt after the battle of New York as he should have been, and a realization occurs to him.

“Clint is enhanced and he has no idea.”

Coulson gives a nod and there is more anger welling up in Steve. Another secret kept from Clint and it makes Steve hurt for him even more and he finds himself taking another step towards Coulson, feels himself tense up a bit.

“After we found him, we tested his blood. It looks like he has a version of the serum. Only a few people know, Fury, me, a few doctors. Most of what happened to Clint was kept under wraps, we weren’t sure who we could trust with it.”

He can’t hold the anger back any more and Steve finds himself grabbing ahold of Coulson by the shoulders now, his grip tight as his words come out full of anger.

“And you both decided that Clint couldn’t be trusted with it, couldn’t know what had happened to him. You wiped him and lied and hoped he would never find out.”

Coulson doesn’t fight his grip and Sam is watching them both with caution. Coulson takes a breath and then he speaks, looking into Steve’s eyes the whole time, a little bit of guilt in them.

“We did the only thing we thought we could. They broke him, Captain, broke him down till he had no idea who he was and we had no idea how to undo it. It seemed better to give him a blank slate and help him figure things out than to leave him like that. We did the best we could.”

Coulson’s voice sounds almost desperate, like he is trying to convince himself as well as Steve. Everything is such a mess and Steve has no idea what to say right now, has no idea how to fix things, how to find Clint, how to find Bucky and Coulson is here, proof of all the lies that have happened. He is still trying to figure out what to say when a noise catches all of their attention and the door is pushed aside again and Steve finds his apartment filling up with others now, the strike team back here. Their guns are drawn but they make no move to shoot yet and Steve lets go of Coulson’s shoulders, turns as Rumlow speaks.

“Everyone here is needed for questioning. Will you come along alright?”

Steve looks over at Sam who gives him just a nod, a signal that he is willing to follow Steve’s lead. It has been a long night and he still isn’t sure what to do and so for now he says yes, they will go for questioning and as Steve lets himself be led out of the apartment, he just hopes that he can get things figured out, that he can Bucky and Clint, that he can get to the bottom of what is going on with SHIELD.

<><><><><> 

_When Clint wakes up he hears a beeping and there is a dull pain in his back. There is an iv in his arm and he is staring at white walls. He remembers the roof, the sound of the gun shot, remembers having to run with blood dripping down his back and Coulson telling him not to pass out when they got inside the vehicle. It gets a bit fuzzy after that and he is pretty sure that he didn’t listen and now here he is, in a bed with various things hooked up to him, back tapped up, and he feels a bit loopy, probably from blood loss and whatever drugs are in his system._

_“If you wanted time off mission, you could have asked instead of getting shot.”_

_The words come from right next to him and Clint turns his head and sees Coulson sitting right next to him. There is a cup of coffee in his hands and his suit is rumpled. There is a strong possibility that he has been here just as long as Clint has._

_“Too much paper work with vacation requests, this seemed easier.”_

_The joke comes naturally, he has gotten used enough to Coulson to joke like this, to tease. The man is more than just his handler at this point, has become a close friend, probably one of the few people Clint trusts with all he has and that is why he did what he did on the roof, why he is now in this bed._

_Coulson gives a sigh but it almost sounds like it is of relief, not annoyance for once. He speaks to Clint now, a tired smile on his face._

_“Well, you have gotten yourself a few weeks off of field duty but one of those will probably be spent here and I’m sure Fury will find something for you to do, probably involving a desk.”_

_Clint hates desk work but he has no doubts that Fury will do it, will make him sit out a few weeks. It is an annoyance but it is almost nice having a boss that sort of cares about what happens to him, a boss that is as close to a friend as Clint can get. He pushes the thought of Fury away, focuses on speaking with Coulson now._

_“Everything get cleared away?”_

_He asks now, needs to make sure that the rest of the mission went all right after he got shot. Coulson gives him a brief run down of what happened from the roof till now, tells Clint that they got everything that they needed, that the bullet had to be dug out and there will be a scar but he should recover all right. Clint tries to pay attention but he is starting to feel a little unfocused, is still a bit doped up and tired. Coulson sees this and he stops in his debriefing._

_“We can go over everything else later, you still need to rest. I’m just going to say one more thing before I let you rest.”_

_Coulson makes sure he has Clint’s eyes, takes just a pause now before speaking again, voice soft but serious._

_“I was almost shot today, you stopped it. Thank you but I want you to know that it is not part of your job to take a bullet for me, don’t feel like you have to. I want you to stick around a while.”_

_The thanks is sincere just as the concern for Clint is. There is something nice about it and Clint gives just a bit of a smile._

_“I’m not planning on going anywhere but to sleep right now, you don’t have to worry.”_

_He closes his eyes after this and he can feel Coulson’s hand go to his arm briefly and squeezes it for just a moment, a touch that tells Clint that he won’t be alone when he wakes up again._

He wakes when the vehicle stops, wakes to the widow’s gentle voice telling him it is time to move again. He feels stiff, sore, the ache in his chest still there, but he does as he is told, moves out with them, follows to where they lead, somewhere safe. There is a feeling of tiredness and he feels like there is something he should be thinking about right now, something that he has forgotten, but it is easier to listen, to do as he is told.

When they make it inside, everything is checked over, everything is safe, they are safe and they lead him to a room right away, have him sit down. His bandage is removed, the wound looked over once again and he can hear them speak softly as they clean it and rewrap it.

“Eto istseleniye , no on poblednel.On poteryal mnogo krovi.”

 

There is a hint of concern in the widow’s voice but the soldier’s voice is steady when he answers her.

 

“My mozhem zamenit' yego. My dadim yemu moy snova.” They get things ready after that and soon he is led to a bed, told to lay down and give them his arm. He does and there is a sharp prick, a needle, an iv, inserted and he watches as the same is done to the soldier. He lays there for a while, minutes passing, the line of red flowing into his arm and the widow next to him, fingers carding through his hair gently. There is still a tug in his mind, like he should be doing something besides just sitting here and his mind flickers to what happened before, to the roof, to the alley. There is a flash of the blond man, of the one he shot and there is a thought about what happened to him, if he is alright, but he isn’t sure why it matters.

 

“Dostatochno bylo dano. My dolzhny vyvesti yego iz neye.”

 

The widow’s voice draws him out of his thoughts and looks over at the soldier who is looking at him, gives the widow a nod before speaking.

 

“Dayte yemu chto-nibud' ot boli vo-pervykh, pomoch' yemu otdokhnut' posle.”

 

The widow’s fingers leave his hair now and she gets up, returning quickly with some pills and a glass of water. He takes them when she hands them over, swallows them down with out thought, drinks down the whole glass of water. She takes the glass from him, sits back down and puts her fingers back in his hair. The soldier removes the iv from his own arm and as he does so, he speaks to him, makes sure that they have eye contact.

 

“Eto vse pryamo seychas, yastreb . Vy v bezopasnosti.”

 

Something about those words are making something in him shift just a bit, makes him tense up just slightly. Natasha’s fingers stay in his hair, rubbing soothing circles there and James is moving closer, takes the iv out of his arm now, speaks again as he does so.

 

“It is all right now, hawk. You are safe.”

The line is out of his arm and it feels like a fog is starting to lift. James moves his fingers to the crook of his arm, traces where the iv had just been and he can feel himself shaking slightly even as James soothes him with soft words.

 

“You are safe, Clint. We are all safe, it is going to be all right.”

 

Clint, that is who he is, and it feels like a fog is lifting from his head right now. Things are starting to feel clearer, he feels less hazy though he is still worn and his chest aches. He knows where he is, who he is with, who he is, and what has happened is starting to drift into his mind though it feels fuzzy.

 

“You triggered me.”

 

He says this simply and there is no anger in his voice, he just sounds tired. James nods his head, still has his fingers on his arm.

 

“We needed you to leave with us, you took a shot meant for me, were hurt. It was easier this way.”

 

There is a hint of apology in Natasha’s voice and her fingers are still stroking his hair and she shifts just a bit closer to him, like she is worried he is going to move away if their bodies aren’t touching. James shifts as well, moves so he is next to Clint now, is still touching him. He is in-between them and it feels familiar, feels safe, and Clint can’t make himself move away from them even as everything starts to come into focus, as he remembers the roof fully, the alley.

 

“I shot Steve.”

 

He says this out loud as the realization occurs and he feels horror stricken, feels sick in this moment. Steve who has done nothing wrong, who was only trying to help him, and Clint had shot him like it mean nothing, like he was an obstacle in the way. James tenses up next to him and then he is speaking, voice reassuring.

 

“He was alive when we left, they were all alive when we left.”

 

He shot Steve, attacked Sam, attacked Coulson, Phil. Just this day he had thought Coulson dead and then he had appeared on the roof and Clint can remember his face now when the bullet had hit him, when he had been shot. He feels so tired and the gun had been aimed at Natasha and he had made a choice and then they made a choice. He is angry, but the anger is dull right now and not all of it is at them. They hold him tight right now and he should hate them, wants to hate them, but they did nothing that wasn’t already done to them, and James was once Steve’s and they are both his. There are so many thoughts running through his head right now and they are warm beside him and he is so tired.

 

“Hawk, you need to rest.”

 

James’s voice again but it isn’t an order, spoken more like a request. He wants to fight, wants to make them talk more, wants to figure out what the hell is supposed to happen now but he is so tired and he lets himself lean back with them, lets James settle his head on his chest, lets Natasha settle down by his side, her movements careful to not touch his wound. He can feel himself start to drift and he asks one more question now.

 

“ Are you going to break me again?”

 

There is just a hint of fear in his voice but Natasha’s voice is steady when she answers.

 

“Only if we have to.”

 

It sounds like a promise, a vow, and he isn’t sure that he should trust her words but he feels his eyes start to close and he feels right here, right with them and he lets himself fall asleep next to them and it feels like what he has been missing for a long time.

 

<><><><><> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eto istseleniye , no on poblednel.On poteryal mnogo krovi.  
> -It is healing but he is pale. He has lost a lot of blood
> 
> My mozhem zamenit' yego. My dadim yemu moy snova.  
> -We can replace it. We will give him mine again 
> 
> Dostatochno bylo dano. My dolzhny vyvesti yego iz neye .  
> \- Enough has been given. We should bring him out of it.
> 
> Dayte yemu chto-nibud' ot boli vo-pervykh, pomoch' yemu otdokhnut' posle .  
> -Give him something for the pain first, to help him rest. 
> 
> Eto vse pryamo seychas, yastreb . Vy v bezopasnosti.  
> – It is all right now, hawk. You are safe.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have a bit more and thank you for all the support you have given this story.

<><><><><> 

_“You almost got hit today.”_

_Bucky’s words are soft as he lays next to Steve, as he lets his fingers rest on Steve’s chest, as he feels the steady beat of his heart. They are a bit away from the others right now and Bucky lets himself have this moment, this reassurance because no one else is looking and someone almost shot Steve today and he needs the touch, needs to know that Steve is still ok, just like he used to when he had been sick. Steve doesn’t seem to get sick anymore, he is stronger now, bigger, heals fast but there is still a very good chance that he wouldn’t survive a shot to the head and that is what has Bucky a little shaken up now. It has always been his job to protect Steve, a duty that he gave himself all those years ago when they were kids in that ally, and today had been a close call and Bucky just needs to touch Steve, to feel that he is whole and unharmed._

_“I didn’t. You were there.”_

_Steve says this simply and his fingers are now on top of Bucky’s. The touch is slightly different now, the fingers a little longer, a little sturdier, but they still feel like Steve’s, still feel like an artist’s fingers even if Steve doesn’t have as much time to draw now._

_“I just worry one day I won’t be.”_

_He says this softly, confesses it now. He worries about having to leave Steve, about them being separated. He knows that more than likely it will happen sometime, by death or something else, and he doesn’t like the idea of leaving Steve alone. He pushes the thought out of his head right now, lays his head down on Steve’s shoulder, needs a little more touch. If everything was like it was before, back home, back when Steve was small, he would have moved so that Steve had his head on his shoulder but things are different now. It is different laying like this but it still feels nice and Bucky lets himself have it for now._

_“I don’t think I can get rid of you. I think we are stuck together.”_

_Steve says this, tone light but it sounds reassuring. Bucky knows that things will change a bit, they won’t be able to be everything to each other like they were for so long but they will be a part of each other’s lives and that has to be enough. He keeps himself close to Steve and lets himself fall asleep._

Their hawk’s breathing is steady, he is at rest, lays between them. It has been too long since they have been able to hold him and it is nice to have it again, to have him beside them as he should be. James has his flesh fingers on their hawk’s chest, can feel his heart beat under them. It is a reassurance for him, a way to remind him that they did not lose their hawk tonight. He has done this before, with Clint, with Natasha, and now there is a memory of doing it with Steve, of holding him close and just making sure he was safe. He tries to push it aside, focus on what is here now, his widow, his hawk. It is not a simple thing to push aside and he remembers Clint’s words on the roof, knows that his past with Rogers is not going to be pushed aside as easily as he would like. He speaks about it now to Natasha, needs her to know so that they can prepare for how their hawk may deal with it.

 

“When we were on the roof, he asked if he should call me Bucky now, knows about who I may have been. He may bring it up when he wakes, he didn’t want to leave Ste.., Rogers .”

He forces himself to use the last name, needs to try to separate the idea of his Steve from the Rogers who is here now. He can’t have him now and neither can Clint, it is something that their hawk will have to accept and James just hopes that he can without having to be broken again.

 

Natasha is looking at him right now and James can see the way she shifts just a bit, moves herself even closer to Clint, touches a bit more of him. It does not wake Clint and he doesn’t shift away from her touch.

 

“Do you think he will try to leave, go back to Rogers if there is a chance?”

 

She asks the question and James takes a moment to think about it. Clint is back with them now but he remembers the life he had before them, the life he had these last few months without them, and though he is still theirs, it is not as simple as it was before.

 

“He may but we will not let it happen. He cares for him but he took the shot for you. We are his choice, he belongs with us, we just have to make sure he realizes it as well.”

 

Clint can’t be allowed to choose to go back to Steve, to go back to SHIED, Pierce made that obvious to James earlier. Natasha gives a nod and a few moments pass before she speaks again, voice soft and sure.

 

“Rogers could prove to be a problem, if an order is given about the captain, I can do it, even if it is given to you.”

 

He understands what she is offering, the choice she is giving him. He can’t keep Steve but if it comes down to it, he will not have to be the one to destroy him. He leans forward and gives her a kiss now, is careful not to lean on their hawk so his wound is not disturbed. He pulls away from her after, doesn’t need to say anything else about that. He and Natasha speak for just a few minutes more now, talk about what will need to be done in the next few days, what steps need to be taken to keep their hawk with them. Natasha finds her own rest after that but James stays awake for a little longer, holds both of them, and tries not to think about how he used to hold someone else a long time ago.

<><><><><> 

_All three of them have scars, little reminders of mistakes made, of wounds taken. They touch each other’s scars at times, fingers or lips tracing them, nails or teeth scraping them. Natasha always likes to run her fingers over the marks on her boys, like to put her touch on them. Sometimes, she tries to mark the scars that came before her, likes to leave bruises on them, likes to leave her claim on them. The bruises never last long but for the most part, Natasha does not mind. There doesn’t need to be marks on their skin for her to know that they are hers._

_Their hawk has the most scars, bunches of them collected from a lifetime, scars collected through years of surviving. They had learned the stories behind most of them before they broke him, before they stripped the stories away from him. He has collected a few more since becoming theirs, the most prominent the one on his side, the one that made them take measures to ensure he would not scar quite as easily. There are times when Clint will run fingers over his own scars, will look at them as if trying to place just where they came from. Sometimes, he will ask about them and they will either tell him little pieces of truth or distract him from it but sometimes he just looks at them and then away. Natasha always feel a bit of relief when he looks away from his old marks, when he doesn’t ask about them._

_James has marks, not as many as he should. He is durable, heals faster, but there are still a few scars, still a few reminders of what has happened to him before. Where his shoulder meets his metal arm is the most marked area. There are small scars there, so many little raised lines where flesh meets steel, feathering out till the skin turns smooth again. The first time they had gone to bed together, Natasha had ran her fingers over them, had asked if he could feel it. He had told her once that he could not feel as much with the metal, that there wasn’t as much sensation when it was touched and she wanted to know how far the feeling of numbness extended. There had been a slight shiver at her touch and he had told her yes, he can feel the scars. She had moved her lips across them as well that night, had placed soft kisses there, and he still enjoys it when she does it sometimes now, enjoys it when their hawk does it as well._

_There are a few scars on Natasha’s body, less than both of her boys, more care taken to keep it unmarked for the most part. She is weapon just like they are but she is also a lure, a trap. She is beautiful and she uses that to her advantage, hides her strength behind a dainty frame and a shy smile. There have been a few scars left, ones that are small, almost unnoticeable for the most part. They get traced as well, by flesh and by metal, and Natasha does not mind them that much, they make her feel more real._

_“How did you get this?”_

_Their hawk asks as his thumb traces the small scar on her shoulder. He has asked about some of her scars before, has asked about some of James’s, but this is the first time he has asked about this one. James lays behind her and she can feel him shift just a bit as the question is asked, looking to see what Clint is asking about. It is the scar that came from an arrow, came from their hawk before he was theirs. Natasha gives an answer._

_“I was shot, dug it out myself. It happened years ago.”_

_It is the truth, perhaps not all of it, but the truth none the less._

_“Doesn’t look like a bullet wound.”_

_Clint says this simply. His thumb is still rubbing against it and he has no idea that he is the one that placed it there._

_“It wasn’t a bullet.”_

_Natasha says this , won’t tell him it was an arrow. He looks up at her and there is a hint of curiosity in his eyes but she simply leans forward, kisses him. He returns it, moves his hand away from the scar now. James stays where he is, watches them. She kisses and touches their hawk, distracts him from asking any more questions about the past for tonight._

Natasha is in the bed next to Clint when he wakes, James in another room taking care of contacting someone. She doesn’t move away as he starts to move just a bit, as his eyes blink open. Instead, she stays right next to him, curls around him just a bit, lays her head on his shoulder. He tenses up just a bit but doesn’t move away from her and she looks at him and she sees so much of their Clint here, so much of their hawk even if he is a little bit different now, even if he knows more than just the life they gave him now.

“It is all starting to come back, isn’t it?”

She asks, doesn’t really need him to answer but he does.

“Yes. I remember I was sent to kill you, shot you here.”

There is a hint of shakiness to his voice and his fingers come to her shoulder, touches where his arrow marked her so long ago. His touch is gentle and she has missed it, missed him.

“You made a different call.”

She says this and he gives a bit of a nod, does not move his fingers away from her scar yet.

“I wanted to give you a chance, a choice.”

She remembers him speaking about that, remembers when he offered it to her, and she almost wants to ask him why he wanted to give that to her. It shouldn’t matter, it was all so long ago and she hadn’t taken his offer, had made a different choice and made him theirs.

“You don’t get to make a lot of choices, do you?”

His voice is less shaky now and he is looking at her straight in the eyes. It is a simple truth, one that she has accepted long ago, Natasha doesn’t get many choices, none of them do.

“I chose you, I chose James. That is all that matters, the three of us together.”

Her voice is strong and she doesn’t look away from his gaze. As far as Natasha is concerned, as long as she has her boys, the rest of the world can burn.

“Where is James?”

He asks now, eyes moving around the room now and his hand leaves her shoulder now. She moves her hand to his chest, to the bandage there, as she answers.

“He is seeing to something else right now. This needs changed. We can talk more after.”

She sits up and Clint does as well. The bandage will be changed and James should be back by the time it is and the three of them can talk. Clint is tense, less pale than the night before but still looks worn. He will need time to heal, to rest, and that will give them time to discuss everything, to find out how he will fit now, to tell him the truths that they didn’t before. He is theirs and Natasha will not let him go.

<><><><><> 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a bit more, we may be with Clint/James/Natasha for a while but I promise that we will get back to Steve at some point. Hope you enjoy.

_There has not been word from the widow for a while, for far too long, and it is time for the soldier to go and find her. He starts to gather up what he will need, makes certain that his knives are sharp and he can feel his hawk’s eyes on him now, watching him, and James speaks simply._

_“Something is wrong.”_

_He knows that Clint will know that he is talking about Natasha, will know why the soldier will have to leave for a little while. Clint starts to gather up a few things, speaks as he moves closer to James._

_“What is the plan? Do you think it was SHIELD?”_

_The question makes James pause, makes him look at Clint. It could be SHIELD, there are parts of SHIELD that aren’t Hydra, parts that have been looking for them. If SHIELD are the ones responsible for whatever may have happened to Natasha, then James needs to take care of it quickly._

_“I will find her. If it was SHIELD, you need to stay low.”_

_He has no intention of putting their hawk in SHIELD’s path. Clint shakes his head at James’s words, a stubborn look entering his eyes as he speaks._

_“I will look for her as well. We are in this together.”_

_He sounds so sure, so willing to help find Natasha, but James is not certain that he should._

_“If I let you go after SHIELD, possibly on your own, you may not return .”_

_James reaches forward as he says these words, draws Clint to him and holds him tight. There is a hint of worry in his voice that he does not hide right now. He has settled in with them now, is just as much the soldier’s now as the widow has been all these years, and James does not want to lose him._

_“I will do all that I can to come back.”_

_Clint says this, voice steady and sure and James wants to believe him. He knows Clint is theirs but it wasn’t always so and there is fear that his past may surface, may make him fight them again._

_“I do not know if you should look, Hawk, I need to know one of you is safe.”_

_He wants this to be enough to keep his hawk here, to keep him from going after SHIELD but the stubbornness is still in his eyes. James knows that there are other ways to keep him, to keep him away from SHIELD but he is unsure about them. There is the chamber, the icy sleep that James has had before but he does not wish to do that to him and he is uncertain if it would be a good idea to have a Hydra handler look after him._

_“We need to find her, she is ours and I will not let harm come to her. ”_

_Clint’s words are insistent and he hasn’t moved from James’s arms. He looks at his hawk, thinks about it for a few moments before deciding that there is little choice. Clint will help look for Natasha and the soldier will do all that he can to make sure both of them come home to James._

James contacts Hydra, gives a very quick debriefing. He states facts, gives a summary of what happened, tells them that Clint was secured but injured in the process, that they managed to make it to a safe house. He keeps it short, matter of fact, no emotion coloring his words. They expect the soldier and that is who James gives them, make certain to leave a few details out. He tells about Rogers coming to the alley but he does not speak about Clint talking to him about Steve, does not give any hint that he has any idea who Steve once was to him. They cannot know that memories are starting to come back, that he knows who he once was, that he is aware he was once against them. They will do much to keep their weapons, James learned that long ago and he cannot risk that he will lose himself or lose them and a part of him doesn’t want to lose the flashes of Steve that are returning.

He is told that they are to stay where they are, that they will be contacted when needed, and that is all that is said. There was no mention of Rogers, of Steve and James knows to not ask about him. It is too much of a risk but he wishes that he had information about him, that he could be certain that he is safe. He wants Steve to be safe even if he can’t keep him anymore. He pushes thoughts of Steve aside for now, needs to check on those that he can keep and so he makes his way back to them, hopes that Clint will not be too stubborn now that he is no longer triggered.

<><><><> 

_“Would you like these to come off?”_

_The widow, Natasha, asks as she runs her fingers over the knuckles of one of his hands, moves them to his pinky and ring finger, to the bandages and splints there. They have been on his fingers for a while and there is a reason why they are there, a reason why his fingers have been broken, but he can’t quite think of it. He had to go to the chair a little while ago, has been repeating his list in his head, but why his fingers are broken is not on the list and so it must not be important. The things on the list are important, he knows this, and she is on the list so he answers her question._

_“Yes. My fingers itch.”_

_His answer gets him a small smile from her. He likes her smiles, has been seeing them more lately. Her fingers move back to his knuckles now, away from the bandages, and her skin is soft and warm against his._

_“We will take them off then.”_

_It is the soldier, James, that says this now, his voice in Clint’s ear. The three of them are laying together, Clint in between the other two, like they do almost every time after he has to go to the chair. It is nice, laying with them though sometimes he wants to move away, sometimes it doesn’t quite feel right, but they are on his list. Their names and faces are the only things that don’t seem to fade away after he is in the chair, the only things he has. He is starting to think that they have always been his but he isn’t always sure about that. There are flickers of things, other words on the list that aren’t about them, but those are starting to seem less and less important as days pass. What is in this room is important, nothing else seems to matter as much. He focuses on them, on sitting up and letting Natasha take off the bandages. When she is finished, when his fingers are free from their splint, she lifts them up to her lips, places a soft kiss along them. Her lips are warm and soft and familiar against his skin._

_“You should move them, tell us if they hurt.”_

_James says this after Natasha lets go of his fingers. He gives a nod but first he scratches his fingers, finally able to get rid of the itch he has had for a while. Once the itch is gone, he starts to flex them, to move them back and forth slowly. They are a little stiff and look pale but there is not really any pain._

_“They feel fine so far.”_

_He says this and it gets him a nod from James. He moves them for a little while, lets Natasha take them again and squeezes them gently, checking to make sure that they have set correctly. Her fingers stay on his, the pressure still there and there is a hint of fear in him now, a worry, and he is not sure why. He doesn’t try to move them away but he does tense up a bit and they both notice. Natasha’s grip loosens and James brings himself closer to Clint, puts his flesh and blood hand on his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly._

_“You are mending now. The break was needed but not anymore. You are ours.”_

_Natasha says this, lets go of his fingers now, leans forward a bit as she speaks, a piece of hair falling in front of her face.There is a part of him that wants to say that he isn’t theirs but he doesn’t know why. His list flashes through his mind one more time and their names are on it, they are here and nothing else really seems that important as he leans forward and tucks Natasha’s hair behind her ear, as James continues rubbing little circles on his shoulder. They are here and he wants them and that is all that matters._

Clint sits still as Natasha starts to change his bandage, as her fingers pull off the tape holding the old one in place. Her touch is gentle, soft, but he knows that it isn’t always that way, that she is dangerous, but right now she is being careful with him, with how she touches his wound. She starts to wash it, touch still soft, tender in a way, and he is starting to remember just how familiar this is, just how many times she has washed blood off of him, not always his own. This is familiar, being taken care of by her and he doesn’t say anything as she cleans the wound, just sits and thinks.

There is a bit of pain right now, pain coming from his shoulder, from the wound. He still feels a bit out of it, is still trying to adjust to everything going on, to the memories that are coming back. Everything is a mess, he has been shot, attacked friends, shot Steve and now he is with two people he should hate but he can’t. He has no idea where they are other than a safe house, has no way of getting out of here, and has no idea if he will be able to find out about Steve, to contact him. He is still thinking about just what the hell he has managed to get himself into when Natasha speaks, interrupts his thoughts.

“Do you want something for the pain?”

He shakes his head no. He should be careful about what he takes from them, could have already been drugged. It still feels a bit fuzzy but everything that happened while he was triggered is starting to become clearer and he had taken some pills from her then, swallowed them down without any concern. He thinks they were just for the pain, maybe an antibiotic as well but he can’t be sure. Natasha doesn’t say anything to his denial, just keeps cleaning his wound. There are a few moments of silence and then Clint breaks them with a question.

“What happens now?”

Natasha looks at him now, stills in her task but she does not answer him. Instead, another voice gives him his answer.

“You rest, you heal, and then in a few days we move elsewhere, just like before.”

James enters through the door and Clint looks at him, looks over every bit of him again. He knows him, remembers him from before now and he also knows who he used to be, remembers the stories Steve told him about him. There is so much that needs to be said, that needs to be asked, and he wants to ask about Steve but Clint focuses on what was said just now.

“So what, things are just supposed to go back to how they were before, I just go back to being yours and forget everything else? It isn’t that simple.”

There is anger in his voice but not as much as there should be. His words are the truth, things can’t simply go back to what they were before, it isn’t that simple. James comes closer to them, brings a chair and sits it right next to Clint. Natasha has taken a dry cloth to his wound now, wiping any remaining water off of it as she speaks.

“You do not have to forget everything else, you just need to remember that you are ours. You can’t go back, hawk, your place is with us. ”

Her fingers are still gentle and there is possession in her words. James shifts in his seat, brings himself closer to Clint, places his flesh hand on Clint’s shoulder. His touch is warm, familiar and Clint had missed this even when he didn’t know it was gone. He should move away from the touch, should deny her words, but he can’t, he just sits still right now, thoughts a mess as Natasha moves the cloth away now.

“You are safe, we will take care of each other, just like before.”

James says this and there doesn’t seem to be any lie in his voice. The words are similar to what was said earlier, to the ones that were used to pull him out of his triggered state and he isn’t sure what to say right now, can’t look at either of them right now. His eyes look down instead, sees his own chest, sees the wound there and it makes his breath catch just a bit, makes a new concern rise.

It is red, a bit irritated and angry looking and there is some bruising around it but it doesn’t quite look like it should. Clint has seen a lot of bullet wounds, knows what they look like fresh and this does not look like it happened less than a day or so ago. There is redness, yes and bruising but neither look fresh, and it hurts but not as much as it should. The lack of a lot of pain could be leftover from whatever he took earlier but it still does not explain the wound looking more healed than it should. He has seen this type of healing before, Steve heals incredibly fast, James does as well and Natasha even heals faster than average but they are all enhanced, all have some version of the super solder serum. Clint has nothing like that but then he looks away from his wound, looks at the crock of his arm where just last night there had been an iv, where there should be a small bruise from the needle but there isn’t.

“You gave me your blood last night.”

He says this, remembers now all the blood that dripped down his shoulder after the bullet went in, remembers the iv being placed in his arm. He should feel a lot worse than he does now but he feels alright for the most part, some pain and a bit worn and shaken from everything that has happened, but not as bad as he should. James still hasn’t moved his fingers from Clint’s shoulder and he speaks now.

“I did, just like I have before.”

His metal fingers touch Clint’s side, touches a scar there and Clint realizes now just how much his time with them changed him. His bruises heal quickly, some marks that he thought would bruise never did, and he could almost keep up with Steve when they would train together.

“You made me like you.”

Clint breaths the words out, knows just how true they are. They broke him and healed him, made him fit into their world, and even now after he knows just how much was done to him by them, he can’t hate them. He is angry, a bit hurt, but he can’t hate them and he doesn’t move away from them.

“It was needed.”

Natasha says this simply as she wraps up Clint’s wound fingers still soft and gentle. James’s fingers are rubbing Clint’s shoulder now and those words have been said to him before by them, many times and there is a flare of anger and a flare of sadness at them.

“The wipes and the trigger, those were needed as well, weren’t they? ”

He asks now about everything they did to him before, about why they did it. They said before they won’t keep things from him now and he wants to know how much truth there was in that.

“You could not be allowed to go back to Fury’s SHIELD, we had orders and we made a different call. There were certain accommodations that had to be made, certain guidelines that had to be followed so that we could keep you. Do you want to know about them now?”

James asks and Clint does want to know, there is so much he wants to know but this seems like a good place to start so he gives a nod. Natasha starts to put the supplies away and James moves his fingers away from his shoulder now. They have him move to the bed now, lay down next to him as they start to tell him about finding his first arrow, about the orders to kill him, about deciding to keep him instead, about breaking him. There are still a few things that are not being said, something about their handlers and it is something that Clint will need to know soon but for now he listens as they explain everything they did, as they explain just how he became theirs.

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	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, hope people are still reading.

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_Natasha gets herself ready, makes certain that her mask is firmly in place as she grabs the laundry basket, makes certain it is full. She has been watching Rogers even before she moved here yesterday, has started tracking his movements and if her timing is right, she will be able to run into him in a few minutes. It is always good to get an impression of your enemy before facing them and Rogers is an enemy even if he isn’t aware of it, aware of them. She wants to see him, wants an idea of who he is besides what they already know, and this seems like the best way. She makes her way out of the apartment now, starts to make her way towards the stairs. She can hear him coming now and she puts herself in position. It is not difficult, Rogers seems lost in thought and soon enough he runs into her._

_Natasha could catch herself, stop her fall, but she wants to see what Rogers will do so she doesn’t, lets herself lose her footing. Strong arms grab ahold of her, preventing her from falling but he basket does fall, clothes going everyway. Rogers helps her to regain her footing, gives her a bit of an apologetic look as he speaks._

_“Sorry about that, let me help you. Steve Rogers by the way.”_

_He bends down after, starts to pick up her cloths and Natasha does the same, still watching him, assessing him._

_“Thanks. I have heard of you. You were quite the news item for a while.”_

_She says this simply, accompanies it with a smile that Rogers looks at. It would be more difficult to pretend to not know who Rogers is, Captain America has been in the news since the battle, since the world found out about the hero who was lost instead of dead. She holds her hand out now as she speaks again._

_“I just moved in. Natalie Rushman.”_

_He takes her hand, gives it a shake. His grip was firm but not too tight and she is looking him over now, getting a bit of a read on him. She asks him If he live in the building, gets a nod as he continues helping her gather up her clothes._

_“It seems nice, glad to finally have a place without a roommate. You by yourself here?”_

_She knows that he isn’t and he shakes his head just a bit as he speaks again._

_“I have a friend staying with me.   I am sure you will see him around sometime.”_

_There had been hesitation right before he said friend, just a bit of one. She wonders the exact nature of his relationship with their hawk, is pretty sure from what they know so far that it is more than just friends. Everything is picked up and she knows that she should not let this encounter last too long and so she gives him another smile as she picks up her basket, as she gets ready to leave and plants seeds for a future encounter._

_“Maybe when I’m more settled in, you and your friend can come over to dinner sometime.”_

_If she can get them to come over it would be an easy way to secure Clint and Rogers tells her maybe before he leaves, tells her that he will see her around. She makes her way down to the laundry room now, goes over everything she has just observed in her mind. It will take a little more time but she will get an accurate assessment of Rogers, of how much of a threat he is, and then they can come up with more concrete plans to get their hawk back._

About two days have passed since the roof, since they brought their hawk here, and the time has been spent making him rest, telling him the truth of before, discovering how much has changed in their months apart. The memories they took from him before are back now and his life with them is just returning and Natasha knows that it will take time for him to adjust again. It will happen, he is still theirs, and they will not hide anything from him now. They told him the truth earlier when he had asked about their past, about what they did to him before and why, but they were careful with their words, have not told him everything yet. They had spoken about the restrictions given to them by their handlers but had not mentioned who they were, spoke a little bit about how they were both broken as well but did not speak of who James was before, have been careful not to speak of Rogers, but Natasha knows that eventually they will have to speak of those things that have remained unspoken. It may have to happen but for now they focus on getting their hawk healed, on taking care of him again.

The three of them are in the small kitchen now, Clint sitting down as James and Natasha make a small meal. He is watching their movements, watching how they prepare the food. He has been a little hesitant to take food from them, eyes it wearily. He knows that they drugged him before and even with their reassurances that they do not plan to break him again unless needed, he is more likely to eat if he watches them make it. It hurts a little for him to not trust them fully again but he has not tried to leave, does not move away from their touch, and Natasha knows that he is still theirs, that he still fits with them now even if it is a little different. It does not take long for the food to be done and the three of them sit together and eat. They talk as they do so, a few questions asked but right now they come from James and Natasha, questions asked to see how much more their hawk remembers.

“Do you remember the first time we went out all together for something other than a mission?”

James asks now as they finish up the meal, start to clean up and Clint takes just a moment to think before he answers.

“Yes, we went to the ballet. You told me that night that you would have wanted to be a dancer in another life, showed me some dances.”

He says this to Natasha and she moves closer to him, speaks to him now as she puts a hand on his shoulder.

“I had you dance with me and you were worried that you would trip me.”

Clint gives a little nod and Natasha smiles, leans just a little closer and brushes a kiss against his cheek. He tenses up just a bit but does not move away, says nothing to it, and Natasha moves her hand away from his shoulder after a moment, goes back to what she was doing before she came over to him. They put things away in quiet for a few more minutes and then Clint breaks it.

“I remember going to various things now, the ballet for you, science exhibits and museums for you, and we went to carnivals and fairs. Those were for me.”

They both give him a nod, confirmation that he is indeed remembering correctly. They speak about the outings for a few minutes, reminisce about them as they move from the kitchen, move back to the bedroom. It is time to check Clint’s bandage and he sits down for them, lets Natasha remove it as he speaks a little bit more.

“I won you a key chain at a fair once, a ballet slipper. You had it on your keys for your cover. Were you hoping I would remember?”

He asks the question simply and she gives a nod. James is right next to them and he looks over Clint’s wound now and it is barely there, will be fully healed soon and he touches it briefly for just a moment with his flesh hand as Clint speaks again.

“You were there for a little while, were watching Steve and I. You knew where I was, knew what was done to me, knew about Coulson. You have a source within SHIELD, don’t you?”

The question is spoken in a way that lets them both know that he already has an idea of the answer. Natasha just gives another simple nod as she cleans his wound. There is a flash of anger on his face now, a flash of betrayal and Natasha knows that he is not going to be pleased when he finds out the whole truth. From what they have gathered about his past, from some of what he has said, he thought of SHIELD as his home, as his redemption. It may be time to let him know just what SHIELD is, just a little bit more of the truth that has been hidden from him. Clint asks another question now.

“How long have you had this source?”

“Before you were sent after her, it is how we knew you were the one coming after her, gave us the order for you not to return. “

James says this and Natasha watches as Clint is tensing up just a bit, some realization flickering in his eyes. Their hawk is about to push to learn another truth and Natasha only hopes that they can soothe the hurt she knows he is going to feel at knowing how much he thought he knew has been a lie, that they can protect their hawk.

<><><><> 

“One of your handlers is in SHIELD.”

Clint says this now after James’s words about their source, can feel himself tensing up now. He has known that they had an in through SHIELD somehow, had to have had a source but this is not what he had expected.

“Is that why you didn’t take the chance when I offered it to you? “

He asks this of Natasha now, had always thought it had been because of James, because she didn’t want to leave him behind, but now Clint has to wonder if this had at least a little bit of influence on her decision. Clint still doesn’t know much about who their handlers are but James and Natasha have both spoken a bit now about the parts of their training that they remember, their own breaking and how they still work for the ones who broke them and Clint feels sick knowing that at least one of their handlers has been with SHIELD for a long time, may be someone Clint knows. He should ask who it is but Natasha is speaking now and he listens.

“SHIELD was never what you thought it was, hawk. It would not have been safe for me to go there, would not be safe for you to try to go back there now.”

Her words are simple and they tell Clint quite a bit. SHIELD has to be compromised badly, Clint is realizing that now. There have been little hints, the fact that Natasha and James have been careful in speaking about their handlers, they had specifically said he couldn’t return to Fury’s SHIELD. There is a knot in his stomach now and the thought of Steve flashes in his mind, the fact that he doesn’t know what has happened to him since the roof. If SHIELD is compromised as badly as Clint is starting to think it is, Steve is not safe, but he needs to know more and so he asks now.

“Who are you working for? Who is inside SHIELD?”

There is a moment of quiet, no answer yet and both of them are staring at Clint right now. James puts a hand on his shoulder now and after a few more seconds he speaks.

“Does it really matter? SHIELD has been compromised since its beginning and you are no longer part of it. We told you that we will tell you the truth but think about if you really want to know this, hawk.”

There is a hint of warning in James’s voice and it is enough to tell Clint that they haven’t exactly cleared telling him everything with their handlers, with whoever it is that has been calling the shots. This is a risk, could possibly put them all in danger, but Clint has gone so long without answers that he needs to know this, needs to know exactly who he has possibly been working for all along. He stares straight into James’s eyes as he speaks now.

“I need to know. You told me no more lies. Who is inside SHIELD?”

There is a moment of quiet, James looking over at Natasha for just a moment and Clint thinks perhaps they are not going to give him an answer. They do and when James says it, says a name that Clint recognizes, he feels sick and knows that Steve isn’t safe and has no idea what he can do about it.

“Hydra.”

<><><><> 


	26. Chapter 26

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_James waits for Natasha in their safe house, knows that she will be here soon. He had received a message a little while ago, a call and a mission that he will need to tell her about when she is here.He sits at the table, is looking over some information that he will share with her as soon as she is here. His right hand holds an arrow, is twirling it around a bit. The arrow has been in his possession for a while now, months and he took it because he was curious, because he has just recently been allowed to keep things. They have learned more about the one who has shot it now and soon there will be chance to see him up close, see just how dangerous Hawkeye really is. The soldier looks forward to it, after all there have not been very many that could be considered threats to them and from what he has been told, he could be. He stares at the picture of him right now, wonders just how much of a challenge he will be. They will find out soon._

_There are footsteps now, soft ones and they are only heard because she wants them to be, only heard because he knows when she is around. She had a mission, a simple one, but one that could not be disturbed and so she does not know about their new one quite yet. Natasha slides into the chair next to him and James looks at her, eyes going over every inch of her he can see, checking for any new hurts, any new marks. There does not seem to be any and he, asks how it went._

_“It was simple, nothing out of the ordinary. Haven’t had a challenge in a while.”_

_James gives her a small smile, holds up the arrow as he speaks._

_“That may change. There is a kill order on you, one directly from Fury, and we are to take care of the one who has been given it.”_

_“Barton?”_

_She says it simply and James gives a nod. He has been a point of interest for a while for both of them, has made a name for himself and they have been keeping track of him._

_“He will be looking for you soon and he is not to return to Fury from this mission. “_

_She gives him a smile now, brings her hand to his so that her fingers rest on top of his on the arrow._

_“Let’s lead him on a chase then, see what he can do.”_

_James agrees and their night is spent planning, going over what they know, over the information they have on Barton. They have a mission and this is one that should be interesting and James looks forward to it._

“Hydra.”

James says the name simply and their hawk tenses up at it, a look of fear, anger, and uncertainty settling over his features.  His hand is still on Clint’s shoulder and he doesn’t move it away, keeps it there as he shakes his head, words spilling out now.

“No. They were stopped, Steve stopped them. SHIELD was built after Hydra fell, how could Hydra be inside it?”

There is disbelief in his voice, fear and anger, and James starts to rub little circles on his shoulder, wants to soothe him just a bit.

“SHIELD took in Armin Zola after the war was over. He built it back up inside SHIELD, hid it there. There are still those who are SHIELD but a lot of them are Hydra.”

Natasha answers the question and Clint still looks like he is in shock, still trying to comprehend just what he has been told. He is upset and James knows that it will take a while for him to be alright with all of this, to accept that so much of what he has known has been a lie. There is a moment of quiet again before Clint speaks, voice quiet.

“How high up does all this go? Who gives you most of your orders?”

The questions come and James hesitates for just a moment. Clint shift now, pulls away from him and gets up out of the chair. He turns and looks at both of them, body tensed up and face set in a frown.

“I need to know who gives the orders, how high this goes up, tell me, please.”

His voice is desperate and James stands up now as well, Natasha stays seated, watches them as James moves closer to their Hawk. He gives an answer.

“Alexander Pierce. He gave the order to kill Fury, has given many orders. He gave us the permission to keep you, told us that you would need to be of use just like we are.”

There is a flash of anger in Clint’s eyes now, more betrayal. James doesn’t make a move to touch him again yet, doesn’t think it would be welcome right now.

“I’m not supposed to know any of this, am I?”

He says this after just a few seconds and James gives him a simple nod.

“We have not been cleared to tell you but we will not hide truth from you, not anymore. You are ours and you are safe as long as you are ours.   We will take care of each other, just like before. This is how it has to be.”

It is Natasha who says this, moves close to Clint and their hawk shakes his head a bit, starts to speak, words desperate and rushed.

“Don’t you see how fucked up all of this is? How wrong it is? They broke you, you don’t owe them anything, you shouldn’t stay with them. We shouldn’t stay with them. “

Their hawk wants to leave Hydra behind. Running is not an option, James knows this, accepted it long ago. It may take a while for their hawk to do the same and James speaks now, hopes it will be enough to calm him down.

“I tried to run before, they will not allow it. There isn’t anywhere else to go. You need to accept that.”

It does not calm him down.

“ I can’t just go along with this, not now, not that I know, I have to do something, I have to let Steve know, he deserves to know . He isn’t safe right now. “

His words are a bit angry but determined and the mention of Steve makes James tense up just a bit. Natasha moves closer now, puts a hand on Clint’s arm and he doesn’t pull away from her.

“You can’t contact Rogers, he isn’t part of this.”

Natasha says this, voice firm but not cruel and James can see how her hand curls around Clint’s arm just a little more, how she shifts just a little closer.

“Like hell Steve isn’t a part of this.”, Clint says this, doesn’t move his arm out of her hold even with as upset as he is, “ He is going to look for us, he isn’t going to give up, and he means something to me, means something to you even if they made you forget it. You stopped when he fell, when I shot him, he still means something to you, Bucky.”

The name comes out of their hawk’s mouth and it makes something in James tighten just a bit. He moves closer to Clint, stares right in his eyes now.

“I’m not him, not anymore. ”

He isn’t Bucky, can’t be Bucky. Bucky Barnes would never leave Steve behind but James has to, has to give up Steve so he can keep his hawk and his widow safe. It hurts but there is very little choice. He needs Clint to know this, to understand and he grabs ahold of his shoulder now, grips it tightly and Natasha still has not let go of Clint’s other arm.

“I’m not allowed to have Steve, we are not allowed to have him. We try to help him and they will stop us, will break us again if they need to. I know.”

Clint looks like he wants to say something else, wants to argue some more and that is when there is a noise, a beep. It is the phone in the other room and he lets go of Clint now, knows he has to take it or there could be consequences.

“We will talk about it this later.”

He says this, heads to the door. Natasha stays with Clint and he can hear them murmuring quietly, still discussing everything. He puts their conversation out of his mind, brings the soldier to the front. Whatever the call is about, they will handle it and James will make certain that they are safe, even if he has to give up Steve to do.

_“Remember that time at Cooney Island when I made you ride the cyclone?”_

_Bucky asks Steve as they stand on the side of a mountain, as they wait for the train to come. It is cold and the wind blows Steve’s hair away from his face as he turns and answers Bucky’s question._

_“Yep and then I threw up.”_

_He says it matter of fact, just an old memory, that they have talked about before, an old joke. Bucky gives him a look and asks another question now._

_“Is this payback?”_

_“Now why would I do that?”_

_Steve says it with a grin, one that Bucky knows well and can’t help but gives a small one in return, shrug just a bit. He wants to say something more but that is when they get confirmation of the train, when they need to move and so they do. Steve goes first, doesn’t seem afraid at all, and Bucky follows right behind. There is a sense of relief when they make the train, when they are all on it safe. He stays close to Steve, knows that Gabe will cover them or do whatever else is needed, and both things help ease some of the nervousness he has felt since he knew they were going after Zola. He still has dreams sometimes of being on that man’s table and Bucky knows that he has to be stopped._

_He gets separated from Steve for a bit and he hates it, hates that he can’t see what is happening to him, hates that he can’t know if he is safe right now or not. Bucky shoots, does all he can and when he is out of ammo, the train door opens and Steve is there, helps him out. Soon Steve is next to him again._

_“I had him on the ropes.”_

_“I know you did.”_

_Another joke but there isn’t time to appreciate it, to let it ease much of the tension because they are being fired at again, Steve pushing him down, being flung away. He dropped his shield and Bucky doesn’t even think about it, picks it up and starts to shoot. There is another blast and he is flung now, the shield falling from his hands, and he can feel the cool air as the side of the train breaks and he barely gets his fingers on the railing._

_“Bucky.”_

_Steve calls his name, is at the edge of the train and Bucky wants to tell him to stay back but he knows that he won’t. He is reaching for him now and Bucky does the same, tries to get his hand to Steve’s. The wind is strong and he isn’t close enough, can’t reach Steve, and he screams now, can hear Steve do the same as he falls. It will be over soon and Bucky tells himself as he falls is that at least Steve is safe. It is enough._

<><><><> 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update has taken forever and a day, got really stuck and busy with other things and I hope people are still reading. Once again, sorry about all the lateness.

<><><><> 

_Steve is very familiar with this hallway now, with the paintings on the wall, the doors to the side and he walks down it right now, walks to Peggy’s door like he has many times before but this time he isn’t alone. Clint is right beside him but as they get closer to the door, he stops just a few steps behind Steve._

_“I can wait out here for a little bit, if you want a few minutes just the two of you, make sure she is up to seeing someone new.”_

_Clint says this and Steve just gives a nod, takes Clint’s hand and gives it a squeeze before moving to the door.  He can see if Peggy is having a good day, if she is herself, remembers today and if she does than he will bring Clint in. If it is a bad day, then he will talk to her for a few minutes and then he and Clint will leave, come back later in the week. He wants Clint to meet Peggy, wants Peggy to meet Clint, but he doesn’t want to put either of them through a rough day if he can help it. Steve just takes a breath now, knocks on the door and after just a few seconds Peggy calls out for him to come in and he opens the door, walks through it leaving Clint in the hallway._

_“Hello, Peggy.”_

_He says this softly as he walks closer to her bed. She is awake, a book in hand, and that is usually a good sign. She puts it down and smiles at him, recognition in her eyes, and Steve can feel himself relax just a bit now._

_“Hello, Steve. I was just thinking about you a little while ago. Getting out a bit more?”_

_She says this now, looks at him and her eyes are sharp and clear right now and he knows it is a good day, for now.  Her face is lined with wrinkles now, hair gray, signs of the years that he missed, but when she looks at him like that, he knows that much of the woman he knew so long ago is still there, even though the years have caught up to her, even though sometimes she is lost to him, lost to herself as well.  Today is a good day though so he just gives her a smile now._

_“Getting out every once in a while, you’re always my first stop though.  We might go to lunch and then a museum after this, try to make a whole day out of the apartment. “_

_“We? “_

_Peggy asks, raises an eyebrow and Steve just gives a nod now._

_“There is someone I want you to meet, he is in the hall ready to come in, if you feel up to it. “_

_He says this, feels a little nervous about it but the nervousness eases when Peggy just gives him a small smile._

_“I feel up to it. “_

_She says this and Steve just walks to the door now, opens it up and goes to Clint in the hall. Clint is standing there, hands hanging by his sides, shifting on his feet just a bit and Steve thinks maybe he is a little nervous.  He  just comes closer to him, puts a hand on Clint’s arm, and speaks._

_“You can come in, when you’re ready.”_

_Clint just stands there for a moment before giving a small nod and then taking a step forward._

_“All right.”_

_They go into Peggy’s room together, close together, and Steve can feel Peggy’s eyes on them. She gives a bit of a smile now, gestures to the chairs near the bed and Steve and Clint both move towards them. Before he sits down, Clint reaches forward and offers his hand to Peggy. She takes it, shakes it and Clint returns the gesture as he speaks._

_“Clint Barton, it is nice to meet you, Director Carter.”_

_Peggy gives a small smile when Clint says director._

_“ I haven’t been called that for a while. Barton sounds familiar, are you one of Fury’s then?”_

_“He recruited me. “_

_Clint says this simply and Peggy just looks at him for a moment before asking another question._

_“You and Steve are team mates then?”_

_He has told her a little bit about the battle of New York, about fighting alongside the others, and she is asking Clint about it  now.  Clint hasn’t been cleared for active duty yet and Steve isn’t sure how he is going to answer the question, can see the way Clint tenses up just a bit before he makes himself relax, shrugs his shoulders._

_“I guess so, only had that one fight and I’m staying with him right now. We are friends.”_

_Clint says this, gives a glance over to Steve like he is making sure that is the right thing to say. They really haven’t discussed what to label their relationship as and Steve has referred to Clint as his friend before but he feels like Peggy should know just how important Clint is to him, how much he means and it takes him only a moment to decide what to say.  He leans forward just a bit, puts a hand on Clint’s shoulder and gives it a brief squeeze to let Clint know that what he said is fine, and then he turns his attention to Peggy, makes sure he looks her in the eyes as he speaks._

_“We are friends, like Bucky and I were. He has helped me out quite a bit, helped me adjust been there for me.”_

_There is a look of realization on her face and then another small smile and Steve feels like she approves a little bit or is at least glad he has someone here for him._

_“Good, glad to know that you are not alone.  So Clint, do you want to hear about Nick’s rookie days?”_

_Peggy asks this of Clint now, a gleam in her eyes and Clint just gives her a smile, tells her sure. They talk for a while, Peggy telling a few stories of SHIELD, a few stories about Steve himself, and Clint tells her a bit about the circus and Steve just mostly listens, lets them get to know each other a little bit.  It is a nice visit, Steve surrounded by two people who mean the most to him and he feels content right now, a feeling that lasts even after they leave Peggy, as they go get some lunch. Steve sits across from Clint now in a little booth at a pizza place and Clint starts to talk after their order is taken._

_“I always heard about her around SHIELD, there were a lot of stories about her. Fury always spoke very highly of her and I always kind of wanted to meet her, it was nice getting the chance to.”_

_He says this and Steve just gives a little smile, bumps their knees together under the table as he speaks._

_“I’m glad you met her, she liked you.”_

_Peggy  did like Clint, Steve could tell by the looks she gave them as they left. Steve is glad of it and Clint just gives a shrug now._

_“I liked her too and I can be likeable sometimes.”_

_“I think you’re likeable most of the time, just not first thing in the morning.”_

_Steve says this, is teasing just a bit and Clint just shakes his head a bit at it, tells him that he just isn’t a morning person. It is easy going right now, just the two of them waiting for their food, just talking and enjoying eachother’s company and Steve will take these moments when he can, will enjoy them._

“Now we have both of your statements, have asked both of you some questions and soon this will be over with . I just have to ask, is there anything else you think we should know before you are let out of this room, Captain?”

It is Pierce who asks this now, directs the question to Steve even though Sam is right next to him. The last day has been nothing but questions, a few breaks in between, but mostly questions. They have been interviewed separately and then brought together and each piece of information they gave has been scrutinized, each detail discussed.  Steve told mostly the truth, only one major detail left out and he was relieved when Sam was brought into this room and some questions were asked and Sam’s answers let Steve know that he isn’t the only that didn’t tell the exact identity of the soldier. When Coulson was brought in a bit earlier, nothing that was said by him lead Steve to believe that he knows who the soldier is so it is possible that they don’t know about Bucky and Steve is going to keep it that way for now.

“No sir, nothing I can think of. Like we have both said, we went looking for the drive, found the widow, had the fight, then everything on the roof with Agent Coulson and we have been here for the last day. You have our statements, you have the drive, are we free to go yet?”

Steve says all this and he wishes he could have kept the drive from them but he didn’t see any way around it.  They had been searched before they were brought here, Sam’s wings and Steve’s shield taken, and the drive was taken from him as well.  It has been questioning since then and Steve really wishes that Pierce would just let them know that they can leave or arrest them formally. Pierce just stares straight at Steve as he talks some more.

“You have caused a lot of trouble, Captain, broke quite a few laws. Helped Agent Barton escaped, stole federal propriety, dragged a civilian into this.  You could be charged with several offenses , both you and Mr. Wilson.  I hope you are aware of that.”

There is a threat in Pierce’s voice and Steve tenses up just a bit but before he can say anything, Sam does instead.

“If we are being charged with something, shouldn’t there be a lawyer present?”

Pierce shakes his head just a bit now.

“Lawyers aren’t always needed for matters like this and I have just said that you could be charged, not that you would be.  There are certain conditions that can be met that would allow some leniency on your charges. “

Steve has been waiting for this, for the price that would have to be paid for them not to be dragged off to prison or worse and he doesn’t regret helping Clint, he just wishes that he could have kept Sam from having to deal with any of this.

“What kind of conditions?”

He asks, needs to know just what he has gotten Sam involved with. There are certain things that Steve is not going to let happen, not if he can help it, and if the conditions are unacceptable than Steve will fight till he can’t.  

“Simple conditions really, terms of employment more than anything.”

It isn’t quite what Steve was expecting and from Sam’s reaction, he wasn’t expecting either.

“Employment? You want us to work for you?”

Sam says this, disbelief in his voice and it wasn’t what Steve was expecting either. There had been talk after New York, after Loki, of Steve working for SHIELD but there wasn’t anything official drafted up yet and he figured after all of this, it wouldn’t be a possibility.  Now, it seems like that may still be in the cards but not in a way that makes Steve entirely comfortable.

“Technically,  you will be working for SHIELD.  Now, I understand that the Captain’s judgment was somewhat compromised these last couple of days due to his personal involvement with Barton and that you, Mr. Wilson, decided to help based on his reputation, and so we have decided on some leniency right now.  Think of it as probation that you will get paid to attend.”

“It sounds a bit like blackmail.”

Steve says it plainly, means it. Something seems off with all of this and he still isn’t sure if he really trusts SHIELD, everything out of whack after Fury’s death, after finding out how much was hidden, Coulson being alive, Clint’s enchantment and involvement with the soldier and the widow and now this seems so off. Pierce just shakes his head a bit and continues speaking.

“Now, Captain, this is more about everything working out for all of us.  We get use of both of your sets of skills, I have seen your file Wilson, surprised you weren’t recruited before now, and you won’t have to go to prison and will be kept in the loop about the search for Agent Barton. You don’t have a lot of choices but I will give you two a couple of days to think about it, to look over the contracts.  I suggest that you do not leave town in this time and your apartment door is still broken so I would stay elsewhere for a while but you are free to go once the paperwork is brought here. “

Pierce says all this and heads to the door, leaves before either of them can say anything, closes the door behind and now it is just Sam and Steve. There is a moment of quiet, Steve not sure what to say or do and then Sam is turning to him, speaks.

“So that was the most awkward and unexpected job interview I have ever had. You?”

Steve can’t help but give a small smile, one not entirely joyful but just a bit amused. He can’t imagine how much worse everything would seem if Sam wasn’t here.

“It is up there. I’m sorry about all of this Sam, maybe there is some way I can get you out of the charges and out of the contract. “

Sam just shakes his head, a small jerky motion before speaking.

“Hey, I decided to help you out, my choice, and if I have to work for some secret government agency or prison or something than that is just something that came from my choice. Ok?”

There is something sure in Sam’s voice and it helps ease just a bit of the guilt but not all. He dragged Sam into this, doesn’t know how to get them out of it, and Clint and Bucky are still out there, going to be hunted and Steve is sure that he is going to be able to find them before SHIELD does but for now he just gives a nod of his head.

“Ok.”

Sam gives his own grim sort of smile and puts a hand on Steve’s shoulder. At least they didn’t cuff them though Steve was slightly surprised that they didn’t. They sit like that in quiet, waiting for the papers, waiting to leave, and Steve knows that he is going to have to make a decision soon, weather to work with people he doesn’t trust or try to find Bucky and Clint on his own  and possibly be stopped. It is a difficult decision and Steve just hopes he can make the right one, that he can find Bucky and Clint soon and help them remember their selves.

<><><><> 


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a bit more, hoping I can have more again soon. Thank you for reading.

Clint hasn’t been left alone much since they told him about Hydra, has been watched carefully, not let out of their sight till now. He is alone but they are just outside the door, in the bedroom, are giving him a chance to clean up by himself and he can’t take advantage of being alone. He can’t contact Steve, they have made sure to keep anything that could be used to contact anyone away from him and he can’t leave. The bathroom has no point of exit other than the door, no window and Clint isn’t sure he should leave them anyway. As much danger as he knows Steve could possibly be in because of Hydra, he doesn’t think that James and Natasha are in that much safer of a position and he doesn’t want any of them hurt. He cares for Steve and he cares for Natasha and James despite everything and Clint is going to do what he can to help them all, he just isn’t sure what he can do yet.

Hydra is in SHIELD, high up since Pierce is apparently a member and Clint can remember sitting in front of the man days ago, being questioned about what happened to Fury and it makes a fresh wave of anger hit him.   Pierce has been a traitor this whole time, had ordered Fury’s death, and he is probably in charge of SHIELD now. It makes Clint sick to think about what the man is planning, to know that he could be using Steve in his plans, using all the people at SHIELD who don’t know better, knows that he already has used Clint and used James and Natasha. It has to be stopped and Clint will find a way, he just has to, but for right now he makes himself take a deep breath and take off his clothes and gets ready to shower.

He takes the bandage off of his chest now and the area is still a bit sore and stiff but much better than it should be, almost completely healed. It is just another reminder of how Clint has been changed by everything. He isn’t just some guy anymore, has a version of the serum running through him and it is just one more secret that had been kept from him for a while. He pushes the thought aside and starts the water, gets under it once it is going and lets the warm stream try to get rid of some of the tension in his body. It doesn’t work as well as he would like and he gets out before the spray turn too cold.

He can hear the soft murmur of voices as he dries off, hears them talking even if he can’t make out the words. It is a bit comforting, hearing them, knowing that they are so close to him, and Clint had missed them even when he couldn’t remember them. There had been an ache, a loneliness and Steve had helped with that and it is why he can’t just leave him like they have asked him to. He has to think of something that will help everyone, that will help keep them all safe and he knows he isn’t going to have much help, that there really isn’t that many people he can turn to.

There was a time when Clint would turn to Fury and Coulson but that is not an option now. Fury’s gone and Clint doesn’t know if he can trust Coulson anymore. He knows that there were reasons to keep Coulson being alive from him, keeping what happened to him from him but it doesn’t change the sense of betrayal, the hurt, and even if he could push past that, he knows that Coulson sees James and Natasha as a threat, that he won’t want to help them. Clint made a choice on the roof, has made a choice these last few days, he isn’t leaving them and it is a promise he thinks about as he gets dressed now.

He doesn’t put a shirt on, decides to shave first, uses the disposable razor that is there, knows that it is for him. James never liked them, preferred old fashioned blades and now Clint knows why, it was what he was used to. It is still a bit to adjust to, knowing that his James is Steve’s Bucky though James has tried to deny it, has said that he isn’t Bucky anymore. Clint knows that there is still a lot of the man that Steve told him about in the one here now, can see it with the way James cares for him, the way he cares for Natasha and Clint needs to connivance him that he is that person, needs to convince both him and Natasha that they can be more than Hydra’s weapons, that they are more than Hydra’s weapons, that the three of them can have a life that isn’t this. With that in mind, he finishes up and opens the door and walks into the bedroom where they are waiting.

“Feel better, hawk?”

It is Natasha who says this, voice calling to him from where she lays in the bed, propped up on some pillows, James next to her. There is a book in her hands and she has probably been reading aloud and Clint can remember the nights and lazy afternoons when they would do that, pick a book and take turns reading it to each other. Those are some of the best memories and he moves closer to the bed now.

“I don’t know about better but I feel cleaner at least. Probably smell better. ”

Natasha shakes her head at this but there is a small smile on her face and James just gives a small sigh but shifts on the bed a bit, makes room for Clint in the bed, right between them. Clint hesitates for only a moment before settling there, leaning against James and letting Natasha do the same to him, both of them careful of the tender spot on his chest. There has been tension since they told him about Hydra but he still lets them touch him, hasn’t lashed out too much at them. He is still angry at everything but they are still his and he can’t force himself to give up their touches and affection right now.

“What are you reading?”

He asks this now because it is easier than asking about something else, doesn’t want to bring up everything that he needs to, wants this moment for just a little while.

“Princess of Mars.”

Natasha says, shows him the cover.

“Haven’t we read this one before?”

Clint asks and Natasha gives a nod.

“Yes, several times. James wanted it again though.”

Clint rolls his eyes just a bit and gives James a look. James just gives a shrug in response and speaks.

“It is a classic.”

“It is old and silly.”

Natasha says this now and Clint can remember her saying something like that before. She doesn’t quite share James’s fondness for science fiction and James just shakes his head at her.

“It is a classic, one of my favorites, reread my first copy a lot till it got left in the rain . Pages ended up drying together, couldn’t get them unstuck for anything. Ended up with a new copy later as a gift, kept that one dry.”

James says all this like it is something he has just remembered and there is a moment of quiet tension now as all three of them realize just what James has said, that it is something from before everything, something he probably shouldn’t remember. Clint asks a question after just a moment.

“Do you remember who gave it to you?”

James says nothing but there is a quick little nod that Clint sees and that Natasha sees as well.

“We don’t need to talk about this.”

Natasha says this, has tensed up beside him but Clint just presses forward and speaks.

“It was Steve who gave it to you, wasn’t it? You’re remembering him more, remembering who you were. Do they know?”

Clint asks and James shakes his head and there is a bit of relief. If they don’t know that James is aware of his connection with Steve, it might make Steve a little safer.

“What happens if they find out, will they wipe you again?”

He asks and gets another nod now.

“Yes. They can take too much sometimes, it is why they can’t know that I know about who I used to be, why they can’t know how much we have told you. There are consequences they find out. Do you understand, hawk?”

Clint just looks at James for a long moment now, looks at Natasha as well before he answers.

“I understand that they use the wipes against you, that they use all sorts of things to keep you in line. They know what you can do, what both of you can do, for them and against them. It is why they have to threaten you, treat you this way. It isn’t right. “

There is a moment of quiet , Clint’s words just hanging in-between them before Natasha speaks, voice quiet.

“It may not be right but it is how things are. “

“Doesn’t have to be. The three of us together, we could do it, make a life that doesn’t belong to them. I want that and think the two of you do too.”

He says this now, puts a bit of pleading in his voice, a bit of certainty. He needs them to think about it, want it. Another moment of quiet settles again, a bit more tense this time but it is James who breaks it this time.

“They would try to stop us, we could lose each other.”

There is a bit of fear in his voice, just a hint of it, and Clint understands it. They have taken so much away from James, away from Natasha , that they don’t want this taken away either.

“We could lose each other if we stay, they will keep taking as long as we let them. You said you wanted me to choose you this time and I am choosing you but I’m not choosing them, not choosing Hydra. Just think about it, ok, promise me you will at least think of it.”

Clint means every word of it, wants James and Natasha but he can’t let things go back to how they were before, not now that he knows who is pulling the strings. A moment passes, Natasha and James exchanging glances and Clint waits, hopes that his words are getting through. A few more seconds pass and then Natasha speaks.

“We will think about it. For now, let’s get back to James’s space book.”

It isn’t much, barely a promise and maybe Clint should push for more but right now, he just gives a nod, settles back in between them, holds onto both of them as Natasha starts to read. It is a start to something better and Clint just hopes that Steve can be including in the new life he might end up having as well.

<><><><> 

_Steve is never quite sure about gifts right now, giving or receiving them. It is hard right now for people to make enough to get by, hard enough to have enough that sometimes it is hard to have extra, to have something to give to someone else. There is guilt when he takes a gift, guilt that whatever money was spent on it could have been used for something else. He can feel the guilt settle in a bit now as Bucky hands him something wrapped in some old newspaper._

_“Happy birthday, Steve.”_

_Steve takes it but he doesn’t open it yet._

_“You didn’t have to get me anything. “_

_He really didn’t, the fact that Bucky has stayed these past few months with him is more than enough and it isn’t like Bucky hasn’t gotten him stuff before but Steve still doesn’t need it. Bucky just shakes his head._

_“It’s your birthday, you should unwrap something for your birthday. Besides you need this any way. Now open it.”_

_Steve can be stubborn but so can Bucky and he has learned through the years when to let Bucky’s stubbornness win out and now is one of those times. He unwraps it now, careful not to tear the newspaper or the string, plans on using them for something else later. Tucked in the paper is more paper, some sheets of new drawing paper and sitting right on top two new pencils._

_“You could have just gotten me paper, that would have been enough you know.”_

_He says this as he holds the pencils, excited though he knows that they must have cost a little bit. Bucky just gives a shrug._

_“The pencils are more because I stepped on your other one last week, figured you could use a replacement or two.”_

_The pencil had broken in half when Bucky stepped on it but Steve hadn’t thrown it away, is still using what he can of it but it is nice having whole ones again. Right now, he just gives a smile as he looks at them._

_“Thanks, Buck.”_

_“You’re welcome. Try not to leave those on the floor.”_

_Bucky says this with just a hint of a smirk and Steve smacks his arm lightly. The pencils go on the table that night, safe from the floor._

_It is a few months later when it is Bucky’s birthday and Steve presents him with a newspaper wrapped present this time. Bucky doesn’t argue with him about it at all, just opens it up and there is a smile on his face when he sees the book._

_“Figured you needed a new since you left yours in the rain.”_

_Steve doesn’t say it is his fault, knows that Bucky will argue that it wasn’t though really it was. Bucky had been more concerned about getting Steve back home when the down pour started than grabbing his stuff and by the time he went back for it, it was ruined and Steve knew that he would find him a new one. It took a while, a bit of saving and bargaining but it is worth it for the grin on Bucky’s face._

_“Thanks, I’ll try to keep this one dry.”_

_“You do that.”_

_It is an easy exchange, a teasing exchange and Steve likes that they can do this, tease each other about the gifts they give, about their mistakes. When they get ready for bed that night, Bucky puts the book on the table right next to Steve’s pencils and then crawls into bed with Steve and holds onto him through the night._

Steve spends the night at Sam’s, discussing everything with him, reads and rereads the copy of the contract that they were given , trying to figure out what to do. It is like when he first got the serum and he wasn’t given many options and he hates being forced into things, hates that Sam is having to be forced into something as well. A decision isn’t made that night and Steve wakes up early in the morning, is reading the contract for the fifth time when Sam walks into the kitchen and starts a pot of coffee without saying a word. He pours two cups once it is done, hands Steve one and sits down beside him.

“I don’t think anything about it is going to change if you read it more, pretty sure we found all the fine print that is on there. If there’s anything else, they have left it out. ”

He says this and Steve knows that, has just been double checking. All in all, the contract looks pretty standard, nothing too fishy about it but Steve still can’t help but feel like something isn’t quite right with SHIELD, with Pierce.  He just isn’t sure what to do because he doesn’t trust SHIELD but not signing this will make him wanted and he doesn’t think it will make things any easier to look for Bucky and Clint that way.

“What do you think?”

He asks now and Sam takes another drink of his coffee before answering, looking straight Steve straight in the eyes.

“Like I told you last night, the contract doesn’t seem that bad. More pay and better insurance than my current job but also feel like I might get shot at more but then there is also the fact that they are going to try to lock us up if we don’t sign. I think it might be better to work from the inside on this one but I will follow your lead.”

What Sam is saying makes sense and Steve knows that there aren’t that many options. It might be best to go ahead and sign, work for SHIELD but not trust them fully, try to see what he can find out.

“I think you’re right. I guess we will be starting new jobs soon. You’re sure you’re ok with all of this?“

He asks once again and Sam just gives him a bit of glare.

“I have already told you about ten times that I made the choice to help you, I’m going see it through. This way I can introduce myself as the guy who saved Captain America’s ass, will make a great conversation starter. . Now, I think we should get some doughnuts before we have to go sign in blood.”

Steve just gives a nod. They finish up their coffee and get ready for the day, go by the doughnut shop before heading to the meeting with SHIELD. He still doesn’t feel great about signing the contract but at least it will keep them out of prison right now, Steve supposes that is a good start.

A few days pass and they have mostly been training with STRIKE and it hasn’t been too bad but Steve can’t help but feel they are being watched pretty closely and nothing has been said about the search for Clint. He is getting a bit frustrated, still unsure about everything but he does go and visit Peggy on his weekly date, needs to see her right now. The visit isn’t that long and it doesn’t help like Steve wishes it would but he does run into Sharon as he gets ready to leave and the look she gives him makes him think it wasn’t just a coincidence.

“Hey, glad you are here, she always looks forward to your visits.”

Her smile is bright and Steve tries to return it even if he can’t.

“I look forward to them too, just a lot is happening right now, haven’t seen you for a while.”

“It is true, we haven’t seen a lot of each other lately. We should change that, get some coffee sometime. I know a great place. “

She says this and Steve starts to shake his head a bit but she is reaching into her purse, pulls out a card, scribbles something on it.

“Hey, this is a good place and you should give me a call some time. You can bring your friend Sam, heard you trust him a lot, wouldn’t mind meeting him. Everything is on the card. Think about it, ok? We should meet up soon.”

She puts the card in his hand, is insistent on it and then she is going to Peggy’s room, tells Steve that they really should catch up soon. It is a bit strange since he hasn’t spent all that much time with Sharon but she seems nice enough so he puts the card in his pocket as he leaves. He pulls it out when he gets to Sam’s that night and that is when he realizes that she didn’t scribble down a phone number like he thought she did. Instead, it looks a bit like coordinates and a time for tomorrow and he shows it to Sam, shows him the little message that says something about it being easier not to take a cab. It looks like she is saying be careful not to be followed.

“Think we should check it out?”

Sam asks and Steve thinks about it for just a moment before answering.

“It might be worth it, she gave me the card for a reason.”

It is decided and the next day they don’t have training with Strike so they head to where the coordinates are.

The coordinates turn out to be near an abandoned building and as they make their way to it, Maria Hill is there waiting for them, looks over at both of them as they get closer and Steve had heard that she was taking a leave of absence right now and he wasn’t really expecting to find her here, wonders what is going on.

“You’re early. Wasn’t sure you would show. This Wilson?“

She asks, looks over at Sam who answers her question.

“Yep, this is Wilson. So you know me but I have no idea who you are.”

“Maria Hill, deputy director of SHIELD who is on leave for some reason. You want to tell me what is going on?”

Steve asks and Maria just points to the building, gestures for them to follow. They do and she leads them inside, leads them to an elevator and then down a hall, speaking a bit as she does.

“Look, there is a lot going on and I have a feeling that you are not going to be very happy with it but we need people that we can trust and you are on the short list and if you trust this guy, maybe we can trust him too. He’ll explain the rest to you in just a bit.”

“Who is he?”

It is Sam who ask and Maria doesn’t say anything, just leads them to a room, opens the door. When Steve sees who is there he knows why Maria said he may not be happy with what is going on. Nick Fury is in the room, a bandaged up and not looking his best but alive and Steve really wishes that the lies would stop now.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is a bit more and I hope everyone is still enjoying and comments would be amazing.

<><><><><> 

_The hallway is quiet as Steve makes his way to the room he was told to go to, one that he has only been to a few times, and it is easy to find. The door isn’t open but it isn’t quite shut either, ajar just a bit and Steve knocks on the frame, hopes that Fury is alone right now._

_“Enter.”_

_That is all Steve needs to hear and then he is pushing the door open just a bit more, going into the room. Fury is indeed alone, sat behind his desk, looking over something on his computer. He glances up as Steve walks closer to him._

_“Captain, what can I do for you today?”_

_Fury is straight to the point and Steve doesn’t see any sense in dragging this out._

_“You said something about having a place off base, that an apartment could be secured for me. I would like that now, as soon as it is available. “_

_Fury doesn’t really look surprised and he gives his full attention to Steve now._

_“We can have something set up by tomorrow. You will still have to come here for your various appointments and I’m sure you know to keep a low profile right now but you can be off base. There will be an account set up to cover your expenses and transportation arranged till you get your own.  Anything else you need to know right now?”_

_He asks and Steve thinks about it for only a moment before giving an answer._

_“I need to know how I can get in contact with Agent Barton while he is on his assignment.”_

_“We will arrange it, give you an address that mail can be sent to and then forwarded and he has already been informed of this as well, will probably send you a letter in a few days.  No other form of contact can be risked right now.”_

_“Because the mission is confidential or because we snuck off base?”_

_Steve doesn’t stop himself from saying it, is still a bit annoyed at things right now. Even if Fury was considering sending Clint to this mission for a while the timing does make it seem like a result of them going off base more than anything.  Fury’s expression doesn’t change really at all with Steve’s words and his voice is calm and even as he speaks._

_“It is a matter of safety for everyone involved and Barton is needed there more than he is here. Anything else, Captain?”_

_“No, sir.”_

_That is all Steve says right now, doesn’t really think he is going to get many answers from Fury right now. Fury just gives a nod and tells Steve that everything will be arranged by tomorrow morning. Steve leaves the office then and heads back to his room, hopes that things will feel better once he is off base._

<><><><><> 

Steve steps into the room fully, Sam and Hill following him, meets Fury’s eyes as he does so. The man is banged up, wounded but on the mend and Steve is going to figure out what the hell is going on but Fury speaks first.

“Rogers, wasn’t sure if you would show up.”

His voice sounds a bit weak but he isn’t looking away from Steve, sits up just a bit more.

“And you brought a friend.  Wilson, right?”

“Everyone knows me. Who are you?”

Sam asks this and Steve answers before Fury can.

“Nick Fury, director of SHIELD.”

Sam turns to him now and asks another question.

“Didn’t you say he was dead?”

“I was told he was, not the first time I have been told that someone died but they didn’t. Been happening a lot lately.”

There is just a bit of bite to his words and he knows that everyone in the room can hear it but he doesn’t care right now. There is just a beat of quiet, only a second and then Hill is the one to break it.

“There is corruption in SHIELD, the attempt on the director’s life had to look successful so we can have a chance to flush it out. It was a chance we had to take.”

Hill makes it sound so reasonable but it doesn’t stop the anger and irritation Steve feels about everything.

“And Coulson’s death, was there a reason for that to be lied about as well? Was there a reason for wiping Clint clean and not telling him what was going on? ”

Steve says this now, looks at Fury with a glare before the other man speaks.

“Something tells me you have a lot you want to talk about.”

“Damn right I want to talk about this.”

Fury looks at Hill for just a moment who nods and heads towards the door, gestures to Sam.

“Wilson, I can show you around, have a chat of our own.”

Sam looks to Steve and Steve just gives him a little nod to let him know that it is alright for him to go for a few minutes. Sam returns his nod and then follows Hill out of the room, giving Steve a pat on the shoulder and murmurs something before he does.

“I’ll follow your lead on this.”

That is all he says then he is out of the room and Steve is left alone with Fury.

“What do you want to start with , Rogers?”

Fury asks now and Steve glares at him a bit as he answers.

“How about we start with how many lies you have told, maybe start with how you wiped Clint’s memory and told him it was from an injury, how he was altered while he was gone and you never told him.”

Steve is angry with the lies that he has been told but it is the ones that have been told to Clint that make the anger spike.  

“I did what I had to, what was needed.”

Fury’s voice is firm with those words, he really does seem to believe what he is saying but Steve is not backing down.

“What was needed? You wiped him, you made him forget everything, left him not knowing what happened to him and you knew and you never told him.   You are trying to tell me that was needed?”

These words are hurled at Fury and he sits up a bit straighter in the bed, meets Steve’s eyes .

“It was. You didn’t see what he was like when we found him. He didn’t even know his last name. I knew him since he was 19 and he had no idea who I was. He was trying to escape off base when he would get the chance, was a danger and I made the call to neutralize the threat.”

“Clint is not a threat.”

Steve shouts the words out and Fury just shakes his head a bit at them.

“That is where you are wrong, captain, Barton was, can be a threat. One of my best agents and whatever they did to him made him even better.  He wouldn’t believe anything I told him, we weren’t’ sure how to break the conditioning and I had to keep what happened to him under wraps, couldn’t let the wrong people know that he had been compromised, that he had been altered.”

“And Clint was one of the wrong people?”

“He couldn’t accidently revel what he didn’t know.  It was a way to protect him from the fall out.”

The way Fury says this makes it sound like he thinks that this was for Clint’s benefit and Steve shakes his head a bit right now.

“Protect him from the fall out but keep him out of the loop for when they came looking for him. What about Coulson’s death, tell me why you lied about that, let Clint, let all of us think he was dead. How are you going to justify that?”

“It was motivation, helped get all of you on the same page, and it provided an opportunity to have Coulson focus on another mission of importance, to find the widow before she could get near Clint.”

“That didn’t work out , did it?”

Steve mutters this and maybe it isn’t exactly fair of him to throw it in Fury’s face like that but so much has gone wrong and Fury has lied so damn much that Steve isn’t feeling particularly generous to the man right now.  Fury has tensed up a bit right now and Steve is pretty sure he has struck a nerve.

“Because  someone has inside information , has been feeding it to the widow.  I need to weed this person out, figure out where Barton, the widow, and the soldier are,  see if Barton can be brought back, and right now I don’t have a lot of people I can rely on.  I need to know if you can work with me or not.”

There is just a small hint of desperation in Fury’s voice and Steve is still uncomfortable with the lies, still angry, but he needs to find Clint, needs to find Bucky, and this may be the best way if indeed someone inside SHIELD is working with whoever did all of this to Bucky and Clint.  He won’t tell Fury about Bucky, not now, and there is still probably going to be more yelling later and he can’t trust him, but  it may not be about trust right now.

“There is still a lot you’re going to have to give answers about, a lot that you owe Clint, but I will help you find out what is going on with SHIELD but then I’m done. I’m going to go get Sam and Hill and we will discuss what needs to be done .”

That is what Steve says and he doesn’t wait for Fury to say anything else, leaves the room, and hopes he is making the right choice now.

<><><><><> 

Natasha tries not to show it but Clint’s words about making their own life have struck something inside of her. It would be nice, making their own choices, not having the fear of the wipes or James being put back into the cold, but she is still not sure if would work. She has been a tool stained with blood for so long that she isn’t sure if she can be much more than that even though their hawk seems to believe that she can be, that both of them can be.  He has brought it up a few more times in the last day or so and they haven’t really given him an answer about it but Natasha knows that a choice will have to be made soon for now she tries not to think about and focuses  on her boys.

It is not like how it was before, not quite the same, but it is closer to that, Clint is more comfortable with them now. Natasha is starting to realize it won’t ever be like how it was before but it is still good. Their hawk has all of his history now, everything before them and after them,  and Natasha used to worry that if he knew of his life before that it would separate him from them in a way that couldn’t be reconciled but it might not be the case.  He knows his past but he doesn’t seem to want to go back to it though he shares some of it with them. It is a part of his past that he is trying  share with them right now though Natasha is not sure if it is the best idea to have the oil that hot in the kitchen.

“This seems like a lot of work.”

She says this and Clint just shrugs.

“Funnel cakes are worth it. Just wait till you try them.”

Clint had asked James to get the stuff for him this morning when he went to get supplies, didn’t ask to go with him because he knew that they wouldn’t let him do that yet, and it wasn’t something that they wanted to deny him since he asked for it. 

“We have tried them before, hawk.”

James says this now and Clint gives a little shrug.

“I know but mine are better, it was one of my first jobs at the circus.”

He drops the batter in now as he says this and manages to step back before any of the oil pops.  They just let him work and soon enough he has a plate of cake for them all, covers it in powder sugar and they all sit down to eat it. It hasn’t been awhile since they have had something like this and it is as sticky and sweet as Natasha remembers but Clint is right and his are very good. She tells him as much and gives him a sugar covered kiss on his cheek and he gives her a smile in return. She is about to say something else when she hears a beep, knows that it is one of their phones that they have, and she gets up to check it.  Clint tenses up as she does so but doesn’t say anything yet. It is a coded message for her, coordinates to go pick up a briefing for her next mission, and it looks like it may only a be a mission for her. She had hoped they would have a little more time before they would have to separate and this is not ideal .   She goes back into their little kitchen and lets her boys know.

“I have to go, pick something up, I should be able to check back in here in a few hours.”

“Natasha.”

It is one word, just her name, but she can hear everything Clint isn’t saying in it, hears his pleading and questions and she shakes her head right now.

“We will discuss it later, if I don’t go get this there will be questions.  Stay safe.”

She says this, brushes another kiss against Clint’s cheek, gives James one as well.  They stay in the kitchen as she puts on shoes and they stay there as she leaves.  She is a bit nervous, last time she left her  boys for a possible mission, Clint ended up being taken from them and she has to hope that it won’t be the same this time.  It doesn’t take long to get to the coordinates, they aren’t very far away and she finds what she is looking for quickly, a small package hidden in what looks like a burnt out building.  She opens it up, sees the mission outline and it makes her tense up. It is a mission just for her, one that usually she would not hesitate to take, has thought about these last few weeks  if the outcome is what she thinks it will be but it is one that their hawk would not approve of.  She could tell him that it is something else, could hide it from him, but they promised him no more lies,  no more truths hidden.   This will need to be discussed and as she starts to make her way back to her boys, she knows that the decision   she and James have been putting off will have to be made very soon, there can be no  more waiting.

<><><><><> 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope people are still with this story and comments would be lovely.

<><><><><> 

_It is a bit different being with Steve in his apartment instead of one of their rooms on the base but Clint likes it.  It is nice having this kind of normal, of being able to be with Steve,  just cuddling with him on the couch as they watch some tv.. He likes the bright smile Steve gets on his face when Clint finds Wizard of Oz on one of the channels . That smile is quite nice and Clint grins at it a bit._

_“So I guess you’re ok with watching this then?”_

_Steve gives a little nod, settles into the couch a bit more and drags Clint with him. Clint doesn’t complain._

_“I saw it when it first came out, a lifetime ago now. Bucky managed to scrounge up some money and we paid for it instead of sneaking in and it was worth it."_

_There is that bit of sad fondness again when he says Bucky’s name and Clint is used to it now and he just brushes a kiss against Steve’s cheek._

_“I never saw it in theatres, just saw it on tv. Saw Return to Oz on tv as well and let me tell wheelies gave me nightmares for about a week.”_

_It is one of his memories that have come back after Loki, seeing that movie as a kid and being terrified of those creepy guys with the wheels for hands .Steve raises an eyebrow at him now._

_“Wheelies?”_

_He asks and Clint just shrugs a bit._

_“Creatures in the sequel that was made in the 80’s, just as scary if not more scary, as the flying monkeys. We can find it sometime, watch it so you can be properly traumatized by it like I was. “_

_Steve smiles a bit, brushes a quick kiss against Clint’s lips._

_“Sounds like a date.”_

_He says this and Clint feels a rush of warmth right now. There is still a lot about his life he is missing right now but he has Steve and that is pretty great. Right now he just focuses on cuddling with Steve and watching the movie, is content with having this right now._

The room has settled into a bit of tense quiet once Natasha leaves, Clint not quite sure what to say right now and James isn’t really speaking either, just sits there and finishes the rest of his funnel cake. They end up cleaning up and it is as they are washing the dishes, James breaks the silence.

“It may just be some information, may not even be a mission. She’ll be back.”

He says it so simply, means it as a reassurance but Clint knows that they need to talk about this.

“It may not be a mission today but it is going to be soon. They are going to want to send her out, going to want to send you out, send me,  and I won’t  do it, not now. I told you before, I’m choosing you but I’m not choosing Hydra. You guys are going to have to make a choice soon.”

He doesn’t want to make it a threat but they have to understand, Clint can’t work for Hydra, not now that he knows. It was different before, he didn’t know who he was, they hid so much for him, and he didn’t think to ask too many questions but now he remembers everything and they have been truthful with him and he is not just going to go along with things. He wants to help them, wants to stay with them but it doesn’t do any of them any good to stay under Hydra’s thumb.

“What will you do if we do not choose to risk leaving?”

There is a bit of worry in James’s voice and Clint isn’t going to hide the truth from him now.

“Then I can’t stay with you, I’m going to have to fight. I can’t accept not having a say in this, not anymore, we’re a team and I want us to stay that way, but not for them.”

He says all of this and James is looking at him, unsure and conflicted and Clint reaches forward now and puts a hand on his shoulder now.

“We can talk about it when Nat is back. Want to read something?”

It is a distraction, Clint knows this, and they need to talk about this, he needs to hear their choice but it isn’t something they should really decide until Natasha is back.  It is something that they have to decide for themselves and Clint will fight against them if he has to but for right now, James gives a little nod and they finish cleaning up, settle down with a book. This time it is Wizard of Oz, they have just started it and Clint has never read the book before though he has seen the movie.

“I feel like they changed some things for the movie but they always do. You’ve seen the movie, right?”

He knows the answer but Clint kind of wants to know what James thinks that answer is. He gives a little nod right now.

“A long time ago, when it first came out, scrounged up money to see it. Remembered just the other day, wanted to reread it because of that.”

“I saw it on tv, bet it was great on the big screen.”

Clint says this and James gives a little nod.

“It was.  Steve was amazed, I can remember the look on his face, so full of wonder when everything became colorful. “

There is something in his voice right now, a bit of fondness and Clint shifts just a bit closer to him now.

“You’re remembering more of Steve, aren’t you? Who he was to you, what he meant to you.”

He asks, knows even before James nods his head yes.

“They are going to make you forget him again if they find out you’re remembering .”

He says this, wants to gives James another reason to leave Hydra. James doesn’t really say anything right now, just goes back to reading the book out loud again and some time passes like that till there is a noise that breaks the silence, another message on the phone and James gets up and gets it and Clint can see his whole body tense up now, a slight frown of worry cross his face and he needs to know what is going on .

“Who is it from? What is it?”

He asks and James doesn’t say anything right now, just stares at the message and Clint gets up now, crosses over and he looks down at it.  It is a set of coordinates, a time, and instructions that both the hawk and the soldier are required for the check in.  The coordinates  seem a tiny bit familiar, like they are somewhere in D.C. and Clint has a feeling that this isn’t a good sign that they are being called there and the look on James’s face is helping to reinforce that thought.

“Those coordinates, they’re a Hydra base, aren’t they? They want us both there in two days.”  
“It is the vault, the one that has one of the chairs, has a chamber. I haven’t been called there in a long time and you have never been called in to meet handlers.”

James says this and there is worry in his voice, this has spooked him. Clint has never gone to any meeting with handlers before, only  really dealt with some of doctors when he was injured and the fact that they are calling them both to a base while Natasha might have a mission can’t be good. They need to talk about this, need to figure out what to do but before Clint can ask any more questions there is the sound of footsteps coming into the room and then Natasha’s voice.

“Hey, I was given a mission, we need to talk.”

She comes into the room, a mission brief in hand and  Clint just gives a little nod, gestures to some of the chairs, and speaks.

“Yea, we do. Let’s sit down and hash this out.”

He says this, moves to the chairs with the others following him and he knows that they are going to have to make their choice now and Clint hopes it is the one he wants them to make.

<><><><><> 

_Back when he was just the soldier, back before there was no Natasha, back before he wasn’t allowed to be James, he used to be kept in the cold constantly, kept asleep in a chamber. He used to dream then, dream of things that he could never remember when he woke, dreamt of the blood that covers his hands, dreamed of warmth and laughter, dreamed of so many things that would only be broken fragments when he woke, when he warmed up.  The chill of sleep was not something he enjoyed but it was something he had to deal with until the widow came, until he was allowed something to keep, and he has not had to feel that cold for a long time now though he does occasionally  dream about it. Tonight came one of those dreams and he wakes up half excepting to feel the cold but instead he finds warmth, sees his hawk and widow both right next to him and he shifts just a bit, pulls them closer to him.  Natasha doesn’t wake, just snuggles closer to him in her sleep but Clint does wake, blinks up at James for just a moment._

_“Everything ok?”_

_He asks sleepily, a little bit of worry in his voice and it is so nice having him care like this._

_“Just woke up from a dream, didn’t mean to wake you up too.”_

_James says this, brushes a quick kiss against Clint’s forehead and Clint leans into it a bit._

_“What did you dream about?”_

_He asks, that little curiosity in his voice and James answers the question, has talked to Clint about the cold before and it won’t hurt anything to say something about it now._

_“Dreamed I was back in the cold, that I wasn’t going to be let out this time.”_

_He worries about that sometimes, that eventually he will not be of much use anymore and he will be put away, worries that the same will be done to Natasha and Clint. They have never had to experience the chill like he has and he is glad of that, hope that they never have to.  Clint just moves a little bit closer to James now, pulls the blanket tighter against them both._

_“You’re not in the cold, that won’t happen. We’ll keep you warm.”_

_He says this with a little bit of a smile and James can’t help but smile back._

_“I know. Let’s try to get some more sleep, ok?”_

_Clint gives a little nod and closes his eyes, has his head laying on James’s chest now, a warm weight there. James keeps his eyes open for a few more moments, just looks at his hawk and his widow, and then he lets them shut, lets himself drift back to sleep surrounded by their warmth._

They are all three sitting now and James still has put the phone down now, hasn’t shown it to Natasha yet though he needs to. Right now, his focus is on Natasha’s mission  brief and the knot of worry that settled into his stomach when he saw the message on the phone grows bigger now as he sees what is written there, hears Clint speaks about it out loud.

“They want you to lay out a trap for Steve. Are you going to do it?”

 There is anger and worry in his voice and Clint’s fists are balled up tight, body tense like he is preparing himself for a fight depending on what the answer is.   Natasha looks at both of them right now, is quiet for a few moments and then she takes a breath and speaks.

“I have thought about it and before I would not have hesitated but he means a lot to you, means something to both of you and I’m not sure if I can hurt you like that. There will be consequences if I don’t take the mission though.  “

There is honesty in her voice and it makes the knot in James loosen just a little bit even if there is still a bit of uncertainty with that last sentence. He had told himself for a while now that he can’t have Steve anymore and it shouldn’t matter what happens to him but it does matter. James doesn’t want him hurt, doesn’t want him destroyed, and that is obviously what Hydra has planned. They are going after Steve, want to send Natasha to do it, and have called for him and Clint to go to the vault. They are planning something right now and James doesn’t want to lose any of them and he reaches for Natasha’s hand now, takes it and speaks.

“ There may be consequences anyway. We received a message just before you got here. We are being called to the vault, Clint and I.”

She looks at him sharply with his words, knows exactly why he has been called to the vault in the past. The vault is where he goes to sleep or to get wiped and the fact that they are calling both him and Clint there is not good. It is a sign that Hydra is going to interfere in what they have now, Clint has never been called to a base before, never had to meet their handlers and James doesn’t want to think about what it means that they want him at the vault.

“I’m not going there and I’m going to warn Steve about what is happening. I need to know if you’re going to stop me.“

Clint says this, draws their attention to him and his voice is full of stubbornness, of determination. He is still tensed up, still ready to fight if he needs to, and James knows that they need to choose now. He looks over at Natasha, looks straight in her eyes and he can see the conflict that  is warring within him in her eyes. They have lived for so long being Hydra’s weapons, taking what they were given, doing what they had to, but so much has changed now. They are whole in ways that Hydra has never allowed them to be and this is worth keeping, worth protecting and James gives his answer now.

“I’m going with you, hawk, I won’t go in the cold again.”

He says this, looks over at Clint, and he can see the hope in Clint’s eyes now. He gives Natasha’s hand a  squeeze and waits for her answer, waits to see what is going to happen.

“You two are my choice, always have been. “

She says this simply and Clint leans forward now, brushes. They have made their choice, are staying with Clint, and James knows that they are going to have to fight now but this is worth fighting for.

<><><><><> 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a little bit, hope people are still reading. Should be winding down just a bit and I thank you all for the support you have given this fic.

_The soldier has been her James now for almost two years, they have been allowed to be together and not on base now and it is still strange at times but Natasha cherishes it.  They are still weapons, still don’t get to decide their life or fate but they get a little more choice in how they spend it when they aren’t needed. They have carved out a little life for themselves and Natasha adores it but there is still worry sometimes that it can be taken away. The worry is present right now and she tries not to think about it too much as she sits in their current safe house alone, waiting for James to come back._

_It is one of their American safehouses and sometimes James is a little different when they are here. She doesn’t know for sure but she thinks he was American once, his words hold one of the accents that come from here and she thinks maybe he was having flickers of things from before this morning as he left to get supplies. That happens sometimes and it seems to happen a bit more when they are in the states and there is something about this time of  year that also makes him act a little different. It is summer, very early part of July, three day in and last year he acted strangely on the fourth. They had been in the states then as well and they had wandered some crowded  streets together, almost like he was looking for something or someone but he didn’t really know what, couldn’t tell her why he wanted to be in the city that day, why he wanted to be in that area of New York. He walked the streets comfortably enough, almost like he knew them though she wasn’t sure if he had been there much before. She didn’t really say anything about it, just walked along with him and kissed the slight frown off of his face when they got back to the safehouse and he hadn’t found what he was looking for. She wonders if he is looking for that same thing  now even though they are not near New York._

_There are footsteps now and Natasha feels relief that James is back. He is entering the little living room type area now and she gives him a smile as he approaches and sets down his bags.  She gets up and goes over to him, gives him a kiss and his arms wrap around her.  They are both still a bit greedy when it comes to touch on occasion,  take it whenever they can even now when they won’t be punished for it if it is found out about. They stand there, just holding each other for a few moments before Natasha pulls back just a little to ask a question._

_“Got everything we needed?”_

_He gives her a little nod and she  brushes another quick kiss against his lips._

_“Want me to help you put it away?”_

_Another quick little nod and another quick  kiss and then they start unloading the bags.  Most of it are things that she was expecting, food, a few medical supplies and there is also a small bag of lemon candies and she smiles as she puts it on the table, opens it and takes one out._

_“Thought you might like those, been a while since we had them.”_

_He says this and she picks up the bag again and offers him one and he takes it. James is the one who first gave her one of  these candies and she likes them a lot, they both do, and it is nice to have treats every once in a while. They go back to putting everything away and after a moment Natasha finds something that she wasn’t quite expecting._

_“Why did you get these?”_

_She asks as she pulls out the pad of drawing paper and a little pack of drawing pencils.  James stares at them for a moment before he takes them from her, sits them in one of their cupboards._

_“I don’t know, just seemed like something I should get before tomorrow, like something I’m supposed to get someone but I don’t know who. It doesn’t matter.”_

_James says this and Natasha just gives a nod, decides not to push for any more information about the drawing paper. It is a ghost of his past from before her and they are both pretty good about ignoring them now. She just gives him another kiss and decides not to worry about the paper or why James felt the need to get them._

“We can’t stay here, they know we came here, we gave them the coordinates. We will have to trade safehouses quickly over the next week or so.”

Natasha says this now as Clint pulls away from her after giving her a brief kiss. He is happy about their choice to run from Hydra, she can tell by how bright his eyes are right now and she is glad for it even if she is already thinking about how difficult this is all going to be.  Hydra will not just let them walk away,  they all know this, and they are going to have to prepare to fight, will have to figure out the right game plan and they don’t have much time to  make it.

“It is manageable. They may send strike after us, will have to be careful about them if we have an encounter.”

James says this, is in mission mode just a bit right now and that is good. Natasha just gives a nod to his words and starts to gather what they will need take from this room when Clint asks.

“Do you have triggers, like I do?”

There is just a little bit of hurt in those last words, just a reminder that they hurt him and though he is sticking with them, Clint is still aware of what they did to him. It was needed at the time or they thought it was but they are dealing with the fallout of it now. They can deal with the fallout cause he is still with them and Natasha knows that it won’t change now so she moves closer to him, wraps a hand around his arm.

“I used to, the red room had them in my head but they haven’t been used for years and I’m pretty sure that those who knew them are gone. James’s are a longer sequence, we should be able to stop them before they are all said.  They don’t know yours.”

She says this all now and James gives a nod.

“We had to give you one, Pierce insisted but it was something we kept to ourselves. You’re ours, not theirs and they were fine with it cause they thought we were chained to them. We won’t use it again.”

James says this now, has come up close to Clint as well, touches his shoulder for a moment now and Clint gives a little jerky nod.

“Alright, and we’ll figure out a way to break them when we can. Right now, we focus on getting out of here and gathering what we can to have an edge on them. We also need to get to Steve before they do.”

Clint says this and just a little bit of jealousy rises in Natasha at those words, just a little bit of worry. She is still not sure about Rogers, had decided not to do the mission against him because of how it would hurt her boys but she is still not happy that he has a piece of them, that both Clint and James care for him.  She keeps her worry hidden for now, doesn’t plan to lose her boys, and she will deal with what it means when they see him again, what effect his presence will have on them.

“We can plan out how to contact Rogers later, leaving here and covering our trail is goal one.”

She says this now, gets a nod from both of them and they go about doing what they need to do and soon they are heading out. Natasha just hopes that they have made the right call, that this won’t end up costing them each other.

<><><><><>   
It has been a couple of weeks since Steve found out Fury is still alive, a couple of weeks of trying to figure out who the leak in SHIELD is, a couple weeks of trying to find Bucky and Clint and there is nothing so far and Steve is a bit of a mess. The longer he goes with out answers, the more he worries that he won’t find them, and he needs to find them.  He can’t lose them, he refuses to lose them but he can’t seem to figure out how to find them and it is hard to sleep. His dreams are filled with losing them, with seeing Bucky fall again, Clint right beside him, and tonight was one of those nights and he sits in Sam’s  kitchen, doesn’t even try to sleep.  He is on his third cup of coffee when Sam comes in.

“If you drank a couple of pots again, you need to buy me more coffee. I’m running low and I want the nice stuff.”

Sam says this causally but there is still a hint of concern in his voice and Steve just takes another sip of his coffee before he speaks.

“Still on the first pot but I’ll still get you some coffee, some of the fancy stuff even. Least I can do since you have put up with me the last few weeks.”

Steve is really grateful Sam has been around during all of this, it helps to have someone around and Sam tries to prevent him from moping too much but it isn’t working out that well but Steve appreciates the effort of it.  Sam just sort of shrugs and gets his own cup of coffee  and sits down besides Steve.

“Hey, I won’t say no to free coffee but it hasn’t been too bad hanging out with you, definitely makes life interesting. We can go get some doughnuts in a bit if you want, get out of here for a while before we have to head in.”

Sam says this now and Steve gives a nod. They are supposed to check into the base today, something about wanting Sam to do training exercises and a possible mission for Steve and they talk about it as they get doughnuts and take them to the park near by, careful to keep voices low in case they are being watched. They think Sam’s place may be bugged now and they are careful with what they say there and they are careful here as well.

“I wonder why you’re being sent out now, they made it sound like we would both be on training duty for a long time, what do you think changed their mind?”

Sam asks now and Steve thinks about it for a moment.

“Not sure but there is something that just feels off about a lot of stuff still but our friends haven’t figured out what is going on yet so I can’t say no.”

Steve says this now, has been thinking about it since they found out about it yesterday. Something just doesn’t feel right but they still haven’t found the leak in SHIELD yet so they can’t draw too much attention to themselves so Steve is going to go on the mission with STRIKE. Sam just gives a little nod as he speaks.

“Understand, just watch out for yourself, ok?”

“Will do. We should probably head towards there.”

Steve says this, tries not to think  about everything that is going on, tries to ignore the feeling that something is going to happen soon. They finish up their doughnuts and head to the base and soon enough, Sam is going to one of the training areas while Steve finds himself sitting at a debriefing, listening to the mission details.  It seems pretty standard, going into a base and retrieving some data, but Steve still can’t help but feel like something is just a little off. Some of the strike team seems to be watching him closely and it could probably be just chalked up to them not being used to him yet but he isn’t sure. Rumlow seems pretty calm about everything and he talks with Steve as they get ready to leave, as they load up.

“Shouldn’t be too difficult, just need to get in and out, not even too long of a ride. You ready for this, Cap?”

He asks with a bit of a smile and Steve tries to match it even though he can’t quite shake the feeling that all of this is some sort of test or something.

“I suppose I have to be. You run a lot of these, don’t you?”

He asks and Rumlow tells him a bit about some of their other missions Strike has gone before as they start on their journey.  It doesn’t take too long, a few hours but  Steve still can’t quite shake the feeling of eyes on him the whole time, the feeling of nervous energy coming from the men around him.  He tries to be in mission mode now, but he keeps himself aware of the others as they unload, as Rumlow gives some orders.

"Cap and I will take the front, everyone else assume normal positions, we’ll tackle the north corridor first.  Alright, head out.“

They head into the base after that and they don’t really run into many guards, in fact the hallways are empty and that feeling of unease is increasing just a bit.  It comes to a head when they enter a room, not much in it but a chair with some sort of machine nearby and the strike team are shifting their positions a bit, postures tensing and almost in attack mode, and they are surrounding Steve.  He keeps his grip steady on his shield, doesn’t move yet, but he looks at Rumlow for a moment as he speaks.

“I have a feeling this mission is not what I was lead to believe it is. Or that you have a different mission than I do.”

Rumlow just looks at him, a bit of a shrug in his shoulders but hand still gripping his weapon and it is pointing at Steve now.

“This isn’t anything personal, Cap, just can’t have you interfering and we are out of communications with some of our assets. If it helps, you won’t remember any of this later. Call the techs, have them make their way here.”

Those last words are meant for Steve and he can hear someone get on one of their radios, trying to contact some one probably in the building and the others start to move and Steve does as well. Whatever is happening, he isn’t going down without a fight and he bashes who he can with his shield and can hear some of the shouts.

“We have to get him down before techs are here. Tase him if you have to, the setting should be high enough to stun him then we can get the sedatives in if needed.”

“Techs aren’t answering, sir, something might be wrong.”

“Focus on Rogers right now, techs later.”

All these things are heard but Steve is focusing on the fight right now. He is stronger and faster than them but he is also outnumbered and they know how to work with each other. There are indeed tasers out now and he is doing his best to dodge them, though he does get hit with one. It reminds him of the sting the widow gave him weeks ago and he tries not think about that right now, tries to focuses on moving away from them, getting out of the room. One of the needles does manage to stick into him, most  of it getting injected before  he can knock it away.  He can feel it working a bit, he feels a bit sluggish from that and the effect of the taser but he still has managed to get some of them down but something else happens now, a noise coming from the door and Steve sees an object fly past him, stick into the wall.

“Fuck, they’re here. “

Steve hears Rumlow mutter this under his breath, just a hint of panic in his eyes and Steve notices that it is an arrow in the wall, an arrow with a strange arrow head in it. It is one of Clint’s, Steve recognizes it and it takes it only a moment and then there is  a small explosion, enough of one to cause a bit of a distraction. Steve is having trouble standing now, eyes blurring but he can see others rush into the room now, sees the glint of metal, a flash of red hair.   They are here, all three of them, and Steve isn’t sure what is going on but he thinks maybe they might be on the same side as the strike team is taken down quickly and he finds himself crashing to the floor now.  He tries to keep his eyes open and he can see Clint now, sees him kneel down beside him, and he looks like he knows Steve now, doesn’t have that look of not knowing like he did last time Steve saw him and that fills him with a bit of relief.

“Hey, we’re going to get you out of here, explain some stuff soon. I missed you.”

Clint says this now, hand reaching out and touching Steve’s cheek and he wants to tell him that he missed him as well but he can’t quite make the words come out.  Darkness claims him now but Clint is here, Bucky is here, and Steve thinks things are going to be alright.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy.

There are bodies on the floor, some already dead but not all, not yet and Natasha recognizes quite a few of them, knows that her boys do too.  She has worked with these people before but she does not feel guilt for what she has done to them. They have decided to walk from Hydra and that means that it has to be burned down and that is what they have been doing for the last few weeks.  For right now, she looks over the bodies, watching for movement as Clint is looking over Rogers and James is tearing the chair apart.

The chair was built to last, to withstand damage, but that doesn’t matter right now. James tears it apart, using his metal arm to rip it apart, pulling pieces from it, crushes them.  He has done this once before, about a week ago, and he rips apart this one with the same rage that he did before.  The chairs can’t be allowed to still be around, it is too dangerous and they are going to track the ones they can down, destroy all of them.  She had seen the chair as a necessary evil once, when they were making their hawk theirs, thought it was needed, but the chairs can be used against them, will be used against them and she thinks about helping James with this one when a movement catches her eyes and she sees Rumlow stirring, moves towards him.

“You should stay down, keep your mouth shut.”

She says this as she moves closer to him, gives it as a warning and none of the others would get such a chance but Rumlow is slightly different. He was never quite what she would call kind to them but he also was one of the few who talked to them as if they were people and he gets a small bit of mercy for that, but only a small amount and it can be taken away just as it is given. He doesn’t take it, sits up and starts to speak, eyes dark and angry.

“Strastnoye zhelaniye….”It is the only word she lets him get out, can’t risk more being said and she throw her knife right at his throat and he doesn’t manage to  dodge it.  It goes right in and she is there to pull it out again, watches as he collapses against the floor once more, not dead yet but not able to trigger James now.  “They should have picked less words, would have saved them some trouble now.” James says this now as he keeps pulling apart the machine and Natasha just tucks her knife back into its spot on her belt while Clint looks up at them now.  “I think I’m ok with them having trouble. We need to get him out of here.” Clint says this and she knows that this was coming from the moment she saw that Rogers was here. There is no way that her boys are going to leave him here and she knows that they were wanting to reach out to him soon anyway so she just gives a nod and makes her way over to Clint as James finishes tearing the machine apart. Once that is done, he moves to them and picks up Rogers, holds him as tenderly as he would hold her or Clint and it makes something in Natasha ache just a bit but she pushes it down and leads the way out of the base.

<><><><><> 

_It is a beautiful day, the sun shining brightly, the wind blowing just enough so that it isn’t too hot, but Bucky finds himself going indoors, giving up the game for right now. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to play, it is just that Steve isn’t out here and Bucky wants to make sure he is ok, figures he is probably in bed right now. Steve ends up in bed a lot, his body just not letting him do things like the other kids can, and sometimes Bucky thinks that he would trade places with him sometimes if he could. He would take Steve’s aches and fevers away if it meant that Steve could have at least one day where he could run around like the other kids but such a thing can’t happen  so Bucky just makes his way into Steve’s home, will check on him since he can’t do much else._

_He walks quietly towards Steve’s bedroom now, knows the layout of this place just as well as he knows his own, and he opens the door gently, walks in to find Steve in the bed, pale and sweaty but awake and looking over at Bucky._

_“You weren’t outside. Sick again?”_

_He already knows the answer but asks anyway and Steve gives a jerky little nod, looks absolutely miserable.  He sets his mitt down and goes over to Steve, touches his forehead. It is warm and clammy and he asks another question now._

_“Have you ate?”_

_There is another shake of Steve’s head and Bucky lets out a little bit of a sigh that sounds a lot like one that would come from his mother or Steve’s but he can’t help it. Steve needs to eat so he just walks away right now, goes to the kitchen and makes a simple sandwich, grabs some water. Steve drinks the whole glass of water but pushes half his sandwich over to Bucky who eats it even if he thinks Steve may need it more but he knows how stubborn the other boy can be and half a sandwich is better than nothing. He takes the plate back, gets some more water, and he grabs a book, decides to stay. He settles down in the bed next to Steve who asks a simple question._

_“Aren’t you going back outside?”_

_Bucky just shakes his head now, doesn’t see any reason to go back outside. It is nice out but he has already been out in it today and Steve can’t so Bucky might as well stay here with him and so he gives Steve a reason for him to stay._

_“I haven’t read this one yet. After I finish it, I’ll go play.”_

_He actually read most of it a couple weeks ago but he can reread it and he would rather stay here with Steve any way. Steve settles against him, head on Bucky’s chest, and it is comfortable enough and after a while, Steve drifts off and Bucky just lays there reading till his own eyes get tired. The book gets discarded to the floor then, Bucky wraps an arm tighter around Steve , and he closes his eyes, lets himself rest next to Steve._

_Memories have come to James more over the last few weeks and he can remember watching Steve sleep now,  back when he was smaller and sick all the time. He can remember there being times when he worried that Steve wouldn’t wake, the fear sharp and painful, but Steve always woke and he will wake this time as well, he is sure of it. He just has to wait for it and he isn’t the only one waiting._

_“He’ll wake up soon,  they just got him with something strong. At least they didn’t get him to the chair. I wouldn’t want him to go through that. ”_

_Clint is sitting on the bed right next to Steve, watching him just like James is and James knows Clint is thinking about his own experiences with the chair right now.  It had hurt him, they knew it would hurt him, had felt the hurt from it before themselves and they still put him through it, thought it was needed.  They have talked about it and Clint knows that they didn’t think they had any choice, understands how broken they both are and they are trying to make up for it now but it is still hard on him sometimes. He speaks a promise now._

_“None of us will go through that again, we are going to make sure of it.”_

_“Is he included in us?”_

_Natasha asks from where she stands a little bit away, draws James’s attention towards her and she tilts her head to Steve on the bed. There is something in the way she stands right now, a tension in her that has been there since Clint picked up Steve and James isn’t quite sure how to ease it yet. Clint moves off the bed now, answers her question as he moves closer to her._

_“Maybe. He’s important to me, I want him with us, but only if it works for all of us. The three of us, we’re a package deal now, we’ll figure out where he fits. Right now, let’s go get some stuff from the kitchen.”_

_Clint says this, brushes a quick kiss against her cheek and she gives a little nod and they head out of the room, leaving James alone with Steve’s sleeping form. He just sits there, looks over Steve once more, looking for differences in the man laying before him and the one in his broken memories. He is different now, James is sure of it, not just different from the small Steve in his memories but also from the larger one as well but maybe that isn’t bad. He isn’t the Bucky that Steve remembers anymore either but there are still pieces of him there, more than James wanted to admit weeks ago. It is something he is going to have to figure out, if he can fit with Steve again, if Steve can fit with them, but for now, he just wants Steve to wake up.  A few minutes pass and he can hear the murmur of voices in the other room but then there is another noise, Steve shifting just a bit on his bed and now his eyes are opening. The sight of Steve’s eyes opening fills James with relief and he can’t help but smile for just a moment when Steve looks up at him like he can’t quite believe he is here. There is so much that they need to talk about but for now, James just move a little bit closer and speaks two little words._

_“Hey, Stevie.”_

<><><><><> 

_“I know why we brought him back, don’t know if things will be easy when he wakes up.”_

_Natasha says this as they enter the kitchen, keeps her voice low. She doesn’t have the connection with Steve that he and Bucky have with him, saw him as an enemy weeks ago, and he can tell she is just a bit tensed up about things. He is doing his best to ease it and Clint knows his words earlier helped and he brushes a kiss against her lips real quick right now._

_“You’re right, it won’t but we’ll figure it out.”_

_He says this, starts going to the cabinets to get some stuff out._

_“You’re sure of that, aren’t you? Sure that somehow the four of us are going to be able to talk this out? That it is going to be simple like that?”_

_The questions come from Natasha rapid fire and when Clint turns and looks at her she has a brow arched.  The truth is that he isn’t sure it is going to be so simple, that it is probably going to be a pain in the ass for all of them to figure this out but he has to believe that it is going to work out.  He just sort of shakes his head._

_“No, it won’t be simple but I do think things will work out somehow, have to think that. We are all here, broken but alive, and I think we are going to make it.”_

_He says it and means it and Natasha just stares at him for a moment before speaking again._

_“Rogers isn’t broken, not like us.”_

_There is a certainty in her words, a bit of truth. Steve isn’t broken in the same ways as they are, he wasn’t torn down and rebuilt like they were.  Clint remembers them saying that they felt they had to break him, to make him fit with them, and he gets it in a way, understands why they didn’t even if he thinks they didn’t have to but it can’t be changed now.  For now, he tells Natasha another truth, tries to get her understand some things._

_“He is broken, though, not like us but in a different way. Steve went through a war, gave up his life, and then woke up in a world different and alone. He’s lost in a lot of ways, understood that I was too.  He isn’t broken like us but he’s still broken.”_

_There is a moment of quiet, Natasha just processing his words for  a moment before she speaks, voice soft but clear._

_“Maybe he is lost, broken. He gave up his life to stop Hydra and we’re going to tell him it didn’t matter,  that they didn’t die. That might break him more. Do you think he can handle that?”_

_She asks, eyes staring straight into Clint’s one and he isn’t sure if the concern there is for Steve or for him but it is still good to see it there. He answers as truthfully as he can._

_“I do. I’ll help him if it breaks him too much, not giving him up, just like  I’m not giving you up. You’re stuck with me. “_

_He tells her this, moves closer to her and brushes a quick kiss against her forehead and it earns him a smile. They stand there for a moment of quiet and then they both hear soft voices coming from the bedroom._

_“Your captain is awake, we should grab the food  and head back.”_

_She says this now, gives him a light kiss against his lips and then moves away from him to the fridge that is there. They gather up a few thing and head to the door and Clint tries to push down the butterflies in his stomach at getting to see Steve and talk to him about everything that is going on. Steve is here, they are all somewhat safe for now, and that is  what matters._

<><><><><> 

Steve feels a bit groggy as he comes to, whatever he was injected with was strong and his mouth feels a little dry  and he isn’t quite sure where he is. He is on a bed, he can tell that much, has been moved from the base and as he opens his eyes, the first things he sees is Bucky looking at him.

_“Hey, Stevie.”_

Bucky says those words and Steve hasn’t been called that in years and the nickname fills him with relief.

“You remember?”

He asks, wants to believe that he is and Bucky looks at him for a moment before he answers, like he is trying to figure out the right answer.

“Some, not everything, not yet. I remember you used to be a lot smaller, got in trouble a lot, think you might still get into trouble a lot.”

There is a grin for a moment at those words, not quite the grin that Steve remember, but a grin none the less.

“You’re right, I still get into trouble but you guys pulled me out.”

Steve sits up now, reaches out and has to touch, has to reassure himself that Bucky is actually here. He goes to reach for Bucky’s right hand but Bucky shifts just slightly and Steve’s fingers brush against metal instead of flesh. It feels different than skin, not quite the right warmth and Steve can remember being hit with it, remembers how much strength is in it.  

“Can you feel that?”

He asks and Bucky gives a little nod.

“Yes, I can feel it, a little bit of heat and some of the pressure.”

He says it simply, like he is used to the question and there is so much Steve needs to know, wants to know.

“I saw you fall, couldn’t grab you. You lost it then, didn’t you? When you fell?”

As soon as the words come out of Steve’s mouth, he realizes how stupid of a question it is. When else would he have lost the arm? Bucky just gives another nod, speaks softly.

“A lot happened when I fell. That was a long time ago. I’m not who you remember anymore.”

There is such certainty in those words and Steve isn’t sure how to feel about them. He is sure that there is still some of his Bucky here, knows that there has to be, but he also has no idea just what was done to him, how much he has gone through. He needs to ask but the quiet feels too heavy right now and he asks another question instead.

“Where’s Clint?”

He asks now, knows that he has to be here.  Clint was at the base, told Steve it would be alright, and there is so much that Steve needs to ask about, questions he needs answered, but first he wants to see Clint.  Bucky tilts his head towards the door and Steve can hear footsteps now and after just a moment, Clint is here, in the doorway.  The widow is right behind him and Steve isn’t sure how to feel about her being here but Clint is here and gives Steve a soft smile as he comes fully into the room, as he sets down the plate he was carrying. Soon enough he is right beside Steve, settling down on the bed and Steve moves his hand away from Bucky’s arm now, can’t help but wrap arms around Clint who lets him.

“Glad to see you up. Sorry about shooting at you, wasn’t quite myself, long story.”

There is just a bit of guilt and worry in Clint’s voice and Steve just brushes a kiss against his cheek.

“You can tell me about it, I want to know what is going on.”

He says this, brushes another quick kiss against Clint’s cheek.

“I suggest we eat first, it isn’t the best story, Captain.”

It is the widow who says this, putting down her own plate now on the table that is there, sits down. Bucky gets up and goes to sit beside her, squeezes her shoulder gently as he sits down close to her. It is familiar gesture, one Steve can remember Bucky giving him before and it makes something ache to see it given to some one else so freely but he pushes it down for now.

“Alright, we’ll eat first.”

Steve says this now, gets another smile from Clint, and then they get up, head to the table. There are still so many questions but he’ll get his answers soon, right now he just sits down beside Clint and gets ready to share a meal and hopes he isn’t making a mistake by trusting right now.

<><><><><> 


End file.
